To Strive for Peace, Put Away Strife

“How do you resolve conflict? Everything I've tried fails to bring peace. Instead the conflicts worsen, and we’ve grown farther apart,” explained a young man concerning his relationship with his new wife. This reality motivates some who are experiencing conflict to give up and walk out. Conflicts are resolvable when individuals listen to reason.



At the center of conflicts that cannot be resolved exists an incompatibility between what individuals want and the demand for resolution. The more noteworthy a conflict, the more passionate will be a display of feelings. When rationality gives way to blaming and shouting, hope for a solution sinks into an impasse.

What gets lost at this juncture is how much the participants love and care for one another. Separation may be needed so rational thinking can return to correct the damage inflicted on each other’s self-esteem. God's word encourages putting away arguments, fighting and strife. Instead, do your best to understand and respect each other's needs from God’s perspective.  

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Avoid the passions of youth, and strive for righteousness, faith, love, and peace, together with those who with a pure heart call out to the Lord for help. But keep away from foolish and ignorant arguments; you know that they end up in quarrels.

~2 Timothy 2:22-23 Good News Bible

Relationships 101: Keep on Understanding and Accepting

What soothes a distressed heart and mind are calm, understanding words that communicate acceptance. Understanding and acceptance dismantle emotional distance generated by conflict. By understanding another person's behavior, it is possible to choose a better way of responding rather than to construct an emotional barrier to communications.  

Relationships tend to follow specific stages. The first is the honeymoon phase. Feelings of acceptance, love and closeness produce an atmosphere conducive for commitment that promises to last forever. The next phase defines periods of disappointment and struggle where a true picture emerges of relationship compatibility.

If there are understanding and acceptance of imperfections, then the third phase of accommodation takes place. The realization that imperfections exist but can be tolerated defines accommodation. Understanding is the key to conflict resolution, and it takes place in this phase. “Although it costs all you have, get understanding,” advises Proverbs 4:7. 

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Understanding your word brings light to the minds of ordinary people.

~Psalm 119:130 Contemporary English Version

Listen to what is wise and try to understand it. Yes, beg for knowledge, plead for insight. Look for it as hard as you would for silver or some hidden treasure.

~Proverbs 2:2-4 Good News Bible

Fight or Flight OR a Better Choice

Conflict demands a response, and the most common reaction is to fight. Another is to take flight and run away. Fighting is characterized by hot verbal exchanges, and in a marriage relationship to blame each other for every bad experience since taking the marriage vows. Whatever form fighting embraces, rarely does conflict reach resolution within these conditions.

Taking flight to manage conflict can be observed in several distinct forms. Literally running away to avoid angry confrontations is not uncommon for those who hate fighting. The shy, reserved personality type who feels unsafe and threatened by angry outbursts may immediately withdraw emotionally or physically to avoid conflict.

Perpetual conflict is an indicator of dysfunctional relationships and a sure endangerment to the stability of a marriage or friendship. The Lord Jesus Christ came into the world so we could live life to the fullest, and that doesn’t mean a life full of conflict, but rather one full of peace and contentment. It is absolutely possible to choose these feelings rather than conflict.  

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A thief does not come for any purpose but to steal and kill and destroy; I have come for people to have life and have it till it overflows.

~John 10:10 Williams – New Testament in the Language of the People

And God’s peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 4:7 Good News Bible

When Stress Creates Distress

Most babies are born into homes where conflict is minimal. While no home is completely exempt from conflict, some people are better equipped to manage it successfully. Sheer determination to find resolutions helps some people gain valuable skills and strategies for resolving conflicts. Others, however, permit conflict to evolve into serious power struggles that separate them from each other.

Total and complete compatibility is rare even between those who are 100% committed to their relationship. But sometimes the slightest degree of incompatibility over finances, sex, parenting, religion, in-laws or friends can cause friction that provokes quarrels and distress. The abuse of drugs and alcohol is another source of conflict.

The danger of leaving conflict unattended may distress what is outwardly a peaceful relationship. Distress can cause major arguments and battles to evolve into a means for relieving tension. Facing the truth of conflict and exposing it to God’s light and guidance is healthy, for then there is hope for a resolution.  

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You’re a fountain of cascading light, and you open our eyes to light.

~Psalm 36:9 The Message

Now if you have known anything of Christ’s encouragement and of his reassuring love; if you have known something of the fellowship of his Spirit, and of compassion and deep sympathy, do make my joy complete – live together in harmony, live together in love, as though you had only one mind and one spirit between you.

~Philippians 2:1-2 Phillips – New Testament in Modern English

To Manage Conflict, Communicate Kindness

Joseph, the favorite son of Jacob, was not protected from the conflict he had to endure with his older brothers. This conflict was just a sample of what he would face as a young man far away from home in Egypt. Conflict invades everyone's life, so it’s not a matter of choosing whether conflict will be experienced, but how it will be managed.

By the end of adolescence most people have developed a system for coping with conflict regardless of how healthy each person may be. This does not imply that change and growth are out of the question. Personality type and temperament along with parental role models influence how conflict will be managed and consequently its success or failure.

Through respectful communication and compassionate understanding, conflict can bring people closer together. Genesis 13 illustrates how Abraham successfully negotiated an end to conflict with his nephew Lot by giving Lot two positive alternatives. God gives wisdom for resolving conflicts to those who earnestly seek it. 

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Then Abram said to Lot, “We are relatives, and your men and my men shouldn’t be quarreling. So let’s separate. You go one way, and I’ll go the other.”

~Genesis 13:8-9 Good News Bible

My dear friends, you should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry. If you are angry, you cannot do any of the good things that God wants done.

~James 1:19-20 Contemporary English Version

An Olive Branch Extended

Occasionally stories surface about a marriage or friendship that’s survived for years without experiencing conflict or turmoil. Differences can provoke anger and the desire to put someone in their place even when it damages that person’s self-esteem. Those experiencing such an attack may retaliate with equally offensive measures.

 

However, some people withdraw and stoically remain unwilling to negotiate an end to a silent war. Yet most people desire resolution and will offer an olive branch indicating a willingness to restore fellowship. Then there are those who desire peace and restoration, but lack courage or the skills to make it happen even when there's an open door for a resolution.

Conflict resolution must include forgiveness so peace and renewal can be achieved. As forgiveness builds the bridge to restoration, excuses for conflict are dismantled. Forgiveness allows compassion to be expressed towards those responsible for the pain and suffering. God will make a way for peace.  

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So if you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and suddenly remember that a friend has something against you, leave your sacrifice there beside the altar and go and apologize and be reconciled to him, and then come and offer your sacrifice to God.

~Matthew 5:23-24 The Living Bible

So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them, and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying, “I repent,” you must forgive them.

~Luke 17:3-4 New International Version

Crossing from Anger to Trust

It's imperative to acknowledge that anger can be provoked in everyone, but it likewise can become the means for creating healthy, strong relationships rather than a force for destroying what’s potentially good and loving. While expressed anger can be frightening, it’s possible for it to be used constructively for resolving conflict and developing trust.

  

In a counseling session, a woman in a fit of anger took off her shoe and began thrashing her husband. This happened in an instant, to everyone’s dismay. After the adrenaline rush dissipated, she explained that her husband said something that infuriated her, so anger and rage took control.

Proverbs 15:18 declares, “A hot-tempered person stirs up dissension and starts fights.” Explosions of anger and rage seldom resolve issues or bring couples closer together. It’s imperative to accept  responsibility for your anger. Anger can be the means for expressing healthy feelings and thoughts while building a bridge to trust and respect.  

Where Jealousy Festers, Reconciliation Is Required

The renowned anthropologist Margaret Mead described jealousy as a festering spot in every personality that includes a negative undesirable attitude. You would think a smart achieving person would not succumb to jealousy, but everyone has areas where superiority cannot overshadow feelings of inferiority.

A friend related how astonished she was by a family member’s jealous behavior that surfaced whenever she came to visit. This friend is intelligent, a good host capable of doing whatever it takes to avoid conflict. However, when her relative came to visit, happy times evaporated as spiteful barbs and jibes were expressed.

My friend decided to e-mail her relative seeking a resolution. She spelled out what she observed to be the issue. She encouraged her relative to give suggestions for a resolution. They agreed to work toward reconciliation and forgiveness. Patience and courage were required, but knowing God would honor and bless their efforts was encouraging.

Trust in Change to Bring Improvement - Part 3

The road to conflict is easy to find and travel on. Every individual seeks power in some fashion, and power paves the way for disagreements, arguments and fights. Power contributes to a sense of individuality and importance. The healthiest relationships have a distribution of power, with conflict kept manageable and within reason.

Ross Perot, a past presidential hopeful, said, “Power is wonderful and absolute power is absolutely wonderful.” A wise philosopher remarked, “He is most wonderful who has power over himself.” Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, given by God. It enables conflict to remain healthy and resolutions to be discovered that will enhance trust and intimacy.

The interesting aspect of power is that once it’s possessed, power is extremely difficult to give up. Jesus gave his disciples this challenge: “All power in heaven and earth has been given to me, therefore go everywhere and make disciples,” which means he gives us power to serve him wherever we are. May God bless and keep you within his care.  

Trust in Change to Bring Improvement - Part 1

Conflict resolution requires each person to be open-minded to new ideas and possibilities. Otherwise, people stay fixated in the same old rut because there is no other option. However, there are times when inroads to resolution of conflict come unexpectedly. A young woman felt obligated to ask her husband for a decision on each problem she faced.

Then his job abruptly required that he be away from home several days each week which meant she had to make independent choices. Although feeling insecure, she was forced to explore the unfamiliar territory of independent decision making while he was gone. This change forced the couple to begin trusting each other.

Surprisingly, this couple’s relationship improved dramatically as each became more trusting and confident. Where unhealthy relationships exist because of conflict, God faithfully sends chances to make inroads for change. He expects us to be alert and willing to change unhealthy behavior and trust his leadership for those changes.  

Conflict: Deterrent or Encouragement to Change? - Part 2

Isn’t it interesting how conflict and struggle seem to be pervasive in all areas of life? Most conflicts are resolvable by our being willing to clear the air and ease tension. With determination to communicate, we can discover solutions that restore peace, which ultimately provides confidence and hope for a relationship.

Persistent conflict tends to threaten intimacy and closeness, especially when discordant voices override each other. However, momentary feelings of compassion can arise to ease the tension so more conciliatory positions and solutions can be discussed. Having an attitude of acceptance rather than being locked into a grim standoff provides hope for solutions.

A willingness to modify one’s perception of a problem can be the beginning for constructive change to take place. Nicodemus had this experience when he met secretly at night with Jesus to ask straightforward questions. When God’s Spirit indwells the person, change is a reality that is transforming.  

Like It or Not, Change Will Come - Part 3

What does it take to make significant personal, social or financial changes? Our economy basically runs on credit and a philosophical perspective that says, enjoy it now and pay later. What does it take to make significant changes concerning what you think you need, what you must have, and how to fit in socially to secure your happiness?

Trying to make changes can be discouraging because real change doesn’t come easily. Change must begin at a deeper level within the heart and mind and then move outwardly. God made it possible to realize change is needed when relationships deteriorate due to unresolved conflicts trying to co-exist with anger and sadness.

Significant change becomes possible as we sacrifice pride and fear to be honest with God, significant others and ourselves. Restoring love and affection is the primary objective along with conflict resolution. The First Epistle of John commands us to love one another, which is possible when love for God is our primary objective.