To Manage Conflict, Communicate Kindness

Joseph, the favorite son of Jacob, was not protected from the conflict he had to endure with his older brothers. This conflict was just a sample of what he would face as a young man far away from home in Egypt. Conflict invades everyone's life, so it’s not a matter of choosing whether conflict will be experienced, but how it will be managed.

By the end of adolescence most people have developed a system for coping with conflict regardless of how healthy each person may be. This does not imply that change and growth are out of the question. Personality type and temperament along with parental role models influence how conflict will be managed and consequently its success or failure.

Through respectful communication and compassionate understanding, conflict can bring people closer together. Genesis 13 illustrates how Abraham successfully negotiated an end to conflict with his nephew Lot by giving Lot two positive alternatives. God gives wisdom for resolving conflicts to those who earnestly seek it. 

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Then Abram said to Lot, “We are relatives, and your men and my men shouldn’t be quarreling. So let’s separate. You go one way, and I’ll go the other.”

~Genesis 13:8-9 Good News Bible

My dear friends, you should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry. If you are angry, you cannot do any of the good things that God wants done.

~James 1:19-20 Contemporary English Version

Trust in Change to Bring Improvement - Part 3

The road to conflict is easy to find and travel on. Every individual seeks power in some fashion, and power paves the way for disagreements, arguments and fights. Power contributes to a sense of individuality and importance. The healthiest relationships have a distribution of power, with conflict kept manageable and within reason.

Ross Perot, a past presidential hopeful, said, “Power is wonderful and absolute power is absolutely wonderful.” A wise philosopher remarked, “He is most wonderful who has power over himself.” Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, given by God. It enables conflict to remain healthy and resolutions to be discovered that will enhance trust and intimacy.

The interesting aspect of power is that once it’s possessed, power is extremely difficult to give up. Jesus gave his disciples this challenge: “All power in heaven and earth has been given to me, therefore go everywhere and make disciples,” which means he gives us power to serve him wherever we are. May God bless and keep you within his care.  

Conflict: Deterrent or Encouragement to Change? - Part 3

Conflict can define a relationship. Conflict is about struggling for control to establish power and influence decision making. The very nature of conflict gives rise to the potential endangerment of a relationship’s safety and security. Regardless of how much individuals care for one another, disagreements can evolve into separation and alienation.

A man with custody of two young children married a woman who seemed to love and accept them. Yet he refused to let his new wife have much of a role in taking care of the children. The children, sensing their father’s protective role, refused to respond to their stepmother’s guidance, leaving her frustrated and hurt.

A change took place when the father became incapacitated, leaving the stepmother with the responsibility for the children. The father finally realized she was capable of loving and caring for his children. Trust and faith in her blossomed. When we see how God provides for our needs, faith and trust in his love and care become permanent.

Conflict: Deterrent or Encouragement to Change? - Part 1

The objective for desiring change can be to resolve conflicts created by unyielding points of view. Becoming comfortable with conflict seems improbable, but still it exists in relationships. A deterrent to change that often becomes a dead-end for relationships is growing contented with conflict. Yet most people long for a loving, fulfilling marriage and friendship.

Everyone experiences ambivalent, contrasting feelings which are simultaneously accompanied by contrasting thoughts. Someone might argue convincingly for an issue, then feel anxious about their argument. When conflict arises, anxiety can be a deterrent to resolution and change.

God’s word is clear about living in peace with everyone in as much as it is possible. Inner peace should be each believer’s objective, as God’s word indicates. “God will keep in perfect peace all those who trust in him, whose thoughts are fixed on him. Trust in the Lord God always for he is your strength.” This is the perfect means for change.

Endure: Don't Give In or Give Up - Part 1

Recently, I met a person who was experiencing intense conflict over office procedures and policies. What appeared to be a secondary issue, but turned out to be the primary issue, was this person’s fear of conflict and confrontation. He preferred to pout and internalize frustration rather than to be "up front" with the issues.

There are several ways to manage conflict. One is to endure in silence and become a helpless victim. A healthier way to manage is to be open and truthful, carefully explaining what you think and need. Then request the person's help and support for resolving problems. Change usually requires patience and endurance for appropriate change to become a reality.

Endurance displays character strengths. Endurance makes emotional and spiritual transformation possible. Character strengths come from believing the Lord God will use any situation to let you know he is interested in you and will give you strength to endure. You can love and trust him to faithfully keep his promises. 

Manage Conflict: Commit to Engage and Change - Part 3

Stress is inescapable. It meets us at work, at home, in traffic, and everywhere. How stress is managed is connected to our personality, education, training, and belief systems. People whose attitude is amenable to change and healthy challenge appear to have a healthier stress tolerance than those who rate low on these attributes.

I was impressed by a seventy-eight-year-old widow who decided she still had something to offer society. She set out to find a place for herself rather than stay home and rest, as her children advised her to do. She remains bright and spunky, capable of driving herself to exercise class, computer classes and several volunteer opportunities.

Significant is the renewal of her fellowship with Christ Jesus, including Bible study with other believers. Even at seventy-eight she's a model for self-control and self-determination. 2 Timothy 1:7 gives meaning and purpose to her. "For God did not give you a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self-control."  That defines a stress-buster.  

Manage Conflict: Commit to Engage and Change - Part 2

Couples get married believing they will live happily forever. When fantasy collides with reality, disillusionment can lead to despair. Disillusionment is created by failing to know and correctly understand another person. Couples ignore differences in each other's belief systems and personalities so that negotiating real differences will be based solely on each other's integrity and willingness to change to save the relationship.

The first wife of the architect Frank Lloyd Wright as well as his six children  gave up on him because he was unavailable, unengaged, and aloof. He had a type of resilience and hardness of character that made it impossible for him to be warm, loving, and involved as a father and husband.

Peter had a presumptuousness that had to be confronted. Jesus asked him: "Are you more than a friend? Do you love me unconditionally? Are you willing to step outside of your protective walls so you can love me completely?" Will you let Jesus choose you for his service?

Manage Conflict: Commit to Engage and Change - Part 1

A young man and woman in their late twenties, engaged to be married, decided to seek counseling before setting the wedding date. In the counselor's office, the future groom complained that his fiancée needed to discuss in minute detail every aspect of their wedding. She complained he would not talk about anything unless pushed to do so.

Conflict centered around communication styles and different needs. Trying to engage her fiancé in something other than surface talk created resistance, which caused the young woman to feel anxious and rejected. She, however, learned not to be put off by uncomfortable feelings. If important issues could not be resolved immediately, she learned to wait for a more opportune time.

Resilience is overcoming obstacles to reach an objective. When Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved him, he was seeking a commitment that Peter seemingly had trouble giving. Jesus was asking for more than a minimal commitment. He wanted Peter's complete loyalty, including his promise to be faithful. This is what Jesus is asking from us.  

Power Struggles: Choose to Step Back - Part 2

Power struggles seem to be a never-ending issue. Ingrained in human nature and empowered by self-centeredness and basic insecurity, the fire is fueled in the fight for dominance. There is, however, a healthy side to conflict, but it requires those involved to be willing to communicate openly and honestly so that practical resolutions can be discovered.

God gives us power to love, hate, repent, and forgive, but he holds us accountable for how we manage conflicts and disagreements. Benjamin Disraeli, a former prime minister of England, stated this truth: "All power is a trust, and we're accountable for its exercise." How power is exerted depends on maturity, feelings of security, and the capacity to love others.

We're created by God to be dependent in healthy, positive ways. Threats to that dependency create insecurity, which then encourages arguments. Choosing to change begins by entrusting yourself and others into God's care, which means to trust in the Lord for wisdom and to do as wisdom instructs. God then will give you the desires of your heart.

Power Struggles: Choose to Step Back - Part 1

Power struggles are common in relationships. Married couples sometimes fight over what seem to be insignificant matters. However on closer examination, the issue is, who rules what and how much? Grappling for position, salary, and privileges at work also is common practice. The end result can be serious conflict that damages relationships.

The father of a teenage daughter related how he became embroiled in a huge power struggle with her. Looking back, the issue that sparked the fire was minor. Some said it was basic adolescent rebellion striving for independence while others contended the father was too controlling and failed to trust her with what she was striving to obtain.

Stepping back from a power struggle permits you to consider Ephesians 3:17. "I pray that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have power to grasp how wide, long and deep is the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge." Trusting in the power of Christ's love gives you the ability to communicate with reason. This is a choice you can make.  

The Power of Patience: Taming the Temper - Part 3

The family is the most prized possession of a nation, for it provides a stabilizing force that's sustained by love, trust, and respect. Family members create a system of rules and boundaries for the distribution power and authority. Fair and healthy distribution of power provides contentment to the family unit. Successful management of power minimizes conflict.

Striving for power is a contributing factor to a family's demise. Power struggles come in many forms and often are observed at family gatherings. Jacob and Esau represent a classic struggle between siblings striving for power. Jacob outwits Esau for his birthright. Then Jacob and his mother conspire against Esau for their father's blessing.

Couples struggle for power by using money, sex, and children. Finding the appropriate balance of power, as intended by God, keeps a family healthy and together. God intended for family members to be subject to one another out of respect, love, and trust. Choosing God's way is the pathway to peace, joy, and blessings.

The Power of Patience: Taming the Temper - Part 2

Special family gatherings like Christmas or birthdays test our capacity to get along with others, even those we love. God creates us with the capacity not only to survive family gatherings, but to thrive and abound in love for each other. Deuteronomy 4:33 tells us how: "Walk in the way God has commanded so that you might prosper and prolong your days." You can do this with God's help.

To thrive in ways God intended, make a thorough examination of yourself and your lifestyle. Remember, your body is the temple of God. You may need to change some habits that are detrimental to your emotional and spiritual health. Do you live under too much stress, worry, and anxiety? Are changes needed?

Thriving includes seeking peace with God and others while there is time. Energies used in striving for power can be used to rebuild your emotional life, family life, and spiritual life. Listen to a choice St. Paul extends to you. "Let the mind of Christ Jesus be in you." This change is possible, so permit this choice be a first step for a new beginning. God bless you.  

Integrity: Aligning Actions with Words - Part 3

The reason for conflict is a clash of personality differences. Differences include how we communicate, what we believe to be true about each other, and what we need and want. We need to feel accepted, and likewise, we must accept others as they are and learn to love them for who they are. Respecting each other's integrity allows for individual differences and beliefs.

The alternative is frustration and emotional alienation, if not physical separation. This is where anger plays a major role. Fights, prompted by anger, are about who controls whom and what. Integrity is wounded when control becomes a major issue in a relationship. Anger then is an impediment to the health of a relationship.

An important choice you can make is to respect the integrity of others. That means respecting a person's right to be different. The alternative is conflict. You can choose to let conflict be the motivation for changing. God is described as being slow to anger, abounding in love, so He respects our integrity and appeals to us to follow his example.

Spiritual Integrity: Hope for the Family - Part 3

What does it take for the family to survive intact from all the troubles that are bound to surface? Family members will change, so wisdom and emotional energy are required to strengthen and hold the family together as it changes. The spiritual integrity of the family depends on parents' personal choices and what they model for their children.

The alternative is to avoid conflict and problems that are difficult to manage. It's an absolute necessity to believe the fact that the family is vulnerable to troubles, so taking time to evaluate priorities is a critical choice for strengthening the family. Few would argue that a successful career requires a constant investment of time and energy. Your time, skills and wisdom are a requirement for keeping your family together.

Prayer and determination are required for changing bad habits in the family system. The good news is that God stands ready to help by giving strength to the needy. Listen to Isaiah 12:2. "God is my savior; I will trust him and not be afraid. The Lord gives me strength and power." Hold fast to these promises.

Choosing a New Perspective - Part 1

Being chosen to be the love of someone's life is a wonderful experience, provided the feelings are mutual. Staying in love for a lifetime is the intention of most couples. Hardships come, but usually there is a balance of joy and sorrows that most marriages can tolerate. Troubles provide opportunities to develop a deeper closeness and sustaining partnership.

Choosing isolation is not easily reversed, but with God's help and determination, change is possible. I observed a couple challenge a long-standing stalemate by being honest with each other. The alternative would have been a relationship of detached co-existence and never getting to know each other.

Choosing intimacy over isolation is choosing to live within God's design for communications that reveals your needs, your feelings and who you've become. God will empower you to live within his design as you commit to taking this step toward honesty. Jesus said, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." God can heal a relationship when we're honest with him and others.  

Harmony at Home and Work - Part 3

Even in the most secure relationships it's possible to get your feelings hurt. This happens as attempts are made to reveal your true self. Hope relies on being known and accepted for who you are. Hope helps us to be vulnerable enough so another person can share the real person beneath the surface. Without hope, the true self stays undisclosed and isolated.

Intimate couples do hurt each other's feelings, but hurt feelings can be worked out with communication and forgiveness. Communication is more than discussing an issue. It includes a willingness to understand each other's strengths and weaknesses and to be protective of each other's vulnerabilities. When hurt feelings are given over to forgiveness, intimacy is strengthened.

Intimacy includes a willingness to communicate true beliefs and attitudes. This lays the groundwork for trust and respect to find a foothold. God honors truth and openness. Listen to  Psalm 56:11. "Teach me, Lord, what you want me to do and I will obey you faithfully." God never fails to act when we ask with an undivided heart.  

Harmony at Home and Work - Part 2

Most men and women begin a serious search for a life-long companion somewhere in their twenties. Finding the person of your dreams opens the gateway to knowing what it means to merge your life with someone you love. Intimacy occurs by getting to know and accept each other during the years you share together.

A difficult issue couples face is how to deal with hurt feelings caused by differences in each other's character and emotional makeup. Growing together is encouraged by realizing that differences in personalities can actually strengthen the bonds that bind a couple together. Someone noted, however, that we aren't very graceful about the failure to get our needs met.

It's impossible for another person to meet all your needs. Instead of letting frustration contaminate your relationship, accept your mate as you want to be accepted. God loves each of you with all your flaws. Trusting God to meet and satisfy your deeper needs that no other can meet is moving toward making choices for positive, godly change.

From Industry to Identity - Part 3

Adolescence can be an awesome experience for teenagers and parents. Viewing a child's being transformed into a teenager may create uneasiness within the parents as the child begins to require more freedom and privileges. For both the parent and teenager, this developmental stage opens up opportunities for making choices that promise change.

Decision-making power is needed for a teen to begin separating and assuming more responsibility. Becoming independent is required for finding significance and personal identity. Conflict is to be expected, but how it's managed portrays the emotional health of a parent and teenager. The adolescent years involve laying a foundation for identity formation.

To a young Jeremiah, God said, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." Think how encouraging  these words can be to anyone who personalizes them. Making choices with confidence is enhanced by knowing the Lord God is partnering with you to establish your identity.