When Is Anger Detrimental to Yourself or Your Relationships?

An important lesson to learn from Jonah’s life is anger has the power to determine a person’s fate in terms of deprivation or accomplishments. A life filled with bitterness diminishes joy and happiness. The sad truth about anger is it can become constant. 

Jonah permitted anger to deprive him of a joyful, peaceful fellowship with God. He refused to believe compassion was more acceptable to God than hatred. Jonah erupted into anger when God did not reign down death and destruction on Nineveh.

We see in Jonah the tendency to adapt a permanent attitude of anger so that it begins feels normal. God confronted Jonah with, “Do you have the right to be angry?” God challenged Jonah’s tendency to express anger toward him. Can you be angry with a person without hating them?  Anger dissipates when you view a situation from God’s perspective. 

God bless you.                       

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[Love] is not rude, is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 

~1 Corinthians 13: 5-8 Christian Standard Bible/New International Version

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What Happens When Forgiveness Isn't Permitted Expression?

Most parents teach their children to refrain from holding grudges against their siblings or friends, but letting go of hurt feelings is difficult. A grudge is similar to resentment and bitterness. Suppressing these feelings prevents reconciliation from taking place.

Reliving past injuries happens when acceptable solutions remain out of bounds. In truth, most individuals seek compensation from those who inflict physical or emotional harm by demanding their contrition, apologies, or that they make amends.

If a resolution seems impossible, then internalizing anger, disappointment, and sadness is inevitable. This leads periodically to reliving the past. God does not intend for his people to hold grudges, for they are the pathway to diminished happiness. 

Forgiving others makes it possible for God to create in you a clean heart. This is possible with God’s help and your permission. “Blessed are the peacemakers. God will call them his children.”                   

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But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

~Isaiah 53:5 New International Version

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What Weakens Emotional Ties Within Families?

It’s impossible to engage in relationships and escape experiencing conflict. In the worst case, conflict and strife fracture the ties that bind people together. The Bible in Genesis tells the story of Cain, who permitted strife and jealousy to escalate to the point where he murdered his brother, Abel.

God never intended for strife to become so out of bounds that it overshadows the bonds of loyalty. Escalation of arguments are an ill-faded attempt to close the emotional distance that is so threatening. What breaks the bond that binds a relationship together is loss of trust.

Essential to mending or repairing a relationship is the mutual desire to understand what is possible in terms of realistic expectations. Taking responsibility for being the cause or perpetuating conflict is essential to restoration. 

Search your heart and be open to the truth God longs to instill in you. It is possible for confession to bring forgiveness and peace.  

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Don’t turn away from God’s Spirit…Put everything to the test. Accept what is good and don’t have anything to do with evil.

~1 Thessalonians 5:19-22 Contemporary English Version

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How Can Fractured Relationships Be Repaired?

Children from every socioeconomic level experience fractured or broken relationships. These could range from conflict with a friend to losing a parent by divorce, separation, or death. Divorced parents remarry and move away so that visitation becomes sporadic or stops completely.

Repairing fractured or broken relationships is not easy. 

Mending and healing are dependent on the extent of the suffering experienced and the length of time these wounds have festered. What may be interpreted as minor to a parent can be major for a child.

A prerequisite to repairing a broken or wounded relationship is restoring commitment and loyalty. These are manifestations of trustworthiness. Listen to Proverbs 3:3: “Never let go of loyalty and faithfulness. Tie them around your neck and write them on your heart.” Ask God to help you be willing to forgive those who hurt you, for that is essential to God’s forgiving you.                     

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Whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity, and honor.

~Proverbs 21:21 New International Version

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scribe to the Attitudes Answers podcast on your favorite podcast platform to hear this and other 2-minute features 3 days every week. 

How Is Criticism Disconcerting for Loving Relationships?

Criticism can be disconcerting, especially when it comes from someone you trust and love. Criticism attacks a person verbally to force them to submit emotionally and mentally. The reason criticism is not effective is that negative attacks on character and integrity create resistance.

A person may purposely instigate an argument driven by anger or fear when the primary objective is to secure power that appears to be slipping away. Since everyone has imperfections, including the criticizer, fault-finding is an attempt to dominate and influence.

An alternative to criticism is healthy discussions on the distribution of responsibilities and accountability. It takes insight and maturity to resist responding negatively to criticism. Yet God will provide these when the motive is to be a peacemaker. “So be kind to one another, tenderhearted and forgiving each other, as God in Christ has forgiven you.” 

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Above all, keep earnestly loving each other, since love covers a multitude of sins.

~1 Peter 4:8 English Standard Version

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What Is the Root of Suspicion?

Have you noticed how secrecy gives birth to suspicion? Teenagers are known for keeping their thoughts and activities secret, which may cause parents to be concerned. Considering a person’s age, privacy should be respected except where suspicion and lack of trust are legitimate. Most individuals know instinctively when trust has been violated.

If privacy cannot be trusted, suspicion will rule the heart and mind. When suspicion is expressed in a belittling way, it will invariably create more secrecy. 

Suspicion creates anxiety that will eventually disappear when the truth is portrayed in straight-forward dialogue that is believable.

It’s important to prevent suspicion from getting out of hand. C. S. Lewis warns that suspicion creates what it suspects. Consider this truth: 'The mind can suspect deceit without good cause,' so be sure you know the truth. Listen to God’s word: “Trust in the Lord and do good … and he will give you the desires of your heart.”  

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Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.  

~Ephesians 4:32 The Message

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Does Compassion Equate to Kindness?

The subject of compassion is not openly discussed very often. When compared to expressions of anger or hatred, there’s no contest. Can you remember the last time you heard someone express compassion toward a person who hurt or betrayed them? Yet resentment or anger is easily detected after a betrayal because the pain is evident.

Compassion is alert to the weakness in those who inflict pain, but recognizing it does not mean overlooking or failing to address it. Compassion does not disregard or ignore the need for establishing boundaries within yourself on how much abuse is acceptable. Without those boundaries, resentment will soon replace compassion.

Compassion is a strength that prevents the Lord God from granting every wish and desire that you voice to him. His compassion and mercy give you grace and courage to face whatever is inappropriate for you. God’s compassion equates to his love, kindness, and forgiveness so be compassionate to others.  

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The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in compassion and lovingkindness.

~Psalm 103:8 The Amplified Bible

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Forgiveness by Steps

If forgiveness is to be successful, it's critically important to accept that it most often proceeds in graduated steps. However, God is not restricted by human limitations. He is capable of instant and complete forgiveness. We are not endowed with God's perfection, so forgiveness may be a bit more difficult to achieve.

When Joseph became aware of the need to forgive his brothers, he realized the consequence of refusing to do so. Therefore, the first step in forgiveness is be aware of what will be lost forever by failing to forgive. Joseph forgave his brothers because he wanted to see his father whom he had not seen for twenty years.

Failure to forgive may affect future losses that are difficult to imagine, such as coming to a juncture in life’s journey only to realize what a mistake it was to have been unforgiving. God intended for us to enjoy a sense of inner peace. That's why he commanded us to forgive others as he has forgiven us. Won’t you seek God’s forgiveness right now?  

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So they sent a message to Joseph: “Before our father died, he told us to ask you, ‘Please forgive the crime your brothers committed when they wronged you.’ Now please forgive us the wrong that we, the servants of your father’s God, have done.” Joseph cried when he received this message…

Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid; I can’t put myself in the place of God. You plotted evil against me, but God turned it into good…You have nothing to fear. I will take care of you and your children.” So he reassured them with kind words that touched their hearts.

~Genesis 50:16-21 Good News Bible

A Clean Sweep

How would you feel if someone in authority accused you of being deceitful and stealing when, in fact, you were innocent? Worse still, you knew you had no defense because your innocence could not be proven. This was the dilemma Joseph's brothers faced when they were accused of stealing from an Egyptian official who, unknown to them, was their brother Joseph.

Have you ever struggled with forgiving someone, especially a family member who was supposed to love and protect you but instead betrayed and abandoned you? Can you identify with Joseph’s struggle to seek revenge rather than to forgive his brothers who had sold him into slavery?

As Joseph stood before his brothers, he was overcome with compassion as he listened to them make their defense for Benjamin’s release from custody and explain how their father would react if he lost his youngest son. Forgiveness is necessary for healing the hurt, pain and sorrow of grief. A clean mind and spirit clear the way for a new beginning to become a reality. God delights in forgiving you and helping you achieve this objective. 

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For if you forgive others their shortcomings, your heavenly Father will forgive you, too.

~Matthew 6:14 Williams – New Testament in the Language of the People

If your brother ever sins, correct him; and if he’s sorry, forgive him.

~Luke 17:3 Beck – New Testament in the Language of Today

Be gentle with one another, sensitive; forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.

~Ephesians 4:32 The Message

Not Succeeding When Competing

The purpose of jealousy is to hold on desperately to what might be lost. Jealousy fears being overshadowed by a competitor and seen as insignificant. Even the slightest hint of jealousy indicates that negative perceptions of oneself have begun to set off a reactive chain of behaviors that will prove unproductive.   

  

          A young woman told how her sister and brother-in-law bought the most expensive home in her neighborhood. While one part of her brain was sincerely glad such good fortune had come to her sister, another part was envious, jealous and angry. These feelings of jealousy resurrected a competitiveness that had originated in childhood.  

          It's critical that you find godly ways to express wholesome and sincere generosity toward the one of whom you feel jealous. You can be generous by expressing love and affection as well as acts of goodness which demonstrate nobleness of character. As you allow the Holy Spirit to work and use these gifts in you, jealousy will eventually diminish.

Where Jealousy Festers, Reconciliation Is Required

The renowned anthropologist Margaret Mead described jealousy as a festering spot in every personality that includes a negative undesirable attitude. You would think a smart achieving person would not succumb to jealousy, but everyone has areas where superiority cannot overshadow feelings of inferiority.

A friend related how astonished she was by a family member’s jealous behavior that surfaced whenever she came to visit. This friend is intelligent, a good host capable of doing whatever it takes to avoid conflict. However, when her relative came to visit, happy times evaporated as spiteful barbs and jibes were expressed.

My friend decided to e-mail her relative seeking a resolution. She spelled out what she observed to be the issue. She encouraged her relative to give suggestions for a resolution. They agreed to work toward reconciliation and forgiveness. Patience and courage were required, but knowing God would honor and bless their efforts was encouraging.

Surrendering to the Savior

CONTROL is an issue every individual and family is forced to address. Control is sought directly, indirectly, passively or aggressively, and could involve a combination of any of these. This very day gang wars are fought to control a turf in our cities. Most control disputes are settled either by surrender and defeat or through negotiations.

The struggle for control in families can literally be a bridge to destruction. Control by harsh, demanding threats or physical abuse is usually a shallow victory that only reflects momentary compliance. Respect, honor and legitimate submissiveness are lost because the controller is no longer seen as trustworthy.

Control and healthy boundaries are a necessity in every social situation because of the need to establish order. However, honor and respect for others is the bridge for diminishing unnecessary control. God’s Word tells you to love one another, to be kind and gentle for this builds a bridge to healthy order in any relationship.