Conflict: Deterrent or Encouragement to Change? - Part 2

Isn’t it interesting how conflict and struggle seem to be pervasive in all areas of life? Most conflicts are resolvable by our being willing to clear the air and ease tension. With determination to communicate, we can discover solutions that restore peace, which ultimately provides confidence and hope for a relationship.

Persistent conflict tends to threaten intimacy and closeness, especially when discordant voices override each other. However, momentary feelings of compassion can arise to ease the tension so more conciliatory positions and solutions can be discussed. Having an attitude of acceptance rather than being locked into a grim standoff provides hope for solutions.

A willingness to modify one’s perception of a problem can be the beginning for constructive change to take place. Nicodemus had this experience when he met secretly at night with Jesus to ask straightforward questions. When God’s Spirit indwells the person, change is a reality that is transforming.  

Created for Relationship - Part 2

If you had to outline in specific terms what you expect from your current relationships, what would your list include? A child psychiatrist has emphasized the necessity for modeling kindness, which she believes has been ignored. She contends that teaching and demonstrating kindness is critical for sustaining healthy companionship.

Do you expect kindness from those with whom you share a relationship? How consciously aware are you of kindness you demonstrate? In a rushed world kindness can be a rare commodity, even to those you love. But what condition must be present in a person to insure expressions of kindness are possible?

Feelings of peace open the door for expressing kindness to others. Peace, love, and kindness fit snugly together, as Psalm 85:10 declares. "Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other." Can these be separated from kindness? Kindness seeps out from the depths of your heart and soul, for this is where God comes to meet you.

Choosing Persons or Power: It's Up to You - Part 3

Most young adults begin thinking about finding a partner of the opposite sex by creating a mental image of what this lifelong mate will be like. Maturity enables a more realistic ideal to emerge that permits love and friendship to thrive and endure. Immaturity sets the stage for continuous power struggles that strive to achieve what is impossible.

God conferred on humankind the potential for giving and receiving love. Yet this wonderful gift can be perverted by power struggles, which result in a "no win" situation. Striving for dominance and control is a barrier to giving and receiving love freely. God does not strive with us to insure that we give our love and loyalty to him.

Eliminating power struggles in the search for intimacy is a personal choice. Power struggles create vicious cycles, but by giving each other freedom to be him- or herself and by living within mutually set boundaries, an atmosphere is created whereby godly expectations can be met, allowing love to survive and grow strong.

Power Struggles: Choose to Step Back - Part 3

A good friend related a story about someone he had known all his life.  His friend left his job and family never to return. He described his friend as having a chink in his armor. This means a crack or narrow opening in his character that made him vulnerable to impulsive, hurtful decisions. Imperfections can result in disaster if we allow them to go unchecked.

Chinks in the armor permit power struggles to threaten a relationship because they're often expressed in defensive and protective behaviors. However God is faithful to provide ways to escape from succumbing to imperfections and unwanted consequences that may surely be disastrous for us and others.

How do you accomplish what might appear impossible? God's armor does not have chinks in it. Jesus withstood Satan's temptations with the armor of God's word. Then St. Paul instructs you to pray in the Spirit on every occasion. This means depending on the Holy Spirit to instruct and guide you. This is a choice only you can make, so be receptive to God's provisions.

Stubborn Honesty or Stubborn Pride? - Part 2

Change often doesn't come easy, even when it's for a godly purpose. When change requires making adjustments for ways to function in relationships, there seems to be a particularly stiff resistance. Stubbornness, to some extent, can work for your good but often serves as a detriment to happiness.

Stubbornness is most often perceived as being inflexible, but intimacy requires flexibility that's essential to feeling acceptable and loved. Stubbornness is designed to get your way and is therefore a controlling device, but it may isolate you from those who love you. Stubbornness even makes it difficult to hear God's voice because hearing God's voice will require you to make changes.

The Lord God in Psalm 81 has this to say. "But my people would not listen to me, nor submit to me. So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts to follow their own devices." Choosing to change begins by recognizing your stubborn heart. Letting it go can be the loving and accepting decision that opens the door for you to experience the true intimacy God intended.  

Harmony at Home and Work - Part 2

Most men and women begin a serious search for a life-long companion somewhere in their twenties. Finding the person of your dreams opens the gateway to knowing what it means to merge your life with someone you love. Intimacy occurs by getting to know and accept each other during the years you share together.

A difficult issue couples face is how to deal with hurt feelings caused by differences in each other's character and emotional makeup. Growing together is encouraged by realizing that differences in personalities can actually strengthen the bonds that bind a couple together. Someone noted, however, that we aren't very graceful about the failure to get our needs met.

It's impossible for another person to meet all your needs. Instead of letting frustration contaminate your relationship, accept your mate as you want to be accepted. God loves each of you with all your flaws. Trusting God to meet and satisfy your deeper needs that no other can meet is moving toward making choices for positive, godly change.

Harmony at Home and Work - Part 1

In our culture men and women in their twenties jump on a fast track that hopefully secures their place within a career field. To maintain a competitive edge, self-confidence and competence is a necessity. A paradox is that choosing a career as the solitary pathway to happiness with a commitment to do so often generates a disconnect from intimate others.

Inaugurating change includes honestly assessing your priorities. A job is important, for it contributes significantly to structuring your identity. However when elevated to the position of highest priority, a career may create distance from loved ones. Establishing a healthy balance demands a thorough examination of workplace expectations and personal values.

God intended for you to find meaning and purpose in work. He also designed you for relationships, for here you receive the physical, emotional, and spiritual nurturing that brings contentment. When your identity is anchored to Christ Jesus, continuous harmony between a career and intimate relationships can flow with confidence.  

Allowing Intimacy: Getting Close - Part 3

An early pioneer in the field of psychology observed two basic entities known as the pain and pleasure principle. I'm sure you would agree that most people try to avoid pain, and when it's felt, an all-out effort is exerted to find relief. Too much emotional pain caused by a significant other can lead to despair and often finds relief by creating distance.

What causes a couple to gravitate toward pain and despair? Differences in personalities, beliefs, and positions taken on issues are fertile grounds for hurt feelings, conflict, and misunderstanding. Ideally, pain caused by personal differences could lead to deeper closeness and intimacy when communication leads to understanding and is honored and accepted.

Positive change is possible when pain is viewed as a friendly messenger. Pain becomes the gateway to wisdom if permitted to do so. Job 6:25 proclaims: "How painful are honest words." If you can trust your inward pain to a loved one who hears and understands, a door opens to a deeper, more pleasurable intimate relationship.  

Allowing Intimacy: Getting Close - Part 2

Recently an elderly woman edging near despair made a startling statement. "I realize my whole life has been a sham!" She never intended to be deceptive, but now in the autumn of her years she's had no friends. Explaining further, she told of never permitting anyone get close. She had spent her whole life keeping others at a distance.

God created the family for each other. In his design, family members relate to one another with love, trust, and respect. This framework makes way for openness and honesty. This is not easy to accomplish, for it takes commitment, but the rewards far outweigh the loneliness and isolation of a life locked away from others and God.

No matter what your age, change is possible and can begin by taking a small step of faith to alter the way you live. The Lord Jesus Christ stands ready to help. Listen to Psalm 118:5-6. "In my anguish, I cried out to the Lord, and he answered me by setting me free. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid." May God bless you today.

Allowing Intimacy: Getting Close - Part 1

During adolescence, an inner yearning begins to evolve to meet and be accepted by a special member of the opposite sex. Do you remember your first love as a teenager? I realize the majority of adolescent love affairs do not endure the trials and tests of those years. The reason for most failed marriages of adolescents is the absence of a solid identity.

Intimacy depends on honesty and truthfulness. It relies on having enough self-confidence to be transparent so a significant other can know you for the person you are - warts and all. Failure to be truthful is indicative of deception that ultimately isolates you by fostering loneliness and preventing the closeness God intended.

Making choices for positive change includes trusting God, others, and yourself enough to begin opening up to what's on the inside of you. Being honest opens the door for a new person in Christ Jesus to emerge. The pathway to change can spring from accepting who you really are because that person is who God sees and loves.  

Identity Formation: Who Am I? - Part 2

God created order for all of life to follow. We as humans are first infants, then children, teenagers, and finally go on to adulthood. Adolescence is devoted to establishing an identity that expands for the rest of life. The more correct and true our identity foundation, the better our chances for building long-lasting, intimate relationships.

The more uncertainty about our identity, the more difficult it is to establish solid attachments. Where shallow attachment exists, there is a lack of closeness with another person. Healthy intimacy portrays a mutual balance in giving to and receiving from an intimate other. God's desire for us is to be dependent on him, not only for our identity, but for our belonging  and purpose.

Confessing to God who and what you are is scary, but necessary for changing and strengthening your sense of identity. Confession implies openness and vulnerability. Proverbs 28:13 offers these encouraging words, "Whoever confesses finds mercy." This is my hope and prayer for you.