To Avoid Heated Conflict, Keep Words Cool

Even in the closest relationships, disagreements are impossible to avoid – and even when people are of similar temperament and personality. Some individuals keep their opinions to themselves to avoid conflict and keep peace. Yet most people feel compelled to refute what they do not agree with by arguing or by presenting evidence to the contrary.

Because disagreements are normal, healthy families and couples usually agree upon some basic rules for communicating under difficult conditions. One helpful rule is to maintain personal integrity by refusing to digress into inappropriate language and shouting matches.

Patience is a fruit of the Spirit and necessary for preserving personal integrity in the search for solutions to conflicts. Defending integrity is vital to effective communication. Listen to Proverbs 11:3: “The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” Permit the presence of the Lord God to be your guide.  

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Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.

~Proverbs 17:27 English Standard Version

 

It’s a mark of good character to avoid quarrels; but fools love to pick fights.

~Proverbs 20:3 The Message

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Communication Gatekeeper: Protector of Relationships

It’s impossible to agree with everything we hear due to personality differences, our religious and political views, and our perception of the world. In our closest relationships, disagreements are expected, but whether they evolve into conflict depends on the effectiveness of the gatekeeper’s influence and power over our emotions.

The gatekeeper, identified as the voice of conscience enhanced by the Holy Spirit, should provide alternatives to negative communications that could cause a relationship breakup. The purpose of the gatekeeper is to determine what is acceptable for healthy communications and the overall good of a relationship.

Proverbs 18:1 offers this reminder: "People who do not get along with others are interested only in themselves; they will disagree with what everyone else knows is right." A principle for effective communications is to make sure the highest level of integrity is maintained in language and motives. This pleases the Lord God. 

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Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.

~Proverbs 21:23 English Standard Version

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Pay Attention to Your Gatekeeper

The idea of a gatekeeper as a basis for effective communication makes sense. The gatekeeper serves as overseer of what is about to be said to determine its appropriateness, including the tone of voice accompanying the spoken word. The voice of conscience enhanced by the Holy Spirit becomes the gatekeeper for communications and behavior.

The gatekeepers' assessment may be overridden when words are upsetting and threatening. If frustration and anger become unmanageable, then the words that are spoken may result in regrettable consequences. The gatekeeper’s attempts to clean up the hurt and wounded pride may be met with strong resistance.

The Holy Spirit aids the gatekeeper as teacher, counselor, and comforter. Your mission is to be attentive to what is communicated following an overreaction. It takes courage to seek reconciliation, but for those willing to reach out, the appropriate words will find their way to your voice. Pray for guidance and wait for the Holy Spirit to provide it. 

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I’ll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands.

~Ezekiel 36:27 The Message

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Our Internal Gatekeeper

In professional communication systems, a gatekeeper is a person who receives messages and then passes them on to others or may prevent messages from reaching their destination. A gatekeeper can change a message to make it acceptable and compatible with other forms of communications.

The gatekeeper is responsible for interpreting incoming and outgoing messages to determine if they are acceptable. Everyone has been accused of not listening or just hearing parts of a message. When conflicts arise, some folks will say anything to win regardless of the harm it causes to their relationships.

In every possible circumstance God provides us with two special helps for utilizing our internal gatekeeper. One is the voice of conscience and the other is the work of the Holy Spirit. Each makes us aware of what is acceptable and what should be rejected. As we comply with these promptings, we are blessed and affirmed by the Lord Jesus Christ, who gives us confidence in our gatekeeper.  

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A [person’s] conscience is the Lord’s searchlight exposing his hidden motives.  

~Proverbs 20:27 The Living Bible

 

If we follow our desires, we cannot please God. You are no longer ruled by your desires, but by God’s Spirit, who lives in you.

~Romans 8:8-9 Contemporary English Version

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A Gatekeeper of Words

Understanding when to speak and how to phrase what needs to be said is crucial to effective communication. Everyone has experienced trying to communicate and not being receptive to a listener. Essential to effective communications is realizing the choice of words and  tone of voice either attract others or turn them away.

What comes to mind when you hear the word gatekeeper? You might think of someone who has authority to permit entrance into an establishment. Each person is in effect a gatekeeper for all the words stored up in their vocabulary, one which has power to unleash a flood of words intended for good or evil. 

Think of yourself as the gatekeeper for your words that produce peace or dissention, good or evil. God’s word directs us to guard our hearts by being a responsible gatekeeper for what we say as well as what we allow ourselves to hear. Ask Christ Jesus to create in you a clean heart and a right spirit. He will do it. 

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Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!

~Psalm 141:3 English Standard Version

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Truth Brings Forth Trust

One of the most important features of effective communication is our trust in the integrity and honesty of the speaker. That person must be trustworthy because when trust is absent, communication becomes unreliable. An essential principle for effective communication is that our words must represent the highest human values.

An adolescent confided that the most important objective of her life was regaining her mother's trust. A year earlier she had become deceptive in her behaviors and communications. In order to regain her mother’s trust she willingly complied within the boundaries that were compatible with truth and honesty.

Effective communication reflects sound values and virtues. These virtues serve as a guide in times of strife or peace. God's word reminds us to speak the truth in every situation. Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life." By keeping our trust and faith in Christ Jesus active, we will be able to live with others in that truth.  

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[Jesus prayed,] Your word is the truth. So let this truth make [my followers] completely yours…I have given myself completely for their sake, so that they may belong completely to the truth.

~John 17:17,19 Contemporary English Version

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Want to Communicate? Then Communicate

During the initial days of a relationship, each person tries to present an acceptable image of themselves. How we communicate determines whether a relationship ends or goes forward. Each encounter is an interview which conveys truth and honesty – or disinformation and fiction.

It's not unusual for an individual to refuse to communicate except when necessary, and then only on a superficial level. Unresolved conflict is a primary reason for diminished communications. Becoming detached or distant in one's relationships reflects an unwillingness to live by the virtues that give life its richest meaning and purpose.

Unhappiness can result in a decision to live in emotional exile. However, effective communication therapy helps individuals become responsive and open enough to restore meaning and purpose to their relationships. Hiding from the truth is contrary to God's plan. God promises the truth will set you free, and you can trust God's word to be true. 

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Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

~Proverbs 18:21 English Standard Version

I will give you a new heart – I will give you new and right desires – and put a new spirit within you. I will take out your stony hearts of sin and give you new hearts of love.

~Ezekiel 36:26 The Living Bible

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Use Honorable Language for Effective Communication

The way we communicate says as much about our identity as any other attribute. It’s apparent that the way we communicate may vary according to our circumstances. Your vocabulary may be different at home than it is at work. Continuity in values demonstrates honesty and integrity.

Our values influence how we perceive the world and our place in it. Values impact our identity and the way we communicate. One question each person is destined to ask is: How can my life be useful and spiritually meaningful, based on values that are acceptable to Jesus Christ?

Another principle for effective communication includes language that corresponds to the highest values that give meaning and purpose to life. James 3:9-10 makes it clear that Christians are not to be contradictory in their conversations by praising God and then cursing others. Let your conversations reflect the highest moral and spiritual standards so you will be found acceptable to the Lord Jesus Christ.  

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With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongue we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth! My friends, this can’t go on.

~James 3:9-10 The Message 

“Listen to [my warning]. Honor me with all your heart,” says the Lord who rules over all.

~Malachi 2:2a New International Reader’s Version

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Fear to Listen = Failure to Communicate

Listening is easy when there is an appreciative reason for doing so, but it’s difficult when positive reinforcement is not present. It is possible to permit differences of intelligence, education, or even social standing to become barriers to listening. We often refuse to listen to information that challenges our beliefs and lifestyle.

There seems to be an underlying fear that listening compels us to modify our opinions and behaviors. Jesus encountered resistance from the religious leaders who felt threatened by any challenge to their authority. They refused to listen because they feared Jesus would change the current  balance of power and their way of life.

The fact is that someone else could have a better idea than ours, but if fear of losing our prestige or power is an issue, permitting that person to express their ideas and solutions is not permissible for us. Wise is the person who listens deliberately and empathically to others and also listens to the council of the Holy Spirit. So be quick to listen.  

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[Jesus said,] “Listen, then, if you have ears!” He also said to them, “Pay attention to what you hear! The same rules you use to judge others will be used by God to judge you – but with even greater severity.”

~Mark 4:23-24 Good News Bible

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Listening: An Act of Kindness

A fourth essential principle for effective communication is listening attentively or deliberately to others as they relay their message. Exercising this skill is a necessity because most individuals are selective listeners and biased in what they hear. When an inconsistency occurs between what is heard and what is acceptable, conflict may quickly reveal itself.

Research has discovered we’re capable of speaking up to 175 words per minute, while our ability to listen is in the neighborhood of 600 words per minute. However, listening becomes difficult if we permit our thoughts to jump ahead, trying to analyze the motive and purpose of the speaker or compose our response.

Kindness is authenticated as we deliberately and empathically listen when another person is speaking. This is necessary for catching the complete meaning of the message being communicated. Kindness, motivated by appreciation, reflects the heart and mind of the Lord Jesus Christ, who listens to our need to connect with him. 

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Ears that hear and eyes that see – we get our basic equipment from God!

~Proverbs 20:12 The Message

 And Jesus concluded, “Listen, then, if you have ears!”

~Mark 4:9 Good News Bible

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Deliberate Listening Leads to Effective Communication

To communicate effectively, careful consideration must be given to listening thoroughly with an open mind. Thorough listening does not mean racing ahead in your mind to formulate a response or rebuttal. For words to have value, they must be received with the same degree of importance as when spoken by the other person.

So a basic principle for effective communication is listening with empathy. Empathic listening includes identifying with and understanding another person's feelings along with their spoken words, even when the other person is trying to hide their feelings. Camouflaging your own feelings is done to avoid exposing tender vulnerabilities.

The objective of deliberate listening is to evaluate the spoken words. God gave us the willingness to listen so we could understand others. He repeatedly admonishes us to listen deliberately to him. By listening carefully, we demonstrate that his words as well as the words of others have value and are worthy of our love and appreciation. 

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Then Jesus called to the crowd to come and hear. “All of you listen,” he said, “and try to understand. Your souls aren’t harmed by what you eat but by what you think and say!”  

~Mark 7:14-16 The Living Bible

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Choose Your Responses with Care

An essential principle in effective communication is choosing when to speak. Some people will say everything they think without considering that words impact people as significantly as any other behavior. We will remember words of criticism for a lifetime.

Evaluating the impact our words have on others is a wise choice. Proverbs 15:2 carries a warning: "The tongue of the wise conveys knowledge, but the mouth of the foolish gushes folly." We are to employ wisdom in the usage of words because harsh criticism seldom produces positive change. Carefully choosing affirming words builds a bridge to effective communications.

Our response to unwholesome speech can model patience and a caring attitude by controlling what and when we reply. Proverbs 12:8 offers guidance for these situations. "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise is healing". Carefully choosing words that please the Lord God brings his blessings into our lives. 

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[Jesus said]…”a man’s words flow out of what fills his heart. A good man gives out good – from the goodness stored in his heart; a bad man gives out evil – from his store of evil. I tell you that men will have to answer at the day of judgment for every careless word they utter – for it is your words that will acquit you and your words that will condemn you.”

~Matthew 12:34-37 Phillips – New Testament in Modern English

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Choice of Words – Vital for Effective Communication

Choosing what to say and how to say it is an essential principal for effective communication. This truth is acknowledged in Proverbs 15:4: “Words that bring healing are a tree of life, but deceitful words crush the spirit.” Choosing words carefully mirrors a person’s thoughtfulness and character. It is also indicative of active listening.

Some people listen to be supportive while others listen to be critical and condescending. Instead of listening to a complete sentence or idea, some individuals hear only certain words and miss what is in the heart of the one speaking. Our words should always be indictive of a healthy, caring person.

It’s important to remember that whatever is in your heart and mind reveals your true character, as reflected in your words. Listen to Psalm 37:30-31: “The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom and his tongue speaks justice. The law of his God is in his heart; his foot does not slip.” Allow the Lord Jesus to fill you with his wisdom and righteousness. This will transform your heart and soul.  

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An idea well-expressed is like a design of gold, set in silver. A warning given by an experienced person to someone willing to listen is more valuable than gold rings or jewelry made of the finest gold.

~Proverbs 25:11-12 Good News Bible

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