To Avoid Heated Conflict, Keep Words Cool

Even in the closest relationships, disagreements are impossible to avoid – and even when people are of similar temperament and personality. Some individuals keep their opinions to themselves to avoid conflict and keep peace. Yet most people feel compelled to refute what they do not agree with by arguing or by presenting evidence to the contrary.

Because disagreements are normal, healthy families and couples usually agree upon some basic rules for communicating under difficult conditions. One helpful rule is to maintain personal integrity by refusing to digress into inappropriate language and shouting matches.

Patience is a fruit of the Spirit and necessary for preserving personal integrity in the search for solutions to conflicts. Defending integrity is vital to effective communication. Listen to Proverbs 11:3: “The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” Permit the presence of the Lord God to be your guide.  

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Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.

~Proverbs 17:27 English Standard Version

 

It’s a mark of good character to avoid quarrels; but fools love to pick fights.

~Proverbs 20:3 The Message

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Communication Gatekeeper: Protector of Relationships

It’s impossible to agree with everything we hear due to personality differences, our religious and political views, and our perception of the world. In our closest relationships, disagreements are expected, but whether they evolve into conflict depends on the effectiveness of the gatekeeper’s influence and power over our emotions.

The gatekeeper, identified as the voice of conscience enhanced by the Holy Spirit, should provide alternatives to negative communications that could cause a relationship breakup. The purpose of the gatekeeper is to determine what is acceptable for healthy communications and the overall good of a relationship.

Proverbs 18:1 offers this reminder: "People who do not get along with others are interested only in themselves; they will disagree with what everyone else knows is right." A principle for effective communications is to make sure the highest level of integrity is maintained in language and motives. This pleases the Lord God. 

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Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.

~Proverbs 21:23 English Standard Version

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Pay Attention to Your Gatekeeper

The idea of a gatekeeper as a basis for effective communication makes sense. The gatekeeper serves as overseer of what is about to be said to determine its appropriateness, including the tone of voice accompanying the spoken word. The voice of conscience enhanced by the Holy Spirit becomes the gatekeeper for communications and behavior.

The gatekeepers' assessment may be overridden when words are upsetting and threatening. If frustration and anger become unmanageable, then the words that are spoken may result in regrettable consequences. The gatekeeper’s attempts to clean up the hurt and wounded pride may be met with strong resistance.

The Holy Spirit aids the gatekeeper as teacher, counselor, and comforter. Your mission is to be attentive to what is communicated following an overreaction. It takes courage to seek reconciliation, but for those willing to reach out, the appropriate words will find their way to your voice. Pray for guidance and wait for the Holy Spirit to provide it. 

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I’ll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands.

~Ezekiel 36:27 The Message

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Our Internal Gatekeeper

In professional communication systems, a gatekeeper is a person who receives messages and then passes them on to others or may prevent messages from reaching their destination. A gatekeeper can change a message to make it acceptable and compatible with other forms of communications.

The gatekeeper is responsible for interpreting incoming and outgoing messages to determine if they are acceptable. Everyone has been accused of not listening or just hearing parts of a message. When conflicts arise, some folks will say anything to win regardless of the harm it causes to their relationships.

In every possible circumstance God provides us with two special helps for utilizing our internal gatekeeper. One is the voice of conscience and the other is the work of the Holy Spirit. Each makes us aware of what is acceptable and what should be rejected. As we comply with these promptings, we are blessed and affirmed by the Lord Jesus Christ, who gives us confidence in our gatekeeper.  

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A [person’s] conscience is the Lord’s searchlight exposing his hidden motives.  

~Proverbs 20:27 The Living Bible

 

If we follow our desires, we cannot please God. You are no longer ruled by your desires, but by God’s Spirit, who lives in you.

~Romans 8:8-9 Contemporary English Version

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A Gatekeeper of Words

Understanding when to speak and how to phrase what needs to be said is crucial to effective communication. Everyone has experienced trying to communicate and not being receptive to a listener. Essential to effective communications is realizing the choice of words and  tone of voice either attract others or turn them away.

What comes to mind when you hear the word gatekeeper? You might think of someone who has authority to permit entrance into an establishment. Each person is in effect a gatekeeper for all the words stored up in their vocabulary, one which has power to unleash a flood of words intended for good or evil. 

Think of yourself as the gatekeeper for your words that produce peace or dissention, good or evil. God’s word directs us to guard our hearts by being a responsible gatekeeper for what we say as well as what we allow ourselves to hear. Ask Christ Jesus to create in you a clean heart and a right spirit. He will do it. 

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Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!

~Psalm 141:3 English Standard Version

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Truth Brings Forth Trust

One of the most important features of effective communication is our trust in the integrity and honesty of the speaker. That person must be trustworthy because when trust is absent, communication becomes unreliable. An essential principle for effective communication is that our words must represent the highest human values.

An adolescent confided that the most important objective of her life was regaining her mother's trust. A year earlier she had become deceptive in her behaviors and communications. In order to regain her mother’s trust she willingly complied within the boundaries that were compatible with truth and honesty.

Effective communication reflects sound values and virtues. These virtues serve as a guide in times of strife or peace. God's word reminds us to speak the truth in every situation. Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life." By keeping our trust and faith in Christ Jesus active, we will be able to live with others in that truth.  

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[Jesus prayed,] Your word is the truth. So let this truth make [my followers] completely yours…I have given myself completely for their sake, so that they may belong completely to the truth.

~John 17:17,19 Contemporary English Version

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Want to Communicate? Then Communicate

During the initial days of a relationship, each person tries to present an acceptable image of themselves. How we communicate determines whether a relationship ends or goes forward. Each encounter is an interview which conveys truth and honesty – or disinformation and fiction.

It's not unusual for an individual to refuse to communicate except when necessary, and then only on a superficial level. Unresolved conflict is a primary reason for diminished communications. Becoming detached or distant in one's relationships reflects an unwillingness to live by the virtues that give life its richest meaning and purpose.

Unhappiness can result in a decision to live in emotional exile. However, effective communication therapy helps individuals become responsive and open enough to restore meaning and purpose to their relationships. Hiding from the truth is contrary to God's plan. God promises the truth will set you free, and you can trust God's word to be true. 

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Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

~Proverbs 18:21 English Standard Version

I will give you a new heart – I will give you new and right desires – and put a new spirit within you. I will take out your stony hearts of sin and give you new hearts of love.

~Ezekiel 36:26 The Living Bible

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