What Are Effective Solutions to Anger?

Chronic anger and resentment give birth to cynicism, which reflects a negative appraisal of situations, people, and life in general. Cynicism produces the pessimistic view that people are not good and their objective is to inflict suffering on others. Cynicism erects walls that foster separation and alienation.

The longer cynicism is nurtured, the more intense it becomes and then evolves into lack of trust for those to whom it is directed. People whose relationships fail may develop a pessimistic attitude toward all relationships and prefer to be alone.

However, the core attribute of a believer’s faith is trust that God is at work to bring about his perfect will for you. 

So be quick to listen but slow to speak because anger does not achieve God’s righteous purpose for you. As you accept this truth, your trust in Christ Jesus produces certainty that with the Lord God, all things are possible.                      

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Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and] slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving]; for the [resentful, deep-seated] anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God [that standard of behavior which He requires from us].

~James 1:19-20 Amplified Bible

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To Manage Conflict, Communicate Kindness

Joseph, the favorite son of Jacob, was not protected from the conflict he had to endure with his older brothers. This conflict was just a sample of what he would face as a young man far away from home in Egypt. Conflict invades everyone's life, so it’s not a matter of choosing whether conflict will be experienced, but how it will be managed.

By the end of adolescence most people have developed a system for coping with conflict regardless of how healthy each person may be. This does not imply that change and growth are out of the question. Personality type and temperament along with parental role models influence how conflict will be managed and consequently its success or failure.

Through respectful communication and compassionate understanding, conflict can bring people closer together. Genesis 13 illustrates how Abraham successfully negotiated an end to conflict with his nephew Lot by giving Lot two positive alternatives. God gives wisdom for resolving conflicts to those who earnestly seek it. 

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Then Abram said to Lot, “We are relatives, and your men and my men shouldn’t be quarreling. So let’s separate. You go one way, and I’ll go the other.”

~Genesis 13:8-9 Good News Bible

My dear friends, you should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry. If you are angry, you cannot do any of the good things that God wants done.

~James 1:19-20 Contemporary English Version

Forgiveness – A Bridge Builder

Forgiveness is a bridge builder, yet forgiveness may appear so difficult that nothing could possibly heal the broken lives. Everyone who has harbored anger and bitterness knows the alienation and separation that accompany these feelings. The desire to forgive must accept being vulnerable to possible rejection.

Thank God rejection seldom happens, but it exists in those people whose objective is distance and isolation. Rejecting forgiveness may be present in those who refuse to trust and who use it as a means of wielding power over those who have caused pain. Lack of forgiveness can be as fierce as fire burning out of control.

Being unwilling to forgive can also be subtle like a simmering pot containing secret contents carefully hidden from the one who caused you pain and suffering. Fake smiles and friendly gestures may camouflage a lethal, angry attitude, yet with God’s mercy a bridge to forgiveness can be built. It's imperative to ask God to give you the desire to be forgiving.  

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Post this at all the intersections, dear friends. Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God’s righteousness doesn’t grow from human anger.

~James 1:19-20 The Message

Most important of all, you must sincerely love each other, because love wipes away many sins.

~1 Peter 4:8 Contemporary English Version

You Hurt My Feelings!

Anger is seldom experienced in isolation. What I've observed is that hurt feelings most often precede anger. What's it like to have your feelings hurt? Most people will not admit their feelings are hurt because it feels like a weakness. Can you imagine telling someone who was rude or disrespectful they hurt your feelings?

It's easier to allow hurt feelings to transform into anger. Hurt feelings portray vulnerability. Anger projects invincibility with a readiness to defend. Hurt feelings require comfort with soothing words while anger pushes others away. Anger projects harshness with eyes dilated and blazing, willing to fight.

God created us with the capacity to experience hurt and anger for our benefit. One way to manage anger is being able to accept that hurt feelings are a prelude to anger. Admitting hurt feelings is crucial to preventing anger from doing damage. God respects honesty and truth, and he will help you accept hurt feelings as an option to anger.