Playing the Blame Game

One of the most important features of maturity is the quality of character that accepts personal failure instead of blaming others or some inanimate object. When a marriage fails, a predictable response is to blame a former spouse, relatives or anyone who interfered with the peace and stability of the marriage.

 
 

Each person must ask, "What did I fail to do or deliberately do that caused the relationship to fail?" When Samson’s marriage failed, his response was to seek revenge. Sorrows overshadowed by rage prevented him from taking responsibility for the failed marriage. Passion for revenge and false pride concealed his immaturity.  

Getting even with those he blamed for his humiliation clearly defined his mental and spiritual state. When anger reaches this intensity, listening to rational voices from God and others is essential. Should this be your experience, go to God's word or perhaps a Christian counselor for understanding and wisdom. Force yourself to apply the alternatives to anger and hate that you will discover.  

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For we are each responsible for our own conduct.

~Galatians 6:5 New Living Translation

 

If you don’t confess your sins, you will be a failure. But God will be merciful if you confess your sins and give them up. The Lord blesses everyone who is afraid to do evil, but if you are cruel, you will end up in trouble.

~Proverbs 28:13-14 Contemporary English Version

For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, inspired by the devil. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure and full of quiet gentleness. Then it is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others.

~James 3:15,17 The Living Bible

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Relationships: Build Them Up or Tear Them Down

A marriage relationship is one of God's most precious gifts designed to provide love and affection, sexual fulfillment, a sense of commitment and belonging as well as an opportunity to explore the deeper complexities of our humanity. Our passions play an interesting role in either establishing and maintaining a relationship or causing the disintegration and unraveling of the very fiber that holds it together.

We observe this pattern in Samson’s life when he found a young woman to marry. His parents arranged their marriage, but his impulsivity and bent for mischievousness created a fiasco that doomed the marriage before it began.

Samson's personality lent itself to blaming others for his failures. He justified his enraged behavior by believing others were responsible for his pain and suffering. Sampson's passion prevented him from seeking the Lord God for wisdom and guidance. No matter how desperate your situation appears, nothing is impossible for God Almighty nor beyond his willingness to help.  

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The Lord hates people who do evil, but he takes righteous people into his confidence.

The Lord puts a curse on the homes of the wicked, but he blesses the homes of the righteous.

~Proverbs 3:32-33 Good News Bible

Own Your Own Problems

Marital conflicts may initially appear to be the most difficult kinds of conflict to resolve. Quarrels over sex, finances, extended family issues and lack of time for children emerge as major causes of dissatisfaction within the marital relationship. When communication fails to achieve positive results, about forty percent of married couples opt for divorce.

Much to the dismay of those in second marriages, similar conflicts begin to sabotage the new relationship. Searching for solutions within each person rather than the relationship may be the best option. Taking ownership of one’s own problems and seeking outside help rather than blaming others may save the marriage.

Personal counseling requires patience and an attitude determined to correct what is discovered. Realize it takes time to heal from wounds created in past relationships. Jesus encourages all who are weary to come to him for guidance and healing. He invites you to take up his yoke and learn from him how to find rest for your soul.  

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But what about the feuds and struggles that exist among you – where do you suppose they come from? Can’t you see that they arise from conflicting desires for pleasure within yourselves?

You crave for something and don’t get it; you are murderously jealous of what you can’t possess yourselves; you struggle and fight with one another.

You don’t get what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And when you do ask, he doesn’t give it to you, for you ask in quite the wrong spirit – you only want to satisfy your own desires.

~James 4:1-3 Phillips – New Testament in Modern English

Take my yoke on you and learn from Me

 – I am gentle and humble-minded –

Then you will find your rest.

~Matthew 11:29 Beck – New Testament in the Language of Today

Fill in the Blank: "_______ Made Me Do It!"

TV news consistently reports on individuals who have violently acted out against others. Statements like, "I was angry," are given as an excuse for acts of aggression. However, there are no rationalizations that excuse unacceptable behavior. Everyone will want to blame others when they fail to live up to what's expected.

The comedian Flip Wilson is remembered for his infamous line, "The devil made me do it!" Even if it were true, we're still held accountable for submitting to temptation. As the day of reckoning approaches, everyone must assume responsibility for their choices or else it will be impossible to receive forgiveness.

 

It's at this juncture where the virtue of courage plays a major role in facing responsibility. What Jesus said in Matthew 14:27 to his disciples, he says to us when we’re stressed out or afraid: "Take courage, it is I. Don’t be afraid." Keeping Jesus as the center of your focus gives courage to face what is fearful and difficult.  

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O loving and kind God, have mercy. Have pity upon me and take away the awful stain of my transgressions. Oh, wash me, cleanse me from this guilt. Let me be pure again. For I admit my shameful deed – it haunts me day and night.

~Psalm 51:1-3 The Living Bible

The Lord is not slow about his promise, in the sense in which some think about slowness, but he is really dealing patiently with you, because he is not willing for any to perish but for all to have an opportunity to repent.

~2 Peter 3:9 Williams – New Testament in the Language of the People

Facing God's Reality

When it was time for Jacob to return to his homeland, he packed up and left his father-in-law’s home by making a hasty retreat in the middle of the night. Jacob feared his father-in-law, who was self-centered, controlling and manipulative. Leah and Rachel could not trust their father to be fair and respectful.

  

When Laban heard of their departure, he was sad and angry. He had been outwitted, deceived and abandoned. Laban refused to ask himself, "What did I do to cause this response from my daughters and son-in-law?" Self-examination is crucial to healthy relationships. Lamentations 3:40 advises, "Let us examine our ways and test them."

Refusal to engage in self-examination leads to blaming others for our pain and problems. After learning of Jacob’s departure, Laban set out to bring them back, but God had other plans. Laban had to face reality. He had lost control of Jacob and his family. Now he was forced to face himself and the reality of God’s power, mercy and love.

Navigating the Path of Change - Part 2

Identifying problems that need change is relatively easy, but developing a strategy for change can be difficult, if not overwhelming. A well informed twenty-year-old confided, “I know change is needed, but making it happen escapes me.” A basic first step is clearly defining the problem in practical, concrete terms.

Clearly identifying solutions involves clearing away our first thoughts and impressions. Blaming others for hurt, pain and failure block our ability to see how issues are perpetuated by our mindset and behaviors. Blaming others for problems we face is normal, but healing only occurs as we acknowledge our complicity in the problems.

Developing patience for change occurs as God extends to you his tolerance and wisdom. You must commit to using what he gives in ways that comply with his plan and purpose. Proverbs 19:2 offers this advice: “Enthusiasm without knowledge is not helpful,” so wait and listen to what God puts in your heart and mind.

Rewriting Your Life Script? Set Boundaries - Part 1

Blaming others for our troubles and hardships is often a first line of defense. Accusations range from absurd to ridiculous and on to laughable. You’ve heard the story of the student who didn't do his homework. When the teacher asked him to produce it, he excused himself by blaming his dog, whom he accused of eating it.

Blame is a form of deception that tries to hide our inadequacies. Blame attempts to make something or someone responsible for our own bad choices. In reality, it's an effort to sidestep accountability by refusing to be submissive to the truth. Believing that if you escape the immediate consequences of a bad choice, you will escape them indefinitely, simply isn't true.

Learning to set boundaries on blaming others and to accept responsibility for your decisions a critical choice. God directs us to confess our sin and failures, for through confession, we override the impulse to blame others. The old adage of confession being good for your soul has viability. Confession paves the way for an honest relationship with God and others.  

Facing the Giants of Life - Part 2

In life’s journey, cruel, bad things happen to good people because evil exists in the hearts and minds of those whose mission is to harm others. Justifiable punishment is right for those who perpetrate evil on the undeserving. Blaming others for our lack of achievement and failing to be accountable is often a defense for lack of courage and faith.

The majority of the men whom Moses sent to survey the land God promised believed Israel was incapable of taking it from the giants who possessed it. Listen to their exaggerated analysis. "The people living there are powerful giants and their cities are fortified and well defended." They believed God was incapable helping them, so they exaggerated the obstructions.

They blamed God for placing impossible barriers in their way and believed death awaited them if they engaged the giants who possess the land. They failed to trust in God's provision and protection. Whatever you’re facing, believe "you can do all things through Christ who will empower you to do what appears impossible."