Conflicted Within and Without

Conflict between individuals usually has its roots within one or both persons. When someone is troubled by conflict, it’s usually because of being forced to choose between different courses of action. After high school, I had to choose between a course of action that would please my parents or bring peace within myself.

One side argued for college and another for military service, which put me in conflict with my parents. This inner struggle represented distinct parts of my personality, each vying to be heard with their equally important viewpoints. This inner conflict eased when I chose the military, but tensions increased between me and my parents. 

Whether conflict is internal or external, decisions are demanded. The conflict with my parents subsided when they chose to honor and trust my decision. God does manage to “work all things out for good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose.” It was during my time in the military that I came to realize God’s purpose for my life.  

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Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

~Proverbs 19:21 New International Version

I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking to me about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!

Isaiah 65:24 The Living Bible

Jesus answered, “You do not now understand what I am doing, but by-and-by you will learn.”

~John 13:7 Williams – New Testament in the Language of the People

Where's the Value in Conflict?

Conflict can be a nagging aggravation that doesn’t ever completely go away. Although there are brief interludes of peace and serenity, conflict visits everyone and every organization including marriage and family life. Parenting invites conflict because it requires setting boundaries that act as guidelines for acceptable behavior.

STOP GETTING THE WRONG THINGS DONE!

So is there value in conflict that emerges from establishing rules and boundaries? Although conflict can be destructive, it’s possible for positive good to come from this ordeal. Certain levels of maturity are required to secure positive benefits from conflict, but gaining those benefits is achievable by realizing that quarrels are indicative of disputes within oneself and then addressing them.



Underlying feelings of inferiority fail to build a bridge to trust and security and thus hamper successfully managing conflict. Conflict may be managed by understanding its source for potential positive good. "God is my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble, therefore I will not fear,” proclaims Psalm 146:1.  

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We may think we are doing the right thing, but the Lord always knows what is in our hearts.

~Proverbs 21:2 Contemporary English Version

It is the Lord who gives wisdom; from him come knowledge and understanding. He provides help and protection for those who are righteous and honest. He protects those who treat others fairly, and guards those who are devoted to him.

~Proverbs 2:6-8 Good News Bible

Relationships 101: Keep on Understanding and Accepting

What soothes a distressed heart and mind are calm, understanding words that communicate acceptance. Understanding and acceptance dismantle emotional distance generated by conflict. By understanding another person's behavior, it is possible to choose a better way of responding rather than to construct an emotional barrier to communications.  

Relationships tend to follow specific stages. The first is the honeymoon phase. Feelings of acceptance, love and closeness produce an atmosphere conducive for commitment that promises to last forever. The next phase defines periods of disappointment and struggle where a true picture emerges of relationship compatibility.

If there are understanding and acceptance of imperfections, then the third phase of accommodation takes place. The realization that imperfections exist but can be tolerated defines accommodation. Understanding is the key to conflict resolution, and it takes place in this phase. “Although it costs all you have, get understanding,” advises Proverbs 4:7. 

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Understanding your word brings light to the minds of ordinary people.

~Psalm 119:130 Contemporary English Version

Listen to what is wise and try to understand it. Yes, beg for knowledge, plead for insight. Look for it as hard as you would for silver or some hidden treasure.

~Proverbs 2:2-4 Good News Bible

Please Understand...

Understanding another person's needs and being committed to meeting those needs with love and care dismantle barriers that separate people. The more sophisticated a society becomes, the higher the demand for our needs to be satisfied. In less developed cultures, survival needs like food, clothing and shelter precede personal happiness.

 

Because our needs are more sophisticated, this then becomes the source for conflict. A significant problem in understanding the needs of another person is the lack of communication. Misunderstanding each other’s needs leads to conflict, which constructs a barrier to intimacy.

It's not easy to understand how to communicate your needs to an intimate other. It's appropriate to get help when conflict is suffocating your relationship. Christian counseling is designed to help individuals understand each other's needs and learn appropriate and acceptable ways to meet those needs. "Understanding is a fountain of life," contends Proverbs 16:22. It is the bridge to intimacy, peace  and happiness. 

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Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them.

~Proverbs 4:5 New International Version

I ask the Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, to give you His Spirit to make you wise and reveal the truth to you as you learn to know Him better and to enlighten the eyes of your minds so that you know the hope He called you to.

~Ephesians 1:17-18 Beck – New Testament in the Language of Today

Fight or Flight OR a Better Choice

Conflict demands a response, and the most common reaction is to fight. Another is to take flight and run away. Fighting is characterized by hot verbal exchanges, and in a marriage relationship to blame each other for every bad experience since taking the marriage vows. Whatever form fighting embraces, rarely does conflict reach resolution within these conditions.

Taking flight to manage conflict can be observed in several distinct forms. Literally running away to avoid angry confrontations is not uncommon for those who hate fighting. The shy, reserved personality type who feels unsafe and threatened by angry outbursts may immediately withdraw emotionally or physically to avoid conflict.

Perpetual conflict is an indicator of dysfunctional relationships and a sure endangerment to the stability of a marriage or friendship. The Lord Jesus Christ came into the world so we could live life to the fullest, and that doesn’t mean a life full of conflict, but rather one full of peace and contentment. It is absolutely possible to choose these feelings rather than conflict.  

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A thief does not come for any purpose but to steal and kill and destroy; I have come for people to have life and have it till it overflows.

~John 10:10 Williams – New Testament in the Language of the People

And God’s peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 4:7 Good News Bible

Bridge an Impasse with Communication

An impasse reflects a hopeless deadlock bound up in differences of opinion. Striving for control and power where self-esteem or feelings of self-worth appear in jeopardy is what creates an impasse. This does not mean that an issue is a life-or-death situation but that winning has become the issue.

Fran and Jesse have created a crisis of credit card debt. It takes all their extra funds just to pay the minimum on this debt. With absolutely no financial wiggle room, fighting over everything has become a daily occurrence. Jesse refuses to leave the job he loves for one with a higher-paying salary. Fran refuses to cut back on what she considers necessities.

Mistakes and bad judgments reflect immaturity, but where there’s a willingness to acknowledge mistakes and change behaviors, hope for a relationship can be secured. An impasse can be dislodged only as communication builds a bridge to insight and understanding. When God is given freedom to influence your heart and mind, he then will give you understanding and wisdom to do what is good and right. 

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Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do, and does not do it, to him it is sin.

~James 4:17 New American Standard Bible

So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you’ll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind. I know you’re already doing this, just keep on doing it.

~1 Thessalonians 5:11 The Message

Broken Hearts Need Healing

Conflict seldom volunteers to go away on its own. Denial of conflict’s existence might ease the anxiety it creates, but denial isn’t an effective tool for successfully managing it. Denial is a defense for those who refuse to seek a resolution. An impasse is a cautious peace capable of erupting at the slightest provocation.

Paul and Barnabas, God's most dedicated missionaries became so embroiled in conflict, they parted ways. They could no longer work together. John Mark, the subject of their conflict, had deserted them and returned to his home. When he wanted to come back, Paul argued with Barnabas about this being advisable.

Their argument became so intense that Paul decided to go on alone. This example epitomizes how conflict builds a bridge to alienation and separation. Resolutions become possible when there are admissions of being mistaken. Paul came to this conclusion and asked John Mark to reunite with his ministry. What does this say to you? 

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Only Luke is with me. Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is a good help to me in my work.

~2 Timothy 4:11 Beck – New Testament in the Language of Today

Make this your common practice: confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with.

~James 5:16 The Message

Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice. Become mature, be encouraged, be of the same mind, be at peace, and the God of love and peace will be with you.

~2 Corinthians 13:11 Holman Christian Standard Bible

Impasse Ahead – Let's Talk

Conflict has a way of producing stubbornness, or one could say that stubbornness is responsible for creating or perpetuating disagreements. Conflict is unavoidable and eventually will make its presence known where all relationships exist. Clashes of personalities may result in tension or produce an impasse where hoped-for solutions seem out of sight.

An impasse occurs when a disagreement creates a stalemate. Jerry and Kate could not agree on how to discipline their son. Jerry believed a spanking was in order for severe infringement of rules. Kate either gave their son “time out” or ignored the infringement. Consequently, their fights left their son feeling anxious and guilty for causing so much trouble.

When two people are so stubborn that they refuse to compromise, the relationship may falter or become stagnant. Maturity sees an issue from another's perspective and can choose to follow God’s plan which encourages, "Come now, let us reason together," says the Lord. Reasoning together builds a bridge to understanding and peace.  

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May God who gives patience, steadiness and encouragement help you to live in complete harmony with each other – each with the attitude of Christ toward the other.

~Romans 15:5 The Living Bible

When Stress Creates Distress

Most babies are born into homes where conflict is minimal. While no home is completely exempt from conflict, some people are better equipped to manage it successfully. Sheer determination to find resolutions helps some people gain valuable skills and strategies for resolving conflicts. Others, however, permit conflict to evolve into serious power struggles that separate them from each other.

Total and complete compatibility is rare even between those who are 100% committed to their relationship. But sometimes the slightest degree of incompatibility over finances, sex, parenting, religion, in-laws or friends can cause friction that provokes quarrels and distress. The abuse of drugs and alcohol is another source of conflict.

The danger of leaving conflict unattended may distress what is outwardly a peaceful relationship. Distress can cause major arguments and battles to evolve into a means for relieving tension. Facing the truth of conflict and exposing it to God’s light and guidance is healthy, for then there is hope for a resolution.  

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You’re a fountain of cascading light, and you open our eyes to light.

~Psalm 36:9 The Message

Now if you have known anything of Christ’s encouragement and of his reassuring love; if you have known something of the fellowship of his Spirit, and of compassion and deep sympathy, do make my joy complete – live together in harmony, live together in love, as though you had only one mind and one spirit between you.

~Philippians 2:1-2 Phillips – New Testament in Modern English

Face the Truth to Avoid a Crisis

Becoming saturated with conflict is a sad-but-true reality for many couples and families. In some cases, conflict isolates those involved from love and affection and will possibly generate emotional stagnation. When a relationship becomes stagnant from relentless striving, love and affection between the participants become stale and impure.

What’s difficult to accept is that conflict doesn't necessarily have to be bad. While most people dislike conflict, it can provide the pathway for discovering the truth about others and oneself. Unhealthy conflict refuses to face personal and relationship problems. It seems easier to let stagnation dominate than to face changes or an uncertain future.

When relationships become frozen in conflict, a potential crisis may shatter the lives of all involved. However, God desires for you to face the truth even when a resolution seems beyond achieving. Facing the truth is anxiety producing, but with God nothing is impossible because he cares more for you than you could ever imagine.  

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My child, don’t turn away or become bitter when the Lord corrects you. The Lord corrects everyone he loves, just as parents correct their favorite child.

~Proverbs 3:11-12 Contemporary English Version

Better to correct someone openly than to let him think you don’t care for him at all. Friends mean well, even when they hurt you. 

~Proverbs 27:5-6 Good News Bible

Giving an honest answer is a sign of true friendship.

~Proverbs 24:26 Contemporary English Version

And I pray that Christ will make his home in your hearts through faith. I pray that you may have your roots and foundation in love.
~Ephesians 3:17 Good News Bible

To Manage Conflict, Communicate Kindness

Joseph, the favorite son of Jacob, was not protected from the conflict he had to endure with his older brothers. This conflict was just a sample of what he would face as a young man far away from home in Egypt. Conflict invades everyone's life, so it’s not a matter of choosing whether conflict will be experienced, but how it will be managed.

By the end of adolescence most people have developed a system for coping with conflict regardless of how healthy each person may be. This does not imply that change and growth are out of the question. Personality type and temperament along with parental role models influence how conflict will be managed and consequently its success or failure.

Through respectful communication and compassionate understanding, conflict can bring people closer together. Genesis 13 illustrates how Abraham successfully negotiated an end to conflict with his nephew Lot by giving Lot two positive alternatives. God gives wisdom for resolving conflicts to those who earnestly seek it. 

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Then Abram said to Lot, “We are relatives, and your men and my men shouldn’t be quarreling. So let’s separate. You go one way, and I’ll go the other.”

~Genesis 13:8-9 Good News Bible

My dear friends, you should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry. If you are angry, you cannot do any of the good things that God wants done.

~James 1:19-20 Contemporary English Version

An Amazing Expression of Love: Forgiveness

Joseph forgave his brothers for the suffering he endured because he chose to be free of anger and resentment. Joseph could have punished them severely but instead chose to give them freedom by forgiving them. In doing so, he gave himself the gift of happiness as well as the gift of freedom from anger and bitterness. 

Forgiveness is an expression of love that puts another person's feelings, needs and happiness on par with oneself. The objective is an enhanced quality of life that forgiveness brings to oneself and others. Love may be the most important component of forgiveness because it requires a demonstration of mercy and compassion.

To accomplish this task, remember: forgiveness is never given nor received without sacrificing something of yourself. The Lord God paid a profound price to forgive and cleanse us from sin by sending Jesus to die on the cross for our redemption. As we have received God’s forgiveness, let us freely extend forgiveness to others.  

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Joseph replied, “Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. No, don’t be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children.” So he reassured them by speaking kindly to them.

~Genesis 50:19-21 New Living Translation

Yet the proof of God’s amazing love is this: it was while we were sinners that Christ died for us.

~Romans 5:8 Phillips – The New Testament in Modern English

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

~Luke 23:34 New International Version