Solutions for Conflict

Many families today are split up for numerous reasons including conflicts over selective lifestyles, recent graduations and employment, marriages and divorce, or hurt feelings that haven’t healed. Some family members just don't like each other. Witness Cain and Able, Jacob and Esau, the younger prodigal son and his older brother.

So what is a possible solution for these situations? Begin by asking yourself, is this what God expects of me? Depression may be linked to anger and bitterness turned inward with nowhere to go. Taking ownership and responsibility for family troubles is an important first step.

Releasing anger, hurt feelings, and resentment depends on a willingness to see your situation from God’s perspective. Realize that while forgiveness is ongoing, it eventually softens your heart toward others and yourself. While this is difficult, all things are possible with commitment and determination to do what God will bless. Ask God for courage to do your part.  

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Get rid of all bitter feelings, temper, anger, yelling, slander, and every way of hurting one another. Be kind to one another and tenderhearted, and forgive one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.

~Ephesians 4:31-32 Beck – New Testament in the Language of Today 

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Trustworthiness: Essential to Reconciliation

Making amends is usually a give-and-take affair between two people, with each person being equally responsible for the success of the effort. The one seeking to make amends must demonstrate humility and sincerity in addition to presenting an attitude of trustworthiness.

  

          The one receiving the offer of reconciliation is responsible for being receptive with humility and sincerity. Esau had every right to hesitate when Jacob attempted to make amends for cheating him out of his birthright and his father's blessing. Instead he reached out to Jacob with love and forgiveness because he saw trustworthiness in Jacob that could not be denied.

          Trustworthiness is essential when one seeks to make amends. For fellowship to be restored, the recipient is responsible for receiving it with an attitude of humility. Esau reached out to Jacob with the blessing of peace by giving him a hug and a kiss. This clearly opened the door for God to bless both brothers. What greater reward could there be for making amends? 

Fear Is Here! Flee or Face It?

There are two possible responses to fear. The first impulse is fleeing to escape being seriously hurt or, even worse, meeting your demise. The other response is to face fear with determination to resolve whatever is responsible for the conflict. When death seems eminent, getting your house in order becomes a priority.

 

When Jacob knew he had to face Esau, he was fearful this would be his last day to live. In his heart he knew he had to make amends for the sins he had committed against his brother. He also knew that whatever he did to make amends could never compensate for the suffering and pain he had levied against Esau.

Making amends attempts to repair broken relationships by apologizing for careless or intentional behavior and expressing heartfelt regret for having done so. Amends include replacing what was destroyed whenever possible. Sincerity of heart and mind demonstrates faith that God will bless your efforts. Sincerity activates God’s help. Can you do it?

Miracle of Love Required

When Esau heard the news Jacob was coming home, can you imagine his response? For twenty years Esau had suppressed his anger and hatred of Jacob. In every relationship, we’re faced with either establishing a loving, caring fellowship that’s fulfilling and rewarding or nurturing anger and hatred that moves against a person or group.

          From Esau’s perspective, Jacob could be facing payday for his sinful betrayal of his brother. Normal sibling rivalry includes competition, but with restraints that keep aggression within acceptable limits. Academic grades and sports are examples of people moving against others in competition, but within those acceptable limits.   

          When hate and anger become the driving force that moves people against others, love that may have existed previously is pushed aside. For Esau to change his mind about his brother would take a miracle. But when God’s love substitutes for hatred in a person’s life, it becomes apparent a transformation has taken place. It can happen to you!

Dysfunctionality and God's Oil of Joy

Jacob and Esau are an interesting study because in today's analysis, this family would be characterized as dysfunctional with codependency issues. Jacob and his mother betrayed his father to steal Esau’s blessing. Conferring this blessing was a prestigious occasion. By stealing Esau’s blessing, Jacob became an executor of the estate, including power of attorney with authority over all family members.

 

Esau’s anger quickly evolved into hatred. In this turmoil Esau became homicidal. If Jacob’s mother had not intervened, Esau would have killed his brother. How do you think Esau managed to control himself with all that internalized anger and hatred just waiting to explode on Jacob?

It is unquestionable that hatred is wrong and destructive. Psalm 45:7 enlightens us. “You love righteousness and hate wickedness. Therefore, you O God have placed us above the standards and ways of this world and anointed us with the oil of joy.” God’s oil of joy calms our nerves and soul. 

Leaving Home

Jacob grew up feeling a deep sense of attachment to his mother. His brother Esau was close to the father. We see this same dynamic in contemporary families even though the circumstances and culture are different. Personality and temperament can influence a child to identify with one parent, which gives the appearance of favoritism and paves the way for sibling rivalry.

Favoritism most often opens the door for self-centeredness. Self-centeredness can be so deliberately expressed, there can be no mistake identifying it. On the other hand, self-centeredness can be expressed so creatively, you may feel that person is doing you a favor by using you for their good.

Self-centeredness can be linked to feelings of fear and inadequacy, leaving a person believing if they look right, act right, these feelings will remain concealed. When we commit our deficiencies to Christ Jesus, they lose their power to control our lives. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Have you committed your life to Jesus? Why not do it now?

The Quest for Power and Position

The biblical account of Jacob and Esau outlines one person’s quest for power. Jacob’s plot to manipulate Esau into trading his birthright for a pot of soup was an attempt to gain a place of prominence in his family. Jacob needed power and was willing to be deceitful, disloyal and become a co-conspirator with his mother Rebekah to ensure he obtained it.

What he didn’t realize was that this drive for power and position would be an impediment to becoming the person God designed him to be. He would be driven by fear and a false sense of self that would get reinforced every time he used his manipulative skills to get what he wanted.

FEAR is a strong force in everyone and equal to our feelings of inadequacy. It would be decades before Jacob became conscious of his real weaknesses and was able to face them squarely. Only as fear is faced can a person evolve the character strengths God will use to do his work.  "With God, all things are possible."

Keeping Faith Alive

The biblical account of Jacob and Esau reflects our personality and behaviors. Esau believed in taking one day at a time while his brother Jacob was a man going somewhere with a definite attitude and purpose. He wanted power, position and control, so he persuaded a very hungry Esau to trade his birthright for a bowl of stew.

Most people will give food to someone genuinely hungry, but not Jacob. Evidently his value system did not intend for generosity to play a significant role in his life nor a belief that God would provide for his needs. His attitude was if he didn’t do things, they wouldn’t get done. Yet when we trust God to meet our needs, we feel secure.

When we’re bombarded by those eager to take from us all they can get, we're tempted to shut down generosity. Faith in Christ Jesus inspires giving to those in sincere need. James 2:17 warns that faith without good deeds is dead. Faith and generosity build a bridge to mutuality, giving to each other.

Loving Demands Sacrifice

When Esau traded his birthright for a bowl of soup, Genesis 25:34 tells us he then despised his birthright and looked at it with contempt, believing it was worthless. His attitude was a defense for acting impulsively to satisfy his immediate hunger. We’ve all been guilty of acting impulsively, then dealing with consequences that tend to linger on indefinitely.

A young man told of an incident where he met a colleague in a bar and after several drinks, took her home and spent the night. Later he began to loathe and despise the young woman. Looking at his own weakness was too difficult to manage. Esau’s attitude should have been loaded with shame and guilt for having been so careless.

Jacob could have acted toward his brother with love by giving him the soup. Esau might have responded by expressing his gratitude and appreciation for such a loving act. When you love, you give something of yourself, of what you possess, and you show what it means to be effective as a human being whom God has blessed. God commanded that we love one another. 

Choosing to Do What's Good and Right

The struggle between Jacob and Esau began early. Rebekah, their mother, complained to God about their rambunctious activity in her womb. After their birth Esau had the upper hand because he was the firstborn and physically stronger. Today he would enjoy being an all-around athlete. Jacob would be considered the studious, nerdy type.

Later Jacob would scheme to steal Esau’s birthright as firstborn. Jacob longed and waited for the right moment to move into action. He did not consider what was morally right or God’s plan and timing. He wanted what he wanted as soon as he could get it. Esau was impetuous and traded his birthright to Jacob for a bowl of soup.

Jacob believed by taking possession of Esau’s birthright, he would be set for life, a person of significance with power and prestige. He could never imagine the pain and suffering the future held in store for him. In truth, there is no substitute for being loved, and yet our blessings come from loving others as God loves us. 

Giving the Best Gift

Jacob and Esau, although twin brothers, were not emotionally close nor were they good friends. Jacob was a quiet, observing person who stayed close to the tent. Esau was a skilled hunter, robust by nature, who took from each day what was available. Jacob planned, was ready and eager to use his wits to reach his objective.

Genesis 25:34 notes how Jacob gave Esau some bread and lentil stew, but only after Esau agreed to trade his birthright for the stew. Why not give Esau the food with no strings attached? What kind of person takes advantage of his brother? For Jacob it was a deal too good to pass up, and besides, a good opportunity doesn’t come along every day.

Jacob didn’t love his brother enough to prevent this deplorable, manipulative act from taking place. He could have given Esau the food. Giving is an act of love and trust that strengthens the bond between the giver and the recipient. When you freely give, your competence to love others as God loves you is enhanced. 

Playing Favorites

It’s an awesome experience to know God's unconditional love as opposed to conditional love. What’s the difference? Conditional love requires approved behavior, meaning if you perform correctly you have approval and acceptance. If you do not meet this standard then you’re out of the circle of approval.  What does unconditional love mean to you?

Unconditional love means you do not have to be perfect to be approved, but that doesn’t give you a license to sin. Unconditional love builds a bridge to the desire to resist basic impulses while encouraging mature choices. Parental favoritism eliminates unconditional love because favoritism is filled with messages of conditional love.

Jacob and Esau grew up in a divided family. Jacob was Rebekah’s favorite and Esau was Isaac’s favorite. This dynamic set the stage for family members to be in permanent conflict. Unconditional love, as much as is humanly possible, pulls the family together by building a bridge to strong bonds that last a lifetime.  

An Unhealthy Alliance

Children are astute in observing parental responses to their personalities, behaviors and giftedness. A parent may give consent to unacceptable behavior knowing it builds a bridge to trouble. This dynamic existed between Rebekah and her favorite son Jacob. It was an unhealthy alliance that permitted Jacob to trade a bowl of soup for his brother Esau’s birthright.

 

You might side with Jacob and say Esau shouldn’t have been so stupid. That trade could be compared to swapping a four-year college education for a combo meal at a fast food restaurant. Anger and remorse are emotions felt toward oneself or others after an impulsive act, but Jacob apparently didn’t feel guilt or shame for his behavior.

Before the twins’ birth, God told Rebekah Jacob would rule over Esau, so she favored Jacob, which meant her love was stronger for him. This being the case, it had to have been obvious to both boys. God prefers parents love each child equally because his love is unconditional. Let us give thanks and praise to him for this wonderful blessing. 

From Regret to Redemption

Jacob was the son of Isaac and Rebekah. His twin brother Esau traded his birthright to Jacob for a bowl of soup. His rationale made perfect sense to him. “If I don’t get something to eat, I’m going to die! Then what good would my birthright be?” The pervasive aroma seeping from the soup was too tempting to resist.

Have you ever acted impulsively and had to live with never-ending regret? Jacob knew his brother, whom he feared somewhat but evidently knew he could manipulate. Manipulating others is a skill learned early in childhood. Siblings learn to manipulate each other sometimes with the parent’s blessings, especially when it’s perceived as being creative.

Jacob used his creative abilities to persuade Esau to trade his birthright for a quick meal, which was a dishonorable, unloving act. Jacob saw his character flaw as a positive skill that gave him an advantage. Remember, God does not close his eyes to sin, but will wait for sincere repentance and change which builds a bridge to integrity. 

Grabbing What You Want

Jacob was the twin son of Isaac and Rebekah. His name means grabber.  He was born holding on to the heel of his brother Esau which seemed to say, “Wait a minute! Don’t leave me behind.” Esau, as the firstborn, had exclusive birthright privileges, like a double portion of the inheritance.

Esau the hunter liked being outside. One day after Esau returned from a hunt feeling famished, tired and hungry, Jacob just happened to have a big pot of red stew ready to serve. As Esau came stumbling into the tent from his day’s work, he got a good whiff of the savory dish, which only intensified his hunger.

Jacob offered to trade Esau the pot of stew for his birthright, to which Esau promptly agreed. This trade would begin building a bridge of regret, anger, even hatred. Jacob wanted more out of life, expected more and devised ways to grab whatever he could. However, he left God out of his enterprises, which he would come to regret. Including Christ Jesus in your decisions brings blessings and favor.  

A Bridge to Identity

God creatively designs individuals to relate to others in ways that personally give them an identity. Jacob and Esau were not identical twins. Esau was born first, not a pink baby but red and hairy. Jacob came next, holding on to Esau’s heel. Jacob’s name means grabber, which would characterize him for life.

Esau grew up burly, strong and tall, an outdoors-man who loved to hunt and was his father’s favorite. Jacob stayed close to the tent. He was the quiet, reflective type and was his mother’s favorite. It’s obvious how favoritism laid the foundation for building the bridge that led to struggle and strife over power and control.

God’s plan and purpose are always good and solid because they build a bridge that withstands the troubles and strife that all will encounter. Jesus said his will and God his Father’s will were the same. He waited for God’s will even when it meant dying on the Cross. God gives patience and the will to endure when you ask him to do so.

Fostering Unity

The Genesis account of Jacob and Esau is a fascinating story. Their father Isaac pleaded with God to give his wife Rebekah a child, but she gave birth to twins. Before birth, they constantly struggled causing Rebekah cry out to God, “Why do you allow this constant torment? I can’t rest nor have peace. All this kicking, grabbing, pushing is beyond what I can tolerate.”

God’s assurance in Genesis 25:23 helped her endure until they were born: “The sons in your womb will become competitors, one being stronger than the other. The older shall be a servant of the younger.”  This meant the younger son would be more creative, quick-witted, but not physically stronger.

Parents want their children to be successful, balanced in their abilities to achieve. Sibling rivalry happens, so parents either escalate strife or defuse it by refusing to play favorites. Focus on God’s love, design and purpose for each child. Love each one equally to build a bridge to unity and peace. 

Creative Image-Bearers

Can you imagine God’s creating mankind in his own image, then giving them equipment to master the rest of creation? It’s hard to identify what it means personally to “Multiply, fill the earth and subdue it.” The thought of being a co-creator with God seems too awesome to ponder. Loss of confidence and GREED have the power to sidetrack our creative energies.

Greed encourages us to get what we deserve regardless of the cost to others. Greed eliminates sharing. Yet within most people is a struggle between being selfish and being creative for everyone’s benefit. The Bible gives many examples of creative, crafty people.

One such person was Jacob, who used deception to steal his brother Esau’s birthright. This is only one of many instances when Jacob used his God-given, creative abilities to deceive others, but God refused to give up on him.  As in Jacob’s case, God keeps nudging us to use our creativity for good purposes so he can bless us with his favor. 

The Power of Patience: Taming the Temper - Part 3

The family is the most prized possession of a nation, for it provides a stabilizing force that's sustained by love, trust, and respect. Family members create a system of rules and boundaries for the distribution power and authority. Fair and healthy distribution of power provides contentment to the family unit. Successful management of power minimizes conflict.

Striving for power is a contributing factor to a family's demise. Power struggles come in many forms and often are observed at family gatherings. Jacob and Esau represent a classic struggle between siblings striving for power. Jacob outwits Esau for his birthright. Then Jacob and his mother conspire against Esau for their father's blessing.

Couples struggle for power by using money, sex, and children. Finding the appropriate balance of power, as intended by God, keeps a family healthy and together. God intended for family members to be subject to one another out of respect, love, and trust. Choosing God's way is the pathway to peace, joy, and blessings.