Intimacy: The Power of Trust - Part 3

Martin Luther, the Catholic monk who pioneered the Protestant Reformation in the sixteenth century, told a group of young men whom he was mentoring not to consider marriage until they were at least thirty years of age. He believed it took this long for most men to mature enough to be for their wife and children something other than just the provider of their basic needs.

The more secure and settled a person's identity, the less likely power struggles will dominate a marriage relationship. Power struggles exist where one or both of the marriage partners feel diminished emotionally, intellectually, or physically. Where power struggles are present, the less intimacy, honesty, and closeness there will be in a marriage.

Power struggles are about striving for dominance over another person. Choosing to let go of control is choosing to trust, rather than to dominate. God's plan is for us to trust him rather than him forcing us to conform to his ways. Making choices for positive change means letting go of power struggles and becoming submissive to God and each other.  

Allowing Intimacy: Getting Close - Part 1

During adolescence, an inner yearning begins to evolve to meet and be accepted by a special member of the opposite sex. Do you remember your first love as a teenager? I realize the majority of adolescent love affairs do not endure the trials and tests of those years. The reason for most failed marriages of adolescents is the absence of a solid identity.

Intimacy depends on honesty and truthfulness. It relies on having enough self-confidence to be transparent so a significant other can know you for the person you are - warts and all. Failure to be truthful is indicative of deception that ultimately isolates you by fostering loneliness and preventing the closeness God intended.

Making choices for positive change includes trusting God, others, and yourself enough to begin opening up to what's on the inside of you. Being honest opens the door for a new person in Christ Jesus to emerge. The pathway to change can spring from accepting who you really are because that person is who God sees and loves.  

Identity Formation: Who Am I? - Part 3

With children, pretend is a wonderful game. Pretend is a natural escape into fantasy that not only aids in the passing of time, but is necessary for the development of healthy emotional growth. St. Paul  points out the validity of this natural development: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned as a child."

Unfortunately for some, pretend serves as a springboard for self-deception that endures beyond childhood. Self-deception can evolve into deceptive behavior designed to control and get what you want. Deceptive practices lead to flawed judgment that end with painful consequence. There are things worse than failure, and compromise with evil is one of them.

Listen to these wise words: "The choices you make dictate the life you lead." Making choices that change your life begins by replacing deception with God's truth. Deciding to forsake deception and face the truth isn't easy, but possible. God's word promises that when the truth is faced and accepted, you are then free.  

Identity Formation: Who Am I? - Part 2

God created order for all of life to follow. We as humans are first infants, then children, teenagers, and finally go on to adulthood. Adolescence is devoted to establishing an identity that expands for the rest of life. The more correct and true our identity foundation, the better our chances for building long-lasting, intimate relationships.

The more uncertainty about our identity, the more difficult it is to establish solid attachments. Where shallow attachment exists, there is a lack of closeness with another person. Healthy intimacy portrays a mutual balance in giving to and receiving from an intimate other. God's desire for us is to be dependent on him, not only for our identity, but for our belonging  and purpose.

Confessing to God who and what you are is scary, but necessary for changing and strengthening your sense of identity. Confession implies openness and vulnerability. Proverbs 28:13 offers these encouraging words, "Whoever confesses finds mercy." This is my hope and prayer for you.

Identity Formation: Who Am I? - Part 1

Identity formation is essential to every young person because it launches a direction for life. Every teenager identifies with what gives him or her a sense of self-certainty. Adolescents need to belong, and this is the appeal of youth gangs. Identifying with what seems strong and powerful helps overcome underlying self-doubt and uncertainty.

Jesus said to his disciples, "Follow me and I'll make you fishers of men." He promised to give them a positive identity and a healthy purpose. They would belong to a group where positive change takes place with confidence. Self-certainty comes in knowing you belong to Christ Jesus which helps resolve identity conflicts and crises.

With Christ Jesus change is possible regardless of past choices. Peter failed Jesus when the pressures of life overcame him, but Jesus  forgave and cleansed him from all his failures. He will restore you to fellowship as you confess and repent. New choices underscored by a clear sense of identity and purpose are available.  

Developing a Positive Identity - Part 3

One of my high school teachers was fond of reminding us of a truth  from English literature which designates a person's identity. Here it is: "What you are speaks so loudly I can't hear a word you say." Your identity includes so much more than words you speak. Choices that reflect your attitudes and the way you behave paint a clear picture of your character.

Jesus' parable of the prodigal son demonstrates how identity confusion leads to bad choices and ultimate despair. Out of despair the young man was able to see himself clearly and imagine what could be different. That's when he chose to change his life. So much time, energy, and resources were lost thinking he was something he was not. That's identity confusion.

Constructive change is possible by realizing the Lord Jesus can transform your circumstances, your inner self, and personal identity. God's desire is for you to reflect his character in the life you choose to live. This can be the distinguishing feature which clearly reflects your identity and what others see in you.  

Developing a Positive Identity - Part 2

Adolescence is often a blend of self-certainty and troubling confusion. Most children yearn to grow up and have more freedom, but freedom demands responsibility. For that reason it's not uncommon for teenagers to secretly yearn to return to just being a kid, where there wasn't so much responsibility and where the world seemed a safer place.

Most young people eventually get a grip on life that enables them to go forward and find where they belong. Fledgling self-certainty can be  strengthened by hope for the future and parents who encourage. A positive identity helps the adolescent separate and establish independence. Failure to do so indicates identity confusion and self-doubt.

If this is an issue, realize the Lord God is not the author of confusion. As you mature and become capable of managing what God delegates to your care, he provides clarity that conquers confusion. "Greater is he who is in you than he who is in the world." Choosing Christ Jesus gives assurance for a bright future that will be meaningful.  

Developing a Positive Identity - Part 1

On one occasion Jesus asked his disciples, "Who do people say I am?" The people misunderstood who Jesus was, but Peter said, "You are the Christ." As early as age twelve, Jesus understood his life's purpose. He told his mother, "I must be about my father's business." Some people inadvertently develop a negative rather than a positive identity.

The developmental task of adolescence is to begin cultivating a productive sense of who you are and what you can be. A positive self- perception evolves over time, but seeds are planted early on. It's crucial that a positive sense of identity be developed, for those who have a negative sense of self rarely acquire the peace and joy God intended.

Making constructive choices by laying a foundation that affects your identity begins by realizing you are God's creation and loved by him. Romans 8:17 proclaims you were created to be a co-heir with Jesus. As you visualize, internalize, and accept this promise, you're in a position to make choices that will be blessed by God.  

From Industry to Identity - Part 3

Adolescence can be an awesome experience for teenagers and parents. Viewing a child's being transformed into a teenager may create uneasiness within the parents as the child begins to require more freedom and privileges. For both the parent and teenager, this developmental stage opens up opportunities for making choices that promise change.

Decision-making power is needed for a teen to begin separating and assuming more responsibility. Becoming independent is required for finding significance and personal identity. Conflict is to be expected, but how it's managed portrays the emotional health of a parent and teenager. The adolescent years involve laying a foundation for identity formation.

To a young Jeremiah, God said, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." Think how encouraging  these words can be to anyone who personalizes them. Making choices with confidence is enhanced by knowing the Lord God is partnering with you to establish your identity.  

From Industry to Identity - Part 2

Children begin early fantasizing about what they would like to be when they grow up. Can you remember daydreaming and planning your future? As a young adolescent, I imagined myself being the pilot of a supersonic jet fighter. I did serve in the Air Force, but not as a pilot. However I eventually discovered what I could do with my life.

Finding meaning and purpose for life hinges on identity - how I see myself. The main developmental task of adolescence is to lay the groundwork for identity, the person I want to become, as the world of childhood is slowly left behind. For the Christian teenager, it's important to believe God is providing direction and purpose for life.

A crucial awareness, whatever your age, acknowledges that identity is determined by God and your own decisions. Listen to Genesis 1:26. "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness." Acknowledging you are made in God's image provides a solid basis for self-worth and personal destiny. This determines what you choose to do with your life.