How Do An Apology and Confession Affect Reconciliation?

Spiritually, reconciliation means to be made right with God. It’s not what we do but what Jesus did on the cross that makes it certain. In relationships reconciliation means to be made right with each other – to end hostilities and agree to live in peace.

Broken and fractured relationships need reconciliation, but first a desire for reconciliation must exist in those who created the emotional and physical suffering. That means that some anxiety about the future will have to coexist with hope for a new beginning.

Past behaviors must be forgiven to prevent sabotaging possibilities for repairing the relationship. Taking responsibility for immature behaviors is an essential part of confession and apologizing, and it makes reconciliation promising. 

God helps you clean the slate, as he washed you clean through forgiveness. This is required for possibly restoring a fractured and broken relationship.                  

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Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

~Galatians 6:7-9 New International Version

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How Can Fractured Relationships Be Repaired?

Children from every socioeconomic level experience fractured or broken relationships. These could range from conflict with a friend to losing a parent by divorce, separation, or death. Divorced parents remarry and move away so that visitation becomes sporadic or stops completely.

Repairing fractured or broken relationships is not easy. 

Mending and healing are dependent on the extent of the suffering experienced and the length of time these wounds have festered. What may be interpreted as minor to a parent can be major for a child.

A prerequisite to repairing a broken or wounded relationship is restoring commitment and loyalty. These are manifestations of trustworthiness. Listen to Proverbs 3:3: “Never let go of loyalty and faithfulness. Tie them around your neck and write them on your heart.” Ask God to help you be willing to forgive those who hurt you, for that is essential to God’s forgiving you.                     

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Whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity, and honor.

~Proverbs 21:21 New International Version

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scribe to the Attitudes Answers podcast on your favorite podcast platform to hear this and other 2-minute features 3 days every week. 

How Long Will the Wounds Inflicted by Anger Last?

Anger is costly the moment it’s turned on another person or on oneself. The damage anger inflicts may not be obvious, but the cutting-edge wounds of anger can last a lifetime. A high school student shared with a friend the sadness he felt from being the recipient of constant anger directed toward him by his father.

An obvious cost to this young man is the loss of a close, loving relationship with his father. God intended for fathers to love their children, to nurture and actively support their interests and talents. God instructs fathers to teach children how to be successful, to love God and follow him all of the days of their lives.

The danger of habitual anger is that it transforms into hatred. Proverbs 10:12 warns in the New King James Version that “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sin.” It’s not too late to turn from anger and hatred and let the love of God cleanse and wash you and give you peace so forgiveness will be possible for you.                  

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If we confess our sins, we can depend on [God] to do what is right – He will forgive our sins and wash away every wrong.

~1 John 1:9 Beck – New Testament in the Language of Today

 

[Jesus said,] “But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive you your sins, too.”

~Mark 11:25 The Living Bible

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When Is Anger Acceptable?

It’s often easier to admit making mistakes than it is to acknowledge making bad choices. It’s reasonable to assume that those making an honest mistake do not feel as guilty or defensive as someone who makes a bad choice. The Prodigal Son’s older brother mistakenly believed his younger brother would never return home.

He couldn’t imagine his father throwing a lavish party for someone so irresponsible. This is not dissimilar to Jonah’s reaction when God refused to destroy the people of Nineveh after they repented and turned to him for mercy. Jonah wanted Nineveh destroyed because they were his enemy, but God, in mercy and kindness, forgave them.

Jonah’s anger paralleled the anger of the Prodigal Son’s older brother. God asked Jonah, “Do you have the right to be angry because I show kindness and mercy?” Had he forgotten God had saved him from certain death? By remembering what God has done for you, surely thanksgiving and praise will flow for his kindness and mercy. 

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Now you must repent and turn to God so that your sins may be wiped out, that your souls may know the times of refreshment which come from the presence of the Lord.

~Acts 3:19 Phillips – New Testament in Modern English

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Do Criticism and Fault-finding Work?

Criticism and fault-finding are unproductive methods of persuading someone to change behaviors that are hurtful and emotionally damaging. Yet this strategy is often the one used in attempting to change another person. In adult and family relationships the fault-finder believes it’s appropriate to use this strategy.

Criticism and fault-finding are unhealthy behaviors capable of ruining a relationship, so it’s important to search for ways to be nurturing. What has proven to be successful in achieving this task is adopting behaviors and language that build up rather than tear down a person’s character.

If you immediately feel resistance to this recommendation, listen to God’s proposal from Colossians 3: “Rid yourselves of the anger, rage, malice and slander,” and “Forgive whatever grievance you have against another person.” Forgiveness opens the door to being nurturing, which builds up your character and the other person’s as well. This is God’s way.   

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Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.

~Ephesians 4:29 Good News Bible

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How Is Compassion Related to Forgiveness?

Extending forgiveness is the most important undertaking a person will ever attempt. It goes far beyond just saying, “I forgive you.” When God forgives us, he completely forgets our sins. We, however, can’t forget so completely, but when we sincerely forgive, punishment or revenge-seeking is not pursued.

If forgiveness has taken place, the wounds inflicted by the offense begin to heal. To demonstrate your sincerity in forgiving an offense, the moment the offense is remembered, immediately turn it over to God. He will help you go through the process of forgiving the offender again by instilling in you a heart of compassion.

Asking God to cleanse you from anger, resentment, and hate is another way to demonstrate your desire to forgive. When you ask God to forgive you, he acts with compassion and pity and erases your offense from his memory. To forgive authenticates the compassion Jesus extended to you.  

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There is no other god like you, O Lord; you forgive the sins of your people who have survived. You do not stay angry forever, but you take pleasure in showing us your constant love.

~Micah 7:18 Good News Bible

 

Peter came up to the Lord and asked, “How many times should I forgive someone who does something wrong to me? Is seven time enough?” Jesus answered, “Not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!”

~Matthew 18:21-22 Contemporary English Version

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What Does Forgiveness Include?

Voicing words of forgiveness to heal a relationship is a significant step in seeking reconciliation. Included are words like, “I’m sorry for the hurt and pain I caused you,” or “I regret how deeply you were offended by what I said.” Words to avoid are, “If I hurt you,” or “If I caused you pain.” Being honest and straightforward demonstrates sincerity.

Beyond words that seek forgiveness, heartfelt regret and sorrow also demonstrate sincerity. Repentance includes changing your mindset that made it possible to offend another person by saying hurtful things. True repentance leads to behaviors that build a person up.

Words verbalize what is in the heart and mind so that true repentance will allow the Lord Jesus Christ to create in you a new way of thinking, believing, and relating to others. Making amends is critical to forgiveness, so ask God to give you courage, insight, and wisdom for accomplishing these important life-changing tasks.  

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Now [repent,] change your mind and attitude to God and turn to him so he can cleanse away your sins and send you wonderful times of refreshment from the presence of the Lord.

~Acts 3:19 The Living Bible

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A Bridge to Deliverance

Each person fails at living up to self- or other-imposed expectations. Guilt can be perceived as essential for confession and repentance. Forgiveness is required for restoring fellowship with God and others. Samson believed he was beyond failure, and this faulty thinking set him up to become a prized captive of his enemies.

On one occasion a crowd of three thousand dignitaries jubilantly sang out praises for the capture of this mighty warrior who was now their blind slave. In time Samson’s hair grew out, which produced in him a belief God would renew his strength. This new belief inspired a transformation in his attitude that gave him hope for vindication. 

Perhaps Samson's hope began by accepting that he had actually built the bridge to his disgrace as a man and servant of God. Now as a blind slave, he could be humble before God. Vindication and deliverance are made possible by genuine sorrow and an attitude of humility. Ask God for strength and courage to be humble.  

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The Lord says, “I am the high and holy God, who lives forever. I live in a high and holy place, but I also live with people who are humble and repentant, so that I can restore their confidence and hope.”

~Isaiah 57:15 Good News Bible

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Vengeance: Give It Up, Turn It Over

One alternative to forgiveness is vengeance, which is an obstacle to happiness. The purpose of vengeance can be to side-step other troublesome emotions, like betrayal and hurt which are too painful to face. A person’s heart and mind may become so preoccupied with vengeance, forgiveness seems completely out of the question.

Divorce has the capacity for birthing and nurturing vengeance. Decades after a divorce, disgust and hatred still can dominate the lives of those who once loved and cherished each other. Research indicates that the emotional wounds inflicted by what caused divorce may remain raw and unhealed for years. Forgiveness counseling helps to heal these wounds.

What produces an attitude of vengeance? Vengeance is driven by the need to punish, if only in a passive-aggressive mode. The tragedy of this attitude is the influence it has on your relationship with God. Why don’t you consider giving it up by turning it over to the Lord Jesus Christ? It would please him for you to do so.  

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Do not take revenge on others or continue to hate them, but love your neighbors as you love yourself. I am the Lord.

~Leviticus 19:18 Good News Bible

My children, let us love not merely in theory or in words – let us love in sincerity and in practice!

~1 John 3:18 Phillips – The New Testament in Modern English

Is Forgiveness Possible?

There are those who would argue that forgiveness is too difficult and furthermore you can never again trust someone who deliberately has caused pain and suffering. Evidence indicates, however, the one who forgives lives a healthier and happier life by letting go of anger and bitterness that reside in the heart and mind. Anger turned inward creates other health issues.

TV news featured a story about a businessman who one day didn't come home from work. He abandoned his wife, three children and a promising career. Twenty years later his oldest son made a concerted effort to find his father and finally found him in another state where he wasn’t lost, but deliberately hiding.

His father had chosen to be homeless and loved living on the street void of responsibility. After hours of conversation, this young man realized who his father had become. This was when forgiveness began to take place. While anger and bitterness dissolved, sadness remained because the loss of his father was permanent. Forgiveness is a step toward healing.  

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O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.

~Psalm 86:5 New Living Translation

I want you to know, my very dear friends, that it is on account of this resurrected Jesus that the forgiveness of your sins can be promised. He accomplishes, in those who believe, everything that the Law of Moses could never make good on. But everyone who believes in this raised-up Jesus is declared good and right and whole before God.

~Acts 13:38-39 The Message

A Clean Sweep

How would you feel if someone in authority accused you of being deceitful and stealing when, in fact, you were innocent? Worse still, you knew you had no defense because your innocence could not be proven. This was the dilemma Joseph's brothers faced when they were accused of stealing from an Egyptian official who, unknown to them, was their brother Joseph.

Have you ever struggled with forgiving someone, especially a family member who was supposed to love and protect you but instead betrayed and abandoned you? Can you identify with Joseph’s struggle to seek revenge rather than to forgive his brothers who had sold him into slavery?

As Joseph stood before his brothers, he was overcome with compassion as he listened to them make their defense for Benjamin’s release from custody and explain how their father would react if he lost his youngest son. Forgiveness is necessary for healing the hurt, pain and sorrow of grief. A clean mind and spirit clear the way for a new beginning to become a reality. God delights in forgiving you and helping you achieve this objective. 

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For if you forgive others their shortcomings, your heavenly Father will forgive you, too.

~Matthew 6:14 Williams – New Testament in the Language of the People

If your brother ever sins, correct him; and if he’s sorry, forgive him.

~Luke 17:3 Beck – New Testament in the Language of Today

Be gentle with one another, sensitive; forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.

~Ephesians 4:32 The Message

Forgiveness – and Other Hard Choices

          

Although Jacob was resolutely against permitting Benjamin to accompany his brothers to Egypt to buy grain, facing starvation changed his mind. Joseph had been his father’s favorite son, but Jacob believed Joseph was dead, so Benjamin was now his current favorite. Benjamin was the younger son of Rachel, the wife Jacob had adored.

Joseph warned his brothers that if they did not return to Egypt with Benjamin, they would not see his face again, meaning there would be no grain for sale. There are times when circumstances force us to trust God, because the alternative is to cringe in fear and doubt.  

A similar choice faced a man whose marriage had ended in divorce following a disastrous business adventure. He chose to face his mistakes and was determined to learn from a stunning failure. He believed most people would be compassionate and forgiving when sincere apologies were expressed. Most people do choose to forgive, for who hasn’t experienced failure. As we forgive others who have hurt us, God promises to forgive us.  

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But God’s mercy is so abundant, and his love for us is so great, that while we were spiritually dead in our disobedience, he brought us to life with Christ. It is by God’s grace that you have been saved.

~Ephesians 2:4-5 Good News Bible

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

~Mark 11:25 New International Version 

Never Too Late to Change - Part 3

The parable of the prodigal son portrays a father vigilantly waiting for his lost son to come home. When this wayward son came into view, the father ran to meet him. The Living Bible tells us the father was "filled with loving pity and ran to hug and kiss his son." This father never gave up on his independent, self-indulgent, defiant son.

This father had the right to be angry and hurt. He could have said, "You're a disgrace to the family. You're not welcome here so keep on walking. I will not rescue you from the mess you've made of your life." These words would portray a father who refused to trust or forgive his son for the pain and suffering he caused.

However this man had already forgiven his son since a father's love is not dependent on whether his children are successes or failures. The father's faith never lost sight of the young man's potential, so he could encourage him to live up to that potential. God encourages us to model the father's faith and choices to forgive and renew trust.

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Harmony at Home and Work - Part 3

Even in the most secure relationships it's possible to get your feelings hurt. This happens as attempts are made to reveal your true self. Hope relies on being known and accepted for who you are. Hope helps us to be vulnerable enough so another person can share the real person beneath the surface. Without hope, the true self stays undisclosed and isolated.

Intimate couples do hurt each other's feelings, but hurt feelings can be worked out with communication and forgiveness. Communication is more than discussing an issue. It includes a willingness to understand each other's strengths and weaknesses and to be protective of each other's vulnerabilities. When hurt feelings are given over to forgiveness, intimacy is strengthened.

Intimacy includes a willingness to communicate true beliefs and attitudes. This lays the groundwork for trust and respect to find a foothold. God honors truth and openness. Listen to  Psalm 56:11. "Teach me, Lord, what you want me to do and I will obey you faithfully." God never fails to act when we ask with an undivided heart.