Stubborn Honesty or Stubborn Pride? - Part 1

Finding a companion for marriage that lasts a lifetime is an endeavor that begins in late adolescence because God created us for attachment, commitment, and compatibility. Without compatibility, a rift develops that keeps closeness and intimacy in the shadows while creating an atmosphere for continuous power struggles. Intimacy based on trust and acceptance is out of step with power struggles.

Pretending to accept what is incompatible with your values is dishonesty and a refusal to face the truth. Honesty has the courage to verbalize your real self to others. Don't pretend to go along with behaviors just to get others to accept you. Dishonesty will come back to haunt you in the form of power struggles and possible abandonment.

Choosing honesty by disclosing what you know to be your authentic self is what God intends. You can trust God's word for help from Psalm 18:32. "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect." Believe me, God will make a way and a perfect time for you to express who you are. Honesty makes way for genuine intimacy and peace.

Intimacy: The Power of Trust - Part 2

Most adults by their late twenties have found an acceptable person of the opposite sex to marry. We need to be close - to be emotionally, spiritually, and physically attached. Emotional isolation is unnatural and not what God intended, but happens when hurt and angry feelings are mishandled and where healthy communication is absent.

Emotional isolation supplants or replaces intimacy and close attachments if fear of rejection has a strong history. Coupled with fear of rejection is a reluctance to trust others or oneself. Fear of rejection tied with the inability to trust blocks healthy intimacy from taking place. Fear of rejection often originates with distant or absent parents.

Choosing to love and be loved must be grounded in knowing you are lovable. God loves and accepts you as you are, with all your fears, doubts, and lack of trust. God's desire is to transform you into a person capable of intimacy and loving attachments. In Psalm 51, David asked God to "renew a right spirit" within him. Will you do that?  

Intimacy: The Power of Trust - Part 1

Most everyone leaves the safety and security of their parents' home by their late twenties. Adults of this age are faced with a difficult but common truth. "Life is not simple, nor completely predictable." Surprisingly, they accept that the world wasn't created just for their pleasure, yet they can choose to make life meaningful and purposeful.

Choosing to change is done by making a transition from a self-sufficiency mind-set to creating a partnership with a trusted intimate other. It's possible for a couple to have been married five to ten years, but have yet to establish an intimate partnership. Many obstacles can stand in the way, including parents, friends, a career, children, or even the church.

Choosing to change should begin by realizing that marriage links together two people capable of being best friends and ready to establish true intimacy. Love, trust, and respect form the foundation for intimacy that can survive the troubles inherent in every marriage. What seems to be impossible is possible for God when you, in faith and hope, turn to him for help.

Identity Formation: Who Am I? - Part 2

God created order for all of life to follow. We as humans are first infants, then children, teenagers, and finally go on to adulthood. Adolescence is devoted to establishing an identity that expands for the rest of life. The more correct and true our identity foundation, the better our chances for building long-lasting, intimate relationships.

The more uncertainty about our identity, the more difficult it is to establish solid attachments. Where shallow attachment exists, there is a lack of closeness with another person. Healthy intimacy portrays a mutual balance in giving to and receiving from an intimate other. God's desire for us is to be dependent on him, not only for our identity, but for our belonging  and purpose.

Confessing to God who and what you are is scary, but necessary for changing and strengthening your sense of identity. Confession implies openness and vulnerability. Proverbs 28:13 offers these encouraging words, "Whoever confesses finds mercy." This is my hope and prayer for you.