What Makes an Apology Sincere?

  An apology is an overt act of expressing regret and sorrow for a behavior that resulted in pain and suffering for another person. An apology must display remorse and repentance. Listen to Philippians 2:3: “Don’t be selfish, but rather be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself.”

Selfish ambition blocks an apology from reaching a positive outcome because the best interest of the offended person is missing. For instance if an apology is just to stave off guilt, then restoration will be incomplete. If a victim views an apology as insincere, then hope for a relationship to be restored is lost.

A sincere apology is offered for the good of the offended person. Most people are humble enough to respond graciously when an apology is offered, for it takes humility for an offense to be forgiven. If you are reluctant to be humble, remember Jesus humbled himself and died on the cross just for you.  

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“God opposes everyone who is proud, but he is kind to everyone who is humble.” 

~James 4: 6 Contemporary English Version    

 Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.  

~Ephesians 4:2 The Living Bible

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Why Should You Apologize?

What defines an apology and what purpose does it serve in relationships? Even without a definition, everyone knows what’s involved in apologizing. However, what you do and how you feel may be at odds with each other, as when a child is forced to apologize for unacceptable behavior and feels little regret or remorse.

A sincere apology should relieve the pain and suffering of the offended person so healing can begin. A second purpose for an apology is to restore fellowship and peace to a relationship that has been fractured. Reconciliation in most cases will not succeed without a sincere apology.

Another reason for apologizing is to experience forgiveness so guilt and shame can be cleansed from one’s conscience. Then it’s important to ask, “Will you forgive me?” This is basic to humbling yourself, for without humility you stand apart from the offended. God, Christ Jesus, and the Holy Spirit will help you do this.  

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[Jesus said,] “Wear my yoke – for it fits perfectly – and let me teach you; for I am gentle and humble, and you shall find rest for your souls; for I give you only light burdens.”

~Matthew 11: 29-30 The Living Bible

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What Should Motivate an Apology?

Anger is most often expressed for the purpose of hurting someone who has become a threat, either physically or emotionally. Anger can be an instantaneous reaction or it can evolve over a period of time, but when it’s expressed either aggressively or passively, the purpose is to set in motion some level of revenge.

Anger’s purpose is to punish the perpetrator for causing hurt and suffering. Anger can be destructive when it is used as a tool to dominate and control. There are, however, ways to reduce the destructive impact of this emotion. One is to take ownership of past behaviors that have offended and hurt another person.

Appropriate guilt and remorse can be the motivation for apologizing  and seeking reconciliation. An apology opens the door to forgiveness and reclaiming self-respect. It’s necessary to apologize to God and to those whom you’ve offended for being self-centered. This will make things right with others and God.  

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Stop your anger! Turn off your wrath. Do not fret or worry—it only leads to harm. For the wicked shall be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord shall be given every blessing.

~Psalm 37:8-9 The Living Bible

 

[Jesus said,] “But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive you your sins, too.”

~Mark 11:25 The Living Bible

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Can Strength of Character Save You from Retaliation?

One of life’s most demanding tasks is admitting to and apologizing for wrong and hurtful behavior. What makes it difficult is being perceived as weak and vulnerable. When a transgression has been committed against you, it takes strength of character and maturity not to retaliate.

Loose talk which portrays someone negatively elicits anger, either directly or indirectly. Loose talk is dangerous for those who have hope for a lasting, committed relationship. Listen to Proverbs 15:14: “A wise person is hungry for the truth, while a mocker feeds on trash.”

If you’ve committed a transgression against someone, take the initiative and make amends even if that person’s hurt has turned to anger and hate. Making things right is what Jesus asked you to do. Be of good courage, for the Holy Spirit will enable you to overcome the humiliation you will face. The gifts of yourself and your offerings that you now bring to God will be received and blessed.         

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[Jesus said,] “This is how I want you to conduct yourselves in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.”

~Matthew 5:23-24 The Message

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Is It Possible to Overcome Betrayal?

A transgression occurs when a code of conduct has been violated or dishonored. A typical response is disbelief, especially in a close, trusting relationship such as a marriage or friendship. Anger in most instances follows disbelief when a transgression is intended to hurt and do damage.

Middle schoolers are notorious for instantly changing friendships and portraying a previous friend in the worst way. An offense that activates revenge doesn’t always include physical violence but can include words loaded with pain that can endure for a lifetime.

Vengeful behavior is common in divorce proceedings or in situations where betrayal made divorce imminent. The most difficult response to follow is Proverbs 19:11: “A wise person refrains from anger and overlooks insults.” If you’re guilty of betrayal, do what is right and thoroughly confess, which demonstrates humility. Then sincerely apologize.  

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Oh, come back to God. Live by the principles of love and justice, and always be expecting much from him, your God.

~Hosea 12:6 The Living Bible 

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How Can You Manage Out-of-Bounds Anger?

How should you respond to someone who is determined to get revenge for pain and suffering caused by another person’s deliberate acts of aggression? Have you found it next to impossible to communicate with a person who is determined to get revenge?

I read about a soldier who was wounded by a sniper. He became so angry, he impulsively stood up and began shooting erratically to get revenge. He was then killed by the sniper. Although this is an unusual situation, out-of-control anger creates vulnerabilities that often prove to be regrettable.

If you’re the recipient of someone’s anger, if possible go and make amends to that person. Making amends includes correcting inappropriate behavior and apologizing. Micah 6:8 points out what is required in making things right. “Be fair, just, and merciful, and walk humbly with God.” While this is difficult, the Lord God will give you courage and strength to do it. 

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But you, Lord our God, are compassionate and forgiving, although we have rebelled against you.

~Daniel 9:9 God’s Word Translation

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Why Is Anger Turned Inward So Unhealthy?

When asked how she expressed her anger, an elderly woman replied, “I always keep it to myself so no one is hurt.” She had made an appointment with her physician to determine the cause of persistent abdominal pain. Tests revealed she suffered from a severe ulcer in the lining of her stomach.

She told her doctor she had felt neglected by her grown children since the death of her husband. She felt abandoned and alone but was compelled to keep her anger and hurt feelings to herself. However, anger turned inward can be, and was in this case, the cause of physical and emotional suffering.

There is a better way and that is to communicate to significant others what initially hurt your feelings, that has now transformed into anger. “In your anger do not sin.” So when you are on your bed at night, search your heart for courage to be honest. Ask God for opportunities to be honest about your hurt feelings and anger. He will answer your prayer.         

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You can be sure of this: The Lord set apart the godly for himself. The Lord will answer when I call to him. Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think [and meditate] about it overnight and remain silent.  

~Psalm 4:3-4 New Living Translation

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How Is Being Slow to Anger Helpful?

 So much pain and suffering is caused by anger that’s expressed in words or physical violence. Anger can be as addictive as narcotics, and that addiction is difficult to break, especially when it is used as a weapon. Revenge-seeking is given its presence and power when driven by anger. 

Words spoken in anger can shred a person’s self-esteem and create pain that lasts a lifetime. Silence encased in anger portrays a cold, distant attitude that serves as payback for past physical or verbal abuse. Feeling threatened emotionally or physically always accompanies anger at varying levels.

Whatever causes anger, never permit it to become the instrument for getting revenge. We can follow God’s pattern of being slow to anger, abounding in love, as Exodus 34:6 explains. Being slow to anger prevents overreacting by giving you the chance to see situations from God’s point of view.   

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But you, the Lord God, are kind and merciful. You don’t easily get angry, and your love can always be trusted.

~Psalm 86:15 Contemporary English Version

 

Let Christ’s peace control you. God has called you into this peace by bringing you into one body. And be thankful.

~Colossians 3:15 God’s Word Translation

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What Can Calm the Hook and Snare of Anger?

Anger is a snare that has the potential for wrecking the strongest commitment to remain calm and in control. Permitting anger to control a situation is what most people want to avoid. As a mother was checking out at the grocery store, her toddler grabbed a bar of candy and refused to put it back on the shelf.

The mother responded with a practical reason for denying him the candy. He promptly turned red in the face, began screaming, and intensified his grip on the candy bar. As others looked on, the mother’s face also turned red with embarrassment, which was a prelude to her anger.

A temper tantrum is common in childhood, but the adult’s temptation to give in and placate it must be avoided. Anger is not a bad emotion, but it can be disturbing to be hooked by your anger. Psalm 30:5 describes God’s anger as lasting only a moment, yet his kindness lasts a lifetime. You can control your anger by refusing to use it as a weapon or tool for managing difficult situations.      

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Slowness to anger makes for deep understanding; a quick-tempered person stockpiles stupidity. A sound mind makes for a robust body, but runaway emotions corrode the bones.

~Proverbs 14:29-30 The Message

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Why Is Accepting Criticism a Necessity?

What classifies a statement as an attack on your character and self-esteem? Criticism and insults tend to diminish a person’s character and self-worth, but is there value in constructive criticism? Corrective criticism never attacks a person’s character or integrity but focuses on behavior and beneficial instructions for growth and change.

There are times when behaviors and attitudes require correction, but you must be in a position to accept and apply the truth of criticism so corrective change can take place. Adults and children may need a growth plan and a timeframe to make acceptable changes.

How well you comply with any corrections speaks to your level of spiritual and emotional maturity, including your willingness to trust what others perceive as having value. Begin by asking the criticizing person to tell you what else is offensive about your character or behavior. This takes courage and strength of character, but God will empower you to do so. 

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If you profit from constructive criticism, you will be elected to the wise [person’s] hall of fame. But to reject criticism is to harm yourself and your own best interests.

~Proverbs 15:31-32 The Living Bible

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What Benefit Is There in Practicing What Is Difficult?

One of the most difficult verses in the Bible to submit to is what Jesus instructs in Matthew 5:39: “Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other cheek as well.” Receiving a slap in the face is extremely rare, so what is the broader application Jesus is trying to convey?

How should you respond to Jesus’ instructions?  First, suppress the urge to viciously retaliate. Refuse to be forced into silence by shame. Be willing to accept the truth of the criticism or insult. By owning the truth and accepting the criticism, you have, in effect, “turned the other cheek”.

What Jesus instructs in Luke 6:27 is also difficult: “Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who mistreat you.” The value of behaving as Jesus instructs is that you grow in maturity by practicing maturity, just as you grow spiritually by putting into action your faith in Jesus Christ.  

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Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t snap back at those who say unkind things about you. Instead, pray for God’s help for them, for we are to be kind to others, and God will bless us for it.

~1 Peter 3:9 The Living Bible

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Can You Refrain from Attacking Self-esteem and Character?

It would be unusual to go through life and never experience criticism or be insulted. Getting into fights, either physically or verbally, is almost impossible to avoid, especially during childhood. The most natural response is to strike back because criticism and insults attack some aspect of a person's character and self-esteem.

Criticism rarely produces positive results. Children growing up under these conditions seldom respect the parent and may become vengeful, angry adults. Correcting behavior in children through teaching acceptable boundaries has positive results, however, because it doesn’t attack their self-esteem or character.

How can you turn the other cheek when experiencing criticism? One way to deal with disapproval or rejection is to look for the truth in the criticism. When you accept the truth, then you are emotionally and spiritually turning the other cheek. Jesus tells you to do what is unnatural and difficult because that’s what he did for you.           

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Jesus said, "To you who are ready for the truth, I say this: Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person. If someone slaps you in the face, stand there and take it. If someone grabs your shirt, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff."  

~Luke 6:27-30 The Message

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What Does It Mean to Turn the Other Cheek?

Any act of vengeance is evil, regardless of the justifications used for seeking it. If you suffered wounds from another person’s aggression or betrayal, it might be impossible to agree that seeking revenge is evil. The biblical admonition to "turn the other cheek" is in opposition to retaliation.

Turning the other cheek is an unnatural response. The natural reaction is to defend oneself or strike back. In truth, we would like to inflict more pain than was received, and it’s at this juncture where evil makes its appearance. When revenge becomes an all-consuming drive, nothing else matters.

What did Jesus mean in Matthew 5:39 when he taught that if someone hurts you or sins against you, try first to understand the situation? What motivated this person’s anger? Did you by your own actions or attitude invite this criticism? Turning the other cheek includes responding with kindness and mercy and forgiveness as God has forgiven you. 

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Let there be no more bitter resentment or anger, no more shouting or slander, and let there be no bad feeling of any kind among you. Be kind to each other, be compassionate. Be as ready to forgive others as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.

~Ephesians 4:31-32 Phillips – The New Testament in Modern English 

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How Can You Relinquish the Desire for Revenge?

Is revenge-seeking detrimental to your health and well-being? Think about this: Being possessed with revenge, a person has to be obsessed with anger, resentment, and hatred. Clutching desperately to these emotions, it’s impossible to love God while desiring to harm or destroy another person.

Hatred and vengeance produce separation and alienation from God and others. Think of attending worship service or Bible study absorbed with thoughts of revenge. It’s impossible to focus on what you’re hearing in ways that draw you closer to the heart of God. Hatred and revenge are like rust or acid that eats away at whatever it touches.

2 Peter 2:13 teaches that those who harm others will be the recipient of harm, including God’s judgment. There is a better way, and that is to turn over the need for revenge to God who is able to redeem that person. God’s desire is to redeem rather than punish. That’s what he will do for you.

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For you, O Lord, are good, and ready to forgive [our sins, sending them away, completely letting them go forever and ever], and abundant in lovingkindness and overflowing in mercy to all those who call upon you.

~Psalm 86:5 Amplified Bible 

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