You Hurt My Feelings!

Anger is seldom experienced in isolation. What I've observed is that hurt feelings most often precede anger. What's it like to have your feelings hurt? Most people will not admit their feelings are hurt because it feels like a weakness. Can you imagine telling someone who was rude or disrespectful they hurt your feelings?

It's easier to allow hurt feelings to transform into anger. Hurt feelings portray vulnerability. Anger projects invincibility with a readiness to defend. Hurt feelings require comfort with soothing words while anger pushes others away. Anger projects harshness with eyes dilated and blazing, willing to fight.

God created us with the capacity to experience hurt and anger for our benefit. One way to manage anger is being able to accept that hurt feelings are a prelude to anger. Admitting hurt feelings is crucial to preventing anger from doing damage. God respects honesty and truth, and he will help you accept hurt feelings as an option to anger.

Avoid Anger's Message – Ask God

Anger and fear are close companions. Both deliver the same message, “Fight or take flight.” When the message is “fight”, it may mean stand your ground, take offensive action either physically or verbally. An immediate adrenaline rush gives strength, courage and the ability to think faster for defending and protecting oneself.

Anger’s message may be to “take flight” to avoid conflict and harm. Jacob ran away from his brother to escape Esau’s intention to kill him. Jacob was possibly resentful and angry with his mother for talking him into deceiving his brother. He possibly felt resentful of Esau for being his father's favorite.

While anger and fear are inescapable, both can be managed in healthy, productive ways to prevent harm and hurt from developing in relationships. The first step is to admit these feelings exist. Then ask God for wisdom so a safe and healthy resolution can be forthcoming. Ask God for courage to follow his will and plan.  

Change Is Coming...Embrace It! - Part 1

That pollution creates health problems is undeniable. While many world nations take steps to clean up the environment, others continue with disregard to pollute it. In same way, we pollute our mind and body with unhealthy habits, thinking patterns and relationships that transform us into something undesirable and out of compliance with God’s plan for us.

By our own choices combined with undesirable attitudes, we can be transformed into something unacceptable to God. For instance, permitting an attitude of anger to possess us can evolve into developing bitterness, hatred, major depression and unacceptable behaviors. Anger should not have control over our lives.

The desire for change and peace must come from within by the work of the Holy Spirit, whom we invited into our heart and soul. Peace can be achieved by being committed to this promise from Jesus: “Blessed are those who strive for peace because God calls them his children.” With empowerment from God himself, all things are possible.  

The Power of Patience: Taming the Temper - Part 1

During holidays and other special family gatherings, a quick temper can devastate the joyful spirit of family unity. Individuals and relationships suffer when tempers flare out of control. Lack of respect and trust diminishes for those who are quick to anger, and their attendance becomes undesirable. Personal safety may also become an issue.

A quick tempered person usually possesses a fragile ego-strength or ego-boundaries. A quick temper reflects a fear of loss of control over a situation, over another person, or within oneself. A quick temper is an effort to hide low self-esteem. A quick tempered person never acquires the control, love, or respect he or she desires.

Listen to Proverbs 15:18. "A hot tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel." You can control your temper by permitting God to empower you with patience. This is possible when you receive this gift, a fruit of the Spirit. The power of patience makes you acceptable and lovable. With God, all things are possible. 

Choosing Integrity for the Family and Beyond - Part 1

To feel anger is not a choice, but learning how to manage it constructively is a choice. Where love exists between a husband and wife, parent and child, or a deep friendship, frustration will sooner or later be experienced. Two people in a shared relationship have different views, needs, and desires, so the potential for frustration is certain.

To manage anger productively acknowledge the existence of frustration. Frustration is experienced when your rights are being violated or if your needs and  wants are being denied. If frustration is not dealt with on this basic primary level, then anger takes its place. Anger demands change because your integrity is jeopardized or put at risk.

To better manage your anger, ask, "Why am I angry?" Be honest. Letting unchecked anger fly diminishes integrity, but allowing others to express what they think and need enhances integrity. Jesus would not permit the anger of others to deter him from constructively expressing his own, as substantiated by Mark 3:5. Let Jesus be your help for all of life's problems.  

Managing Anger with Integrity - Part 3

Understanding the purpose of anger in everyday life and relationships is critical to sustaining a healthy integrity. The American Heritage Dictionary defines anger as a feeling of extreme displeasure, hostility, indignation, or exasperation toward someone or something. This could include feeling anguished, troubled, or distressed. David Mace said, "Anger is feeling displeasure toward a person or object with a desire to remove the cause."

Anger turned inward creates depression. However, anger can be healthy and helpful when used to correct a bad situation while concurrently saving your integrity from guilt and shame. Counseling can help anyone manage anger in an open, honest way without damaging relationships and integrity.

Mark 3:5 portrays Jesus expressing anger while taking positive actions to correct a situation which included healing a man's shriveled hand. Managing anger for healthy constructive good is choosing to change in ways that please and honor God.  

Managing Anger with Integrity - Part 2

Anger can be such an uncomfortable emotion that some people pretend it doesn't exist. Anger is often disguised or hidden, rather than acknowledged, since ownership could produce devastating repercussions. Internalizing anger can generate negative symptoms such as fatigue, depression, and anxiety. Sleep deprivation and poor anger management are often related.

While anger is an inescapable emotion, are you one of those who manage anger by internalizing it? Have you tried keeping track of how many times during one day you become frustrated, angry, or get your feelings hurt? Refusing to manage anger in an acceptable way can negatively affect your integrity, your sense of self, as well as your relationships.

God intended for anger to be felt and expressed, but expressed in ways that produce healthy, positive results. At stake is your integrity, so don't justify anger or blame others. By taking responsibility for what created your anger and  confessing it to God and others, your integrity will be enhanced. You then fulfill the scripture that instructs, "Be angry, but do not sin." 

Managing Anger with Integrity - Part 1

Anger is a predictable response to stressful or threatening situations. There are a number of people who believe anger is a sin when expressed in any form or for any reason. If allowed to become destructive and out of control, anger should be certified as sinful. Your integrity plays a major role in determining if anger is right or wrong, good or evil.

During the Exodus of God's people from Egypt, some were seduced into sexual immorality by an indigenous group of Moabites. Phinehas, a Jewish priest motivated by anger, took decisive action to end this sinful behavior. Then God said to Moses, "Phinehas has turned my anger away from Israel, for he is as devoted to protecting my honor as I am."

Numbers 25:11 illustrates how anger can be expressed for the right reason from the depths of one's integrity. Choosing to search the depths of your integrity before expressing anger is a safeguard against sin. When anger has gotten out of control, your integrity comes to the forefront to redirect your behavior in ways that honor and please God. 

Strengthening Your Integrity - Part 1

To believe all anger is wrong creates perpetual guilt. While anger may be frustrating, even destructive, normal anger can be healthy and helpful if properly channeled. Healthy expressions of anger take the initiative to correct what is wrong or unfair. Other healthy expressions of anger lead to the pursuit of knowledge and improved communications to clarify misunderstandings.

Our integrity is strengthened when anger is expressed in a non-accusatory way rather than as a means for harming and controlling others. Guilt is accrued when anger is used as a weapon against another person. Guilt will overshadow healthy integrity and eventually lead to despair.

Pursuing resolutions for anger enhances integrity. God calls us to follow his initiative in managing anger. Listen to Exodus 34:12: "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in faithfulness and love." Choose to shield your integrity with these attributes, for they will prevent guilt from getting a foothold and dominating your life.