Forgiveness by Steps

If forgiveness is to be successful, it's critically important to accept that it most often proceeds in graduated steps. However, God is not restricted by human limitations. He is capable of instant and complete forgiveness. We are not endowed with God's perfection, so forgiveness may be a bit more difficult to achieve.

When Joseph became aware of the need to forgive his brothers, he realized the consequence of refusing to do so. Therefore, the first step in forgiveness is be aware of what will be lost forever by failing to forgive. Joseph forgave his brothers because he wanted to see his father whom he had not seen for twenty years.

Failure to forgive may affect future losses that are difficult to imagine, such as coming to a juncture in life’s journey only to realize what a mistake it was to have been unforgiving. God intended for us to enjoy a sense of inner peace. That's why he commanded us to forgive others as he has forgiven us. Won’t you seek God’s forgiveness right now?  

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So they sent a message to Joseph: “Before our father died, he told us to ask you, ‘Please forgive the crime your brothers committed when they wronged you.’ Now please forgive us the wrong that we, the servants of your father’s God, have done.” Joseph cried when he received this message…

Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid; I can’t put myself in the place of God. You plotted evil against me, but God turned it into good…You have nothing to fear. I will take care of you and your children.” So he reassured them with kind words that touched their hearts.

~Genesis 50:16-21 Good News Bible

Let's Get Serious about Forgiveness

Forgiveness is without question a bridge builder to transforming individual lives and relationships. Forgiveness has the potential for creating a change in negative feelings and attitudes. Forgiveness lays the groundwork for healthy, rewarding relationships. Yet there seems to be reluctance for trusting forgiveness to accomplish this task.

Perhaps forgiveness fails because it isn't taken seriously. A person should not be pressured into offering or receiving forgiveness when they are not prepared to do so. When forgiveness is offered, it may open old wounds and the pain may seem too difficult to tolerate, so forgiveness is rejected. Yet forgiveness heals old wounds.

If forgiveness is to be successful, each individual must desire it. Forgiveness cannot be coerced if it is to be effective, but it must be sought after like a person seeking after God. "When you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you search for him with all your heart."  Forgiveness parallels that search. 

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But even there, if you seek God, your God, you’ll be able to find him if you’re serious, looking for him with your whole heart and soul. When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, in future days you will come back to God, your God, and listen obediently to what he says. God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. In the end he will not abandon you, he won’t bring you to ruin.

~Deuteronomy 4:29-31 The Message

Forgiven > Transformed > Forgiving

When forgiveness is perceived as a concrete reality, it paves the way for transformation to take place in one's feelings and behavior. As the Holy Spirit convicts a person of sin, it produces repentance. God forgives our sins and remembers them no more because we are precious in his sight.

 

Forgiveness creates a less stressful environment. When the truth of God’s love is grasped, it makes way for a receptiveness that anchors a transforming change in the way we think and feel about God, ourselves and others. The value of that transformation is that we belong to God and our salvation is secured. 

Listen to the words of God from Isaiah 43: “Fear not for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name and you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and when you walk through the fire, the flames will not set you ablaze, for I am the Lord your God and Savior.” When we forgive someone from the depths of our being, it has the power to transform a life or a broken relationship. 

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God rescued us from the dark power of Satan and brought us into the kingdom of his dear Son, who forgives our sins and sets us free.

~Colossians 1:13-14 Contemporary English Version

It is God himself who has made us what we are and given us new lives from Christ Jesus, and long ages ago he planned that we should spend these lives in helping others.

~Ephesians 2:10 The Living Bible

“I’m giving you a new order: Love one another! Love one another as I have loved you.”

~John 13:34 Beck – New Testament in the Language of Today

Facing the Breaking Point

Everyone and every relationship will be subjected to strenuous periods of testing. A marriage may produce enough intense conflict to stretch its moral and emotional fiber to the breaking point. Even when conflict is unavoidable, it can be managed by establishing communication so that forgiveness can be explored and experienced. 

Forgiveness is both a spiritual and a moral responsibility although not easy to initiate or achieve. Yet those who have experienced forgiveness know how transforming it can be. Transformation occurs when you accept another's willingness to apologize and to make things right by changing their behavior that had caused you pain and suffering.

Forgiveness includes changing your mind about someone so there can be a favorable response that replaces doubt, distrust or even hatred. Romans 12:2 reminds us that transformation involves renewing your mind, including a newness to the way you think. Forgiveness is transforming because it produces an atmosphere where love and affection can flourish.

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Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its own mold, but let God re-make you so that your whole attitude of mind is changed. Thus you will prove in practice that the will of God is good, acceptable to him and perfect.

~Romans 12:2 Phillips – The New Testament in Modern English

“I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never – I promise – regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.”

~Luke 6:35-36 The Message

Don't Get Even, Get Merciful

An interesting cliché from out of the past advised: “Don't get angry, get even,” but that advice isn’t compatible with the Christian faith. However there is an automatic reaction to being threatened physically or emotionally. On the other hand, feelings of vengeance can conceal the pain of humiliation, grief and hopelessness.

When Eric discovered his wife Jan was having an affair, he forced her to leave the house and promised that she would never see their children again. She had humiliated him before his family and friends, so he was determined to get even by separating her from their children by having their case heard before a jury. 

Jesus challenged an angry crowd who wanted to stone to death a woman caught in adultery. “He who has not sinned, let him cast the first stone.” There will be a moment when God speaks to your heart to give you wisdom for managing hurtful situations. His way includes forgiveness as opposed to retribution, understanding rather than hatred and real sorrow as opposed to bitterness. God heals broken hearts.  

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They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”

Then he stooped down and again wrote in the dust. When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman.

Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

“No, Lord.” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

~John 8:7-11 New Living Translation

Continue to be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

~Luke 6:36 Williams – New Testament in the Language of the People

The Healing Force of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful healing forces mankind has the privilege of choosing. So, what prevents us from choosing forgiveness rather than bitterness or rage? If vengeance were cleansed from your emotions, you would then have to face the fact of pain and loss created by choices made by you or others.

A woman approaching her sixtieth birthday had divorced her husband thirty years earlier. Although remarried for twenty of those years, the woman’s anger and bitterness directed toward her first husband still surfaces with the slightest provocation. Consequently, an ever-present struggle with bouts of depression robs her of happiness and peace.

Divorce is difficult to forgive. One of the most perplexing steps in forgiveness is asking God to help you view someone as the Lord Jesus views him or her. Jesus came to seek and save the lost, so he sees everyone as worthy of forgiveness. Forgiving others is for your benefit as much as it is for the one who hurt you so deeply.

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Never take vengeance into your own hands, my friends; stand back and let God punish if he will. For it is written: “Vengeance belongs unto me; I will recompense,” says the Lord.

~Romans 12:19 Phillips – The New Testament in Modern English

The Lord Almighty says, “The day is coming when all proud and evil people will burn like straw. On that day they will burn up, and there will be nothing left of them. But for you who obey me, my saving power will rise on you like the sun and bring healing like the sun’s rays. You will be as free and happy as calves let out of a stall.”

~Malachi 4:1-2 Good News Bible

Vengeance: Give It Up, Turn It Over

One alternative to forgiveness is vengeance, which is an obstacle to happiness. The purpose of vengeance can be to side-step other troublesome emotions, like betrayal and hurt which are too painful to face. A person’s heart and mind may become so preoccupied with vengeance, forgiveness seems completely out of the question.

Divorce has the capacity for birthing and nurturing vengeance. Decades after a divorce, disgust and hatred still can dominate the lives of those who once loved and cherished each other. Research indicates that the emotional wounds inflicted by what caused divorce may remain raw and unhealed for years. Forgiveness counseling helps to heal these wounds.

What produces an attitude of vengeance? Vengeance is driven by the need to punish, if only in a passive-aggressive mode. The tragedy of this attitude is the influence it has on your relationship with God. Why don’t you consider giving it up by turning it over to the Lord Jesus Christ? It would please him for you to do so.  

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Do not take revenge on others or continue to hate them, but love your neighbors as you love yourself. I am the Lord.

~Leviticus 19:18 Good News Bible

My children, let us love not merely in theory or in words – let us love in sincerity and in practice!

~1 John 3:18 Phillips – The New Testament in Modern English

Unlock a Door to Loneliness

Forgiveness has the potential for eradicating loneliness. Anger and striving, however, open the door to alienation and isolation. A mother had not seen her son for years because she was so controlling, she had made it impossible for him to choose a career, a wife or a place to live.

In college he dated a woman whom he planned to marry after graduation. His mother refused to attend the ceremony because she felt the young woman was unacceptable. When he decided to move to another state in pursuit of his career, his mother closed the door on their relationship.

After years of alienation her heart softened when her son sent pictures of her grandchildren. She realized she had to let go of unrealistic demands if she were to have a relationship with her son and his family. Seeking her son's forgiveness was difficult. Admitting she had been wrong didn't come easy, but eventually it unsealed the door to her isolation. Seeking forgiveness is only possible by confessing and repenting of deplorable behavior.  

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One who isolates himself pursues selfish desires; he rebels against all sound judgment.

~Proverbs 18:1 Holman Christian Standard Bible

I am lonely and troubled. Show that you care and have pity on me. My awful worries keep growing. Rescue me from sadness. See my troubles and misery and forgive my sins.

~Psalm 25:16-17 Contemporary English Version

Forgiveness with No Strings Attached

Forgiveness offers immediate and forever benefits to those who pursue it. Before these benefits can be experienced, you must confront your resistance to seek or offer forgiveness. Although it's not specifically addressed, there’s a tendency to offer forgiveness with conditions or receive it with reservations. This limits the healing benefits inherent in forgiveness.

Conditional forgiveness is like conditional love. "I will love you if you behave in a way I prescribe." Conditional forgiveness translates into a predictable change in behavior and attitude that fits a personal definition for ways to behave. The hidden agenda in conditional forgiveness is maintaining control over a relationship.

Conditional forgiveness inhibits the healing process while subjecting a relationship to potential failure. When you seek God’s forgiveness, he will put away your sins and forget them for eternity. God’s love is unconditional, and his forgiveness is assured for eternity. As he has loved you, so love one another.  

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I – yes, I alone – will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again.  

~Isaiah 43:25 New Living Translation

God loves you and has chosen you as his own special people. So be gentle, kind, humble, meek, and patient. Put up with each other and forgive anyone who does you wrong.

~Colossians 3:12-13 Contemporary English Version

Feel Shame? Don't Shift the Blame

There are various of ways to pursue forgiveness. One is to seek reconciliation immediately with little thought given to the seriousness of your hurtful behavior. This approach quickly seeks to diminish anger and hurt feelings that the wounded person experienced.

The other approach is to wait patiently for the perfect time when the offended person is receptive to your appeal to be forgiven. The issue here is to prevent conflict from erupting that might cause more hurt feelings. Effective forgiveness must include a willingness to assume full responsibility for hurtful behavior without shifting blame to someone else.

Shame and guilt are diminished as seeking forgiveness focuses on making amends for what the other person endured by your offending words or behavior. It’s easy to justify hurtful behavior by blaming others, but this must be resisted. If you seek forgiveness from others in the strength of the grace and mercy God has shown you, peace that passes all understanding can be yours. Try it.  

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Turn to the Lord and pray to him, now that he is near. Let the wicked leave their way of life and change their way of thinking. Let them turn to the Lord, our God; he is merciful and quick to forgive.

~Isaiah 55:6-7 Good News Bible

In everything you do, you are kind and faithful to everyone who keeps our agreement with you. Be true to your name, Lord, by forgiving each one of my terrible sins.

~Psalm 25:10-11 Contemporary English Version

God's Imperative: Forgiveness and Mercy

Is it possible to forgive those who deliberately hurt you without just cause? Your initial reaction could be to retaliate, determined to inflict equal pain and suffering. However, the Bible requires that forgiveness be given to an offender. God’s willingness to forgive us hinges on this command. It’s essential that you initiate forgiveness and mercy.

You may wonder how forgiveness is possible in the presence of anger and resentment, especially if you are the type who can forgive only when there is some degree of mercy felt toward the offending person. Some people will consider forgiveness only when love is the dominating component in the transaction. 

When Jesus commands us to go and make things right with someone who needs forgiveness, he understands our hesitance to forgive and let go of anger and hurt. If compassion is missing for the offender, but you are willing to carry out Christ’s command, God is faithful and will empower you as you do what he requires. Your reward is the forgiveness of God. 

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“You must be merciful, as your Father is merciful. Don’t judge other people and you will not be judged yourselves. Don’t condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive others and people will forgive you. Give and men will give to you – yes, good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over will they pour into your lap. For whatever measure you use with other people, they will use in their dealings with you.”

~Luke 6:36-38 Phillips – The New Testament in Modern English

Questioning the Quality of Forgiveness

There are some people who believe that once they have decided mentally and emotionally to forgive someone, it's a done deal. They also believe it can be accomplished with little or no communication. This approach calls into question the quality of forgiveness being offered and what state the relationship is in.

Is it credible to believe there are different qualities of forgiveness? Everyone has questioned whether someone was sincere when they were asking for or receiving forgiveness. It might appear that a person who casually asked to be forgiven had little regard for the other person's feelings. It calls into question if there was any depth of meaning to the forgiveness that was desired.

Forgiveness may appear meaningless if it doesn't show evidence to a change in attitude and action. Forgiveness must be more than an attempt to placate guilt or soothe over anger. Fortunately, God knows the depths of our intentions when we seek forgiveness from him. He extends to us perfect forgiveness because his love is perfect. 
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And forgive us our sins as we have forgiven those who sin against us.

~Matthew 6:12 Beck – New Testament in the Language of Today

There is no other God like you, O Lord; you forgive the sins of your people who have survived. You do not stay angry forever, but you take pleasure in showing us your constant love.

~Micah 7:18 Good News Bible

Give Forgiveness a Chance

Forgiveness is a bridge builder to a happier life. Most everyone agrees that being unforgiving contributes to long-term unhappiness. A misperception about forgiveness is that it must completely absolve pain and distrust if it is to be credible. Yet on a human level, lasting and complete forgiveness may evolve over a period of time.  

David wanted to forgive his father, whose patience for his adolescent son had evaporated. This father would become frustrated and go into a tirade, criticizing and name-calling his son whenever David broke the rules. After realizing the severe estrangement he created between his son and himself, the father would ask to be forgiven, but this had little effect on David. 

However, if David could see his father struggling to control his anger, forgiveness might have a chance to succeed. David and his father must realize it takes time for trust to be restored. It's important to pray for patience regardless how perplexing it is to do so. God will reward and strengthen those who make this their priority.  
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But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive you your sins too.

~Mark 11:25 The Living Bible

The Lord isn’t slow about keeping his promises, as some people think he is. In fact, God is patient, because he wants everyone to turn from sin and no one to be lost.  

~2 Peter 3:9 Contemporary English Version