Searching the Heart with Search Talk – Part 3

It's difficult to thoroughly know another person until you’ve seen them at their worst. As a college freshman my son shared an apartment with a friend from high school. By semester’s end he was ready to move in with another friend he believed would be more compatible. We seem destined to search for contentment and happiness.

Virgil, the first century BC Roman poet observed, "Happy is the person who searches out the cause of things by inquiring, questioning, and observing." Wanting to understand why someone made a particular choice motivates search talk. Search talk need not be offensive when designed to benefit each person by discovering truth.

Searching for the truth to better understand a person or situation is acceptable although the truth may be painful. Search talk’s objective is to discover truth, which relies on honesty. The Psalmist invites God to search his heart and to know him so he would be free to truly be himself. You can also give God this invitation, so listen closely to what he finds.  

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Look deep into my heart, God, and find out everything I am thinking. Don’t let me follow evil ways, but lead me in the way that time has proven true.

~Psalm 139:23-24 Good News Bible

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

~Psalm 139:23-24 New Living Translation

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Searching the Heart with Search Talk – Part 2

In every effort to communicate, each individual responds to the one speaking and to one’s own moods, expectations, and thoughts. This sets up a chain reaction that can be positive or negative. Search talk seeks to discover solutions to problems, develop guidelines for living, and develop a perspective for pursuing a mutually agreed upon course of action.

Search talk makes every effort to understand one another in terms of what is needed or wanted. Search talk also implies that trust and respect are a given, assuring what is discovered will remain private and never used to hurt the other.

Search talk can provide clues on how to overcome obstacles. Jesus consistently engaged others in search talk to help clarify needs, discover solutions to problems, and bring light to hidden motives. Psalm 4:4 challenges you to search your heart and mind by thinking deeply when there is trouble and then to seek solutions from wise counselors. Wait patiently until you are confident in how God wants you to proceed.  

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Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.

~Psalm 4:4 New International Version

The Lord searches all hearts and examines deepest motives so he can give to each person his right reward, according to his deeds – how he has lived.

~Jeremiah 17:10 The Living Bible

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Searching the Heart with Search Talk – Part 1

Communication is a natural, basic interaction in healthy loving relationships. Successful communication depends on correctly hearing and understanding what is said for the central purpose of responding appropriately. This is achieved by speaking or acting in ways that are non-threatening and non-offensive.

How a person looks, their facial expression, the tone of their voice, and the look in their eyes contribute to non-verbal messages. Search talk is a form of communication where both verbal and non-verbal expressions are explored for better understanding.

Search talk’s objective is to explore solutions to problems. Search talk is successful when each person remains committed to a mutual, shared purpose. Romans 8:27 reminds us that God searches our hearts to thoroughly know the motives that trigger our thinking and behavior. As we ask God to help us search our own heart, he gives us insight and wisdom for being committed to actions that honor him and those with whom we are in relationship.  

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You have looked deep into my heart, Lord, and you know all about me.

~Psalm 139:1 Contemporary English Version

The hearts of wise people guard their mouths. Their words make people want to learn more.

~Proverbs 16:23 New International Reader’s Version

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Listening for Unity

What would you say is the primary purpose for communications? If you say to give or receive information or to clarify issues, you would be basically right. Communication is designed to help people understand what is needed to accomplish a task. It is important to listen thoroughly so there can be unity of thought and purpose.

Failing to listen by jumping to conclusions sabotages purpose and unity. Since each person may differ in willingness to hear information, it’s possible for there to be variations in what is understood, which then sets the stage for conflict. Prematurely coming to judgment with limited information causes disunity and turmoil. 

Listening to understand may mean delaying obvious conclusions. Active listening includes realizing the importance of words and feelings, for both give meaning and purpose to communication. Jesus scolded people for having perfectly good ears but still being unable to hear. So listen to identify feelings as well as the spoken word. 

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The one who gives an answer before he listens – this is foolishness and disgrace for him.

~ Proverbs 18:13 Holman Christian Standard Bible

 

And beyond all these things put on love, which is the prefect bond of unity.

~Colossians 3:14 New American Standard Bible

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Is the Silence Golden?

Someone said silence is golden when it is used as a powerful technique for communications. Experts agree that silence can speak louder than the spoken word. Silence is not an indication of an inactive brain or a lack of thinking. Difficult issues are often resolved during periods of silence even in the healthiest relationships.

There is both a positive and negative dimension to silence. It can be destructive if someone refuses to address important issues. Silence can become destructive when it is used as a tool for punishment. It’s also destructive when used to secure emotional distance or to keep someone off balance. Silence that causes pain and suffering is destructive.

Silence can be helpful for soothing tension and regaining a healthy mental and emotional perspective. When silence is used for listening, it’s possible to hear more than mere words. This builds a bridge to understanding the other person. Jesus often retreated to a lonely, quiet place to connect with his Heavenly Father. Perhaps you should explore that option. 

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Be still and know that I am God... Be still and know that I am… Be still and know… Be still… Be…

~Psalm 46:10 New International Version

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Did You Listen? Can You Hear?

Is there a difference in listening and actually hearing what is being communicated? Listening is distinguished from hearing in that listening can take place with little concern for the speaker or without acknowledging any value on the words spoken. Hearing involves actively processing the meaning, purpose, and application of the words.

On one occasion Jesus acknowledged his audience had ears for hearing but were unwilling to grasp the meaning of his words. Attributing value to the one speaking and the words spoken defines communication. When the blind man in Mark 10:46 wanted to speak to Jesus, he was so excited that those around him tried to shut him up.

Finally, he was able to speak directly to Jesus, who heard the desperation in his voice as well as the faith in his heart. This persuaded Jesus to heal him. When we listen intently to what lies beneath the words, we are able to hear with distinction what is most important to the one speaking. 

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Jesus…said, “No, that isn’t it at all! Can’t you understand? Are your hearts too hard to take it in? Your eyes are to see with – why don’t you look? Why don’t you open your ears and listen? Don’t you remember anything at all?”

~Mark 8:17-18 The Living Bible

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Compassionate Listening

The main purpose of straight talk as a communication tool is to share what’s important even when it may seem trivial. Every person has been guilty of marginally listening to someone who needs to share what they think or feel. Failure to experience the compassionate listening of another person accounts for some people concealing their thoughts and feelings.

Each person must feel assured they can share what’s inside of them without fear of reprisal or criticism. A sense of safety is required for revealing what is hidden in the heart and soul. Know that it takes discipline and self-control to listen, but the reward is gaining trust and love from the one who wants you to listen.

Listening with the intent to understand demands patience but conveys a sense of importance for the one who is speaking. The rewards are declared in an old Swedish proverb: “As we share our joys, they are doubled. As we share our sorrows, they are halved”. For this privilege of sharing who we are with special people, we give thanks to you, Christ Jesus.

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The one who knows much says little; 

an understanding person remains calm.

~Proverbs 17:27 The Message

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Intentionally Listening Intently

One of the most loving ways to communicate is by listening intently to the words you’re hearing in addition to focusing on the feelings that are  driving the spoken words. Listening to words and feelings requires a conscious decision to shut out intrusive thoughts that steal attention away from what you’re hearing.

Choosing to listen with intentions to remember what is said takes appreciation and respect for the listener. Squelching the compulsive need to formulate a response before the other person has finished their thought or idea is required for effective communication. Failure to communicate is linked to inattentive listening habits.

Partial listening occurs when you fail to shut out distractions. You must acknowledge the speaker you’re listening to as being worthy of your complete attention and respect. Listening intently as a person shares their heart and soul is demonstrating your appreciation and love. Christ Jesus listens as we approach him with our need to be heard. 

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Wise men and women are always learning, always listening for fresh insights.

~Proverbs 18:15 The Message

And we are sure of this, that [God] will listen to us whenever we ask him for anything in line with his will.

~1 John 5:14 The Living Bible

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Straight Talk: Speak It, Hear It

In order for successful relationships to remain vibrant and alive, there must be healthy, unrestrained communication. Open communication binds a family together through the difficult days each relationship is destined to experience. Communication depends on listening as much as it does on clearly articulating what needs to be said.

Saying what you mean in straightforward language is a necessity for being understood. That does not mean yelling or screaming and using offensive words to the one hearing what you want to communicate. Remember, it’s hard to listen when your thoughts race ahead to formulate a response, especially if what you’re hearing is difficult to accept.  

Most everyone is receptive to straight talk if spoken with integrity and concern for the integrity of the listener. When we're receptive to hearing what God has to say to us in worship, prayer, and Scripture, he speaks so we can understand. So listen closely and thoroughly and he will direct you in ways that lead to life and peace.  

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A bad motive can’t achieve a good end; double-talk brings you double trouble.

~Proverbs 17:20 The Message

Whatever you have to say, let your ‘yes’ be a plain ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ be a plain ‘no’ – anything more than this has a taint of evil.  

~Matthew 5:37 Phillips – The New Testament in Modern English

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Sweet Speech vs. Spite

The way we talk and the words we use define our character. Our communication style and the tone of our voice give insight into the success or failure of the objectives we try to achieve with others. Listen to Proverbs 12:18: “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

The demands of spiteful, sarcastic language are never met. It's interesting to note that the Greek word for sarcasm means to "tear flesh", and tear is what it does – emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. So spiteful words poison a relationship, but you can change your speech.

Matthew 15:11 gives us wisdom from Jesus: “It’s not what goes into your mouth that defiles you, you are polluted by words that come out of your mouth.” Proverbs 16:24 reminds us, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones”. The Holy Spirit longs to give you courage to apply God’s way to your speech so you will have peace with God and yourself.

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Mean people spread mean gossip; their words smart and burn.

~Proverbs 16:27 The Message

Make your words good – you will be glad you did.

~Proverbs 18:20 Contemporary English Version

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Words Full of Spite Are Not Right

The fundamental reason for using spiteful language is to discredit others. Spiteful words are loaded with malice and evil. Gossip and slander are examples of spiteful talk that belittles and humiliates those disliked or hated. Remember, God’s word never approves of spiteful language.

Feelings of jealousy are perpetuated by inferiority. Feelings of inferiority give birth to malicious jabs directed toward whomever is considered a threat. When my children were in middle school, spiteful taunts filled with sarcasm were common when speaking to friends and foes alike.

God does not approve of a spiteful attitude, for it does not indicate love for God or oneself. Listen to Psalm 19:14: “Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable to you, O Lord, my rock and redeemer.” Proverbs 15:28 follows with, “The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking.” God’s way is better.  

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Malice backfires; spite boomerangs.

~Proverbs 26:27 The Message

Have done, then, with all evil and deceit, all pretense and jealousy and slander.  

~1 Peter 2:1 Phillips – The New Testament in Modern English

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Communicate with Kindness, Not Cruelty

Communication can be direct and to the point or indirect and subtle. Either way can be effective in conveying information. Communication can express either warmth and loving acceptance or rejection with cold-hearted hatred. Words can be used as a means for resolving conflict or for advancing selfish desires and ambitions.

I recently observed a father attempting to manage his three young sons. His management style shifted from using a commanding voice to being humorous and playful, depending on what was needed at the moment. The boys could be playful and happy but then shift to using fighting, hostile words.

Adults also are capable of communicating with spiteful, malicious language that takes aim at another’s character and self-esteem. Proverbs 11:17 gives this counsel: “Your own soul is nourished when you are kind, but you destroy yourself when you are cruel.” So guard your thoughts and words, for in doing so you will please and honor what Christ Jesus expects of you. 

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Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim.

~Proverbs 15:4 The Message

What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences of your words.

~Proverbs 18:21 Good News Bible       

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Fighting Words Aren't Wise Words

I’m consistently reminded how quickly children learn to defend their possessions. This demonstrates their first primitive act of setting boundaries. During the toddler stage, children use imperatives such as, "No!" “Stop!” and "That's mine!"  They've also learned to coach others into play activities by means of persuasion.

When situations become tense, children blame others and fight to force change in their flavor. The objective of “fight language” is to create  fear and force compliance with what is demanded. Fighting words are a communication style used to assert power and make intentions known.

No one likes to lose an argument, so aggressive language is used as a defense against being vulnerable and exposing weaknesses. Proverbs 15 gives us a better way. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.” Also, “The tongue of the wise brings healing as a tree of life.” This communication style can save a relationship. It’s worth the effort.  

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A quick-tempered person starts fights; a cool-tempered person stop them.

~Proverbs 15:18 New Living Translation 

Good judgment proves that you are wise, and if you speak kindly, you can teach others.

~Proverbs 16:21 Contemporary English Version

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Shaping a Toddler's Communication Skills

It's incredible how much communication skills increase during the toddler stage of child development. They learn their language from their culture, which enables them to be social and capable of elementary boundaries. The toddler stage gives birth to expressing emotions and defining their needs.

The toddler learns from parents, siblings, and their peers ways to direct and manage others in activities like play. If given the opportunity, some in this age group demand control by insisting all others meet their needs and wants even when it's disastrous to the child’s emotional and physical well-being.

Out of frustration, children learn to fight physically. They also learn to fight verbally, which gets refined through each stage of development. The good news is, children also learn the language of love, compassion, and forgiveness, when given the opportunity. It's essential to model and teach children these attributes so they will be equipped to have successful relationships. That is God's plan for children.  

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Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love him with all that’s in you, love him with all you’ve got! Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night.

~Deuteronomy 6:5-7 The Message

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