What Makes Internalized Anger Destructive?

Anger can be a driving force that seeks to correct what is wrong within a relationship and within oneself. It can be a source for destructive behavior leading to alienation. Internalized anger becomes a barrier to fellowship and intimacy by creating emotional distance. Internalized anger occurs by suppressing its expression.

Mistakes in perception create anger that can be sustained for a lifetime. The younger brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son came home needing support and help after sinking so low physically and emotionally that death was imminent. The older brother had zero tolerance for his brother’s mistakes and bad choices.

The older brother misjudged his father’s joy when his younger son returned safely home. He mistakenly perceived the father’s joy as rewarding his brother’s irresponsibility, while never having rewarded his hard work. God never overlooks sin but forgives where there is repentance and regret.                            

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If you are angry, don’t sin by nursing your grudge… – get over it quickly, for when you are angry you give a mighty foothold to the devil.

~Ephesians 4:26-27 The Living Bible

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Bridging a Communication Gap

I'm sure you've noticed that the more we acquire, the less time there is to enjoy loved ones and our possessions. The subtle loss of closeness should matter more than things we've acquired. Our tendency is to plod through life marginally in touch with ourselves and family, which invariably leads to a lapse in communication and intimacy.

Where there is a communication gap, negative thoughts and feelings tend to get a foothold. Anger surfaces over the infringement of rules and boundary. Fear reaches for a chokehold when our influence is threatened. The worst problem with the gravest consequence is the emotional distance these powerful emotions create.

Caring enough to communicate can be revived even after years of intimacy deprivation. Getting to know what’s important to each other is crucial to reconnecting. God approached Adam and Eve with love and patience. He challenged them onward to what was possible currently and in the future. The Lord God gives us the same challenge. 

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For God has not given us a spirit of cowardice, but a spirit of power and love and a sound mind.

~2 Timothy 1:7 Phillips – New Testament in Modern English

Therefore confess your sins, your offenses, to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous believer can accomplish much when put into action and made effective by God – it is dynamic and can have tremendous power.

~ James 5:16  Amplified Bible

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Avoid "Joy Stealers"

An outstanding attribute of a person’s identity is choosing to be a giver of joy. Do you consider yourself a “joy giver”? If not, giving joy could be an objective you begin to practice for the benefit of others and for yourself as well. To achieve this goal, confront any attitude that holds others at an emotional distance making joy-giving impossible.

 

Joy and a critical attitude are incompatible. To give joy, banish any semblance of criticism and negativity from your thoughts and feelings. These are “joy stealers”. Keep joy consistently in your thoughts by sharing it with others as opportunities arise. A rose isn’t an expression of love until it’s given with love.

Refuse to be preoccupied with resentment. Instead, present these thoughts and feelings to Christ Jesus, and he will empower you with enough grace to love others regardless of their offense. To increase your feelings of joy, continually express thanksgiving for what God has provided. Rejoice always in the love and mercy of Christ Jesus.  

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Don’t criticize and speak evil about each other, dear brothers [and sisters]. If you do, you will be fighting against God’s law of loving one another, declaring it is wrong. But your job is not to decide whether this law is right or wrong, but to obey it.

~James 4:11 The Living Bible

Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.

~Hebrews 12:14-15 New Living Translation

It is wise to be patient and show what you are like by forgiving others.

~Proverbs 19:11 Contemporary English Version

Trust: a Bridge from Conflict to Freedom

Unresolved conflict builds a bridge to emotional distance that separates those who love and cherish each other. Conflict most often centers on the issue of control. In some marriages the battle for control begins immediately, not necessarily an aggressive striving for control but perhaps a subtle, indirect effort to demonstrate power.

The attempt to gain power may remain activated indefinitely. This is especially true where a healthy balance of power remains unnegotiated. Freedom of choice is a God-given privilege, but conflict attempts to negate the right to choose. Even God gives each person the right to choose or reject his grace and mercy.

Conflict driven by greed, fear or insecurity strives to extinguish the right to choose. According to Proverbs 29:25, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." Establishing trust in God and others diminishes fear. Trust builds a bridge to freedom from the bondage of conflict.  

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Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.

Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!

~Proverbs 3:5-7 The Message

A Mile of Shoe Leather: The Gift of Empathy

Most individuals are able feel sorrow for someone who is in pain, especially a person who is known and loved. Feelings of empathy are basic to healthy, loving relationships. Empathy depends on the willingness to put yourself in someone else's place, to feel what they feel, including their moments of joy as well as their sorrow.

“Walk a mile in their shoes” is an old saying that personalizes empathy. Our hurried lifestyles don’t allow time to think about other people’s struggles or to delight in their happiness and joy. Then in the course of our hurried life we often offend those we love by neglect and emotional distance.

Forgiveness is essential for healthy relationships but may go unheeded until it’s too late. God's word tells us that Jesus empathizes with us because he knows our joys and sorrows. He, himself experienced the pain and sorrow of being rejected by the very ones he came to save. Empathy is a gift that makes forgiveness possible. 

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He (God) is like a father to us, tender and sympathetic to those who reverence him.

~Psalm 103:13 The Living Bible

When others are happy, be happy with them. If they are sad, share their sorrow.

~Romans 12:15 The Living Bible

Do for others just what you want them to do for you.

~ Luke 6:31 Good News Bible