Christ, Our Renewer and Transformer

Relationships suffer great sorrow when conflict is handled poorly. Bobby grew up in a family riddled by conflict not only between his parents, but also between the parents and their children. Although the family stayed intact throughout the years, it produced children who grew into adulthood unable to establish stable marriages.

What Bobby experienced growing up was a toxic response to conflict in which family members intentionally and aggressively inflicted suffering and pain on each other. However when problems of living are managed in a healthy, godly way, the joy that should be produced by a relationship can be realized. Eventually, Bobby learned he could avoid becoming defensive and reactive by accepting the fact that some conflict is unavoidable.

By re-framing issues like anger and frustration, you can create a nontoxic response to troubles. The Holy Spirit will give you godly insight regarding troubles you have to face. His word instructs you to be transformed by renewing your mind so you can know God’s will and purpose. 

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Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God – what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect.

~Romans 12:2 Good News Bible

Reset Priorities to Create Harmony and Acceptance

Competition exists in most loving relationships. Sibling rivalry is commonplace even though it fosters conflict. Marriage partners may compete for recognition, which can create discord within the marriage. Eddie and Joanne are high-achieving professionals driven to be successful. When they arrive home each evening, they continue working on projects, giving minimal time to their young daughters and each other.

Behavioral problems and dismal academic grades have forced Joanne and Eddie to seek counseling for their daughters. The two girls compete with each other for negative attention, which they consider better than being totally ignored and neglected. These sisters have everything materially. What is non-existent in their lives are expressions of love and affection and special time spent with their parents.

Remember, a husband or wife as well as children are special gifts from God to be cherished and loved rather than neglected. Realigning priorities is not only a possibility but a necessity, especially in a rushed and conflicted world. Ask God to help you be committed to this task.  

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Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift?

~Psalm 127:3 The Message

And now a word to you parents: Don’t keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves.

~Ephesians 6:4 The Living Bible

You must be very careful not to forget the things you have seen God do for you. Keep reminding yourselves and tell your children and grandchildren as well.

~Deuteronomy 4:9 Contemporary English Version

Breaking Down Walls of Confinement

A false sense of self-confidence builds a bridge to conflict when it includes an assumption that those with whom we share a relationship need to be dominated and controlled. Scare tactics and fear are the usual means for obtaining dominance and control. This form of leadership does not elicit trust and faith.

While every family needs boundaries as instituted by God’s word, special consideration must be given to individual differences as well as freedom of choice when appropriate. Creating dependency through an inordinate need to dominate will ultimately bring about the need to escape what is defined as emotional captivity.

Too much rigidity builds walls of confinement which stifle love and appreciation that should be freely expressed in a family. The Apostle Paul assures us that Jesus Christ, who is our peace, can break down dividing walls of hostility when we surrender to his plan and purpose for us. Jesus said, “Come to me you who are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest.”  

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May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

~ Romans 15:13 New International Version

Dividing the Power = Multiplying Harmony

Can positive benefits derive from conflict? Yes, if it brings about positive, healthy change that is acceptable to each person. There is little value in conflict designed to exert control over others, either directly or indirectly. Fear of appearing weak and ineffective is a major motivation for creating conflict.

A controller can be aggressive or hostile to those they purportedly care for and love. These behaviors ultimately instill disrespect, contempt and rebellion. The controller may switch to seeking pity or imposing guilt to get compliance, which may initially be effective but will fail to bring about lasting positive results.

Each person needs a healthy sense of power and control. In healthy relationships power and control are equally allocated. Husbands and wives are equally submissive to each other by choice, not by coercion. Divisions of power flow from mutual trust of each person's skills and talents. Love and respect give rise to harmony, peace and security.

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It is also true that we must love God with all our heart, mind and strength, and that we must love others as much as we love ourselves. These commandments are more important than all the sacrifices and offerings that we could possibly make.

~Mark 12:33 Contemporary English Version

Need to Control? Trust God

Individuals who are possessed with an inordinate need to control others do so from a position of weakness and fear. Soon after Bill and Kelly were married, choosing the church they would attend evolved into a major power struggle. Attempting to put the issue to rest, Bill told Kelly if she refused to attend his church, divorce would be her choice.

What Bill failed to understand is that submission can be given only where there is freedom to choose. Each time he imposed an ultimatum on Kelly, it left him feeling insecure and without peace. Defiance and sadness highlighted Kelly’s refusal to yield to Bill’s demands.

Both men and women may possess this need for dominance, but controlling others tends to alienate rather than create trust. Forced submission means imprisonment. An inordinate need to control is also a form of enslavement. Isaiah informs us that the Messiah would come to proclaim freedom for the captives. Jesus came to free you from the bondage of sin. 

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The book of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him [Jesus], and he opened it to the place where it says:

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me; he has appointed me to preach Good News to the poor; he has sent me to heal the brokenhearted and to announce that captives shall be released and the blind shall see, that the downtrodden shall be freed from their oppressors, and that God is ready to give blessings to all who come to him.”

~Luke 4:17-19 The Living Bible

Trust: a Bridge from Conflict to Freedom

Unresolved conflict builds a bridge to emotional distance that separates those who love and cherish each other. Conflict most often centers on the issue of control. In some marriages the battle for control begins immediately, not necessarily an aggressive striving for control but perhaps a subtle, indirect effort to demonstrate power.

The attempt to gain power may remain activated indefinitely. This is especially true where a healthy balance of power remains unnegotiated. Freedom of choice is a God-given privilege, but conflict attempts to negate the right to choose. Even God gives each person the right to choose or reject his grace and mercy.

Conflict driven by greed, fear or insecurity strives to extinguish the right to choose. According to Proverbs 29:25, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." Establishing trust in God and others diminishes fear. Trust builds a bridge to freedom from the bondage of conflict.  

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Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.

Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!

~Proverbs 3:5-7 The Message

Own Your Own Problems

Marital conflicts may initially appear to be the most difficult kinds of conflict to resolve. Quarrels over sex, finances, extended family issues and lack of time for children emerge as major causes of dissatisfaction within the marital relationship. When communication fails to achieve positive results, about forty percent of married couples opt for divorce.

Much to the dismay of those in second marriages, similar conflicts begin to sabotage the new relationship. Searching for solutions within each person rather than the relationship may be the best option. Taking ownership of one’s own problems and seeking outside help rather than blaming others may save the marriage.

Personal counseling requires patience and an attitude determined to correct what is discovered. Realize it takes time to heal from wounds created in past relationships. Jesus encourages all who are weary to come to him for guidance and healing. He invites you to take up his yoke and learn from him how to find rest for your soul.  

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But what about the feuds and struggles that exist among you – where do you suppose they come from? Can’t you see that they arise from conflicting desires for pleasure within yourselves?

You crave for something and don’t get it; you are murderously jealous of what you can’t possess yourselves; you struggle and fight with one another.

You don’t get what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And when you do ask, he doesn’t give it to you, for you ask in quite the wrong spirit – you only want to satisfy your own desires.

~James 4:1-3 Phillips – New Testament in Modern English

Take my yoke on you and learn from Me

 – I am gentle and humble-minded –

Then you will find your rest.

~Matthew 11:29 Beck – New Testament in the Language of Today

External Help for Internal Conflict

Internal conflicts require acceptable solutions which may not be forthcoming from within oneself. In complex struggles between individuals, it's difficult to arrive at compatible remedies that meet each person’s needs. Mediators, attorneys and counselors are sought out to help each party agree on a compromise.

On the surface, outer circumstances may seem unchanged, but progress takes place when each person desires to end the chaos. A judge may order couples who want a divorce to get counseling to resolve child custody and finances. Marriage counseling can help couples work out conflicts before a divorce court becomes a necessity.

While conflict is unavoidable, it need not cause the relationship to fail. When there’s conflict, do your best to listen to all the other person has to say. Make an all-out effort to consider feelings from his or her point of view. Jesus in Matthew 5:25 encourages those in conflict to settle issues quickly while there is opportunity to do so. 

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The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of compassion and good deeds, free from doubts and insincerity. The harvest of uprightness is grown from the seed of peace by those who are peacemakers.

~James 3:17-18 Williams – New Testament in the Language of the People

If someone brings a lawsuit against you and takes you to court, settle the dispute while there is time, before you get to court.

~Matthew 5:25a Good News Bible

Face Inner Struggles with Confidence

It's apparent that we bring to relationships values and habits acquired throughout our past. What come with us are inner strivings and conflicts that define us as unique human beings. What causes conflict is incompatibility between what we think and how we feel.

A young man left his family to find a job and enroll in college. Contending with the college enrollment system left him feeling lost and anxious. Embarrassed and too shy to seek help, he departed for home. Facing friends and family with failure was more acceptable to him than confronting the complexity of a system he didn’t understand, which to others seemed incompatible with his previous high academic performance.

Inner conflicts can play havoc with what you're actually capable of achieving. Yet self-confidence can increase to the point of overriding anxiety that previously told you to flee uncomfortable situations. However, focusing on God's presence in moments of anxiety will provide strength to face your inner struggles with confidence. 

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For the Lord will be your confidence and he will keep your foot from being caught.

~Proverbs 3:26 New American Standard Bible

Let us have confidence, then, and approach God’s throne, where there is grace. There we will receive mercy and find grace to help us just when we need it.

~Hebrews 4:16 Good News Bible

God gives me the strength to face anything.

~Philippians 4:13 Contemporary English Version

To Strive for Peace, Put Away Strife

“How do you resolve conflict? Everything I've tried fails to bring peace. Instead the conflicts worsen, and we’ve grown farther apart,” explained a young man concerning his relationship with his new wife. This reality motivates some who are experiencing conflict to give up and walk out. Conflicts are resolvable when individuals listen to reason.



At the center of conflicts that cannot be resolved exists an incompatibility between what individuals want and the demand for resolution. The more noteworthy a conflict, the more passionate will be a display of feelings. When rationality gives way to blaming and shouting, hope for a solution sinks into an impasse.

What gets lost at this juncture is how much the participants love and care for one another. Separation may be needed so rational thinking can return to correct the damage inflicted on each other’s self-esteem. God's word encourages putting away arguments, fighting and strife. Instead, do your best to understand and respect each other's needs from God’s perspective.  

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Avoid the passions of youth, and strive for righteousness, faith, love, and peace, together with those who with a pure heart call out to the Lord for help. But keep away from foolish and ignorant arguments; you know that they end up in quarrels.

~2 Timothy 2:22-23 Good News Bible

Serious Conflict Requires Serious Sacrifice

Conflicts exist because of concerns that threaten a person or a relationship. Conflict may be incited when someone or something demands change that creates uncertainty and anxiety. What this demonstrates is that needed change has failed to take place, so confrontation is a natural consequence.

The American Revolutionist, Thomas Paine noted that, "What we obtain too cheaply, we tend to respect too flippantly." Only that which has value is worth fighting for. An engaged couple, both professionals, were offered career opportunities that set them on divergent pathways with extended periods of separation. Instead of giving and receiving encouragement, dissension created by anxiety and lack of trust ended their engagement. 

 

Conflict is indicative of competing needs. Serious conflict indicates serious sacrifices are necessary to ensure the stability of a relationship. Jesus was sacrificed to end the rebellion that sin created between mankind and God. What are you willing to sacrifice for peace?  

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“Stop fighting,” he says, “and know that I am God, supreme among the nations, supreme over the world.”

~Psalm 46:10 Good News Bible

And we know that Christ, God’s Son, has come to help us understand and find the true God. And now we are in God because we are in Jesus Christ his Son, who is the only true God; and he is eternal life.

~1 John 5:20 The Living Bible

Keep Crisis Out of Conflict: Confront

Some conflict in life is inevitable and necessary, for without conflict and struggle, relationships could become stagnant and sluggish. However, unresolved conflict can cause trouble when anger accumulates instead of diminishes. In addition, unattended conflict tends to create unhealthy levels of anxiety.

In 1776 Thomas Paine wrote in The American Crisis, "These are the times that try men's souls." Crisis created by unresolved conflict will test every fiber that holds a relationship together. Surprisingly, conflicts that often do the most damage are those which are left unattended because of fear and dread.

Thomas Paine also said: “Conflict, like Hell, is not easily conquered.” Jesus never flinched when confronting evil or unhealthy people. He never denied that his message or mission angered important leaders. Jesus cared enough to confront, so herein lies your challenge. Do you care enough to confront that which is unhealthy in your relationships?  

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If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him – work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend.

~Matthew 18:15 The Message

You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

~Matthew 5:9 The Message

Conflict at a Crossroads

Every person will eventually come to a crossroads in life. For some, it reflects a conflict over whether to stay in a career or activate the freedom to pursue something different. However this choice may mean facing the insecurity of the unknown.

When divorce identifies a crossroads, either the husband or wife may want to save the marriage while the other is determined to end it. Divorce should reflect a struggle within each person who made a commitment to God, their families and friends, to make the marriage last in sickness and in health, for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death do they part.

Most people desire freedom from conflict, for conflict characterizes failure in some aspects of a relationship. Conflict communicates change is needed when it begins to dominate the healthy functioning of life. Conflicts can be resolved when two people choose with God’s guidance to do all within their power to ensure that healthy change takes place. May God give you strength and wisdom to do so. 

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This is what the Lord says: 
"Stand at the crossroads and look; 
ask for the ancient paths, 
ask where the good way is,and walk in it,
and you will find rest for your souls.
But you said: 'We will not walk in it.'"
~Jeremiah 6:16 New International Version

If you listen to me, you will know what is right, just, and fair. You will know what you should do. You will become wise, and your knowledge will give you pleasure. Your insight and understanding will protect you and prevent you from doing the wrong thing.

~Proverbs 2:9-12a Good News Bible