What Lie Do Perpetrators of Family Violence Believe?

One explanation for violence in the home is feelings of inferiority in the offenders. Anything that threatens to expose these feelings is often met with anger that transforms into aggression. Aggressive acts of family violence are actually attempts to cover fear of loss of control and power.

For most people, authority is made obvious by the person’s natural gifts and talents, their leadership skills as well as being someone who can be trusted and respected. Feelings of inferiority are identified by low self-esteem, low self-worth, not measuring up, and fear of being subordinate to others.

The perpetrator of family violence may or may not recognize these markers. The big lie is, “I am strong and I will prove it through anger and violence.” Proverbs 4 gives this advice: “Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.” You can change the lies you tell yourself by substituting the truth of God’s word.

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This is what the Lord says: “Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches, but let the one who boasts boast about this: that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,” declares the Lord.

~Jeremiah 9:23-24 New International Version

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What Lie Is Associated with Family Violence?

What causes domestic violence in some families, while most avoid this horrifying experience? For those subjected to this violence, one or more family members are unable to tolerate the pressure of daily life which consists of finances, childcare, the abuse of alcohol and drugs, and mental and emotional disorders within the family.

The lie associated with family violence is hostility, seen as the only way to manage strife and lack of control created by the inferiority feelings of the offender. Psychologist Alfred Adler concluded, “The greater the feelings of inferiority, the more violent the emotional confrontation.”

Shamelessly facing inferiority will help reduce home aggression. Change is possible by submitting to the power of God to provide courage to face the truth. 

The cleansing, healing power of Christ Jesus creates in the violent offender a new person made strong by God’s grace and truth.

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You are living a brand new kind of life that is continually learning more and more of what is right, and trying constantly to be more and more like Christ who created this new life within you.

~Colossians 3:10 The Living Bible

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What Makes a Lie Believable?

Domestic violence exists because those who perpetrate it are convinced there is no other way to maintained their power. Alexander Solzhenitsyn said, “Violence does not exist by itself; it is invariably intertwined with a lie.” That lie is based on what the perpetrator believes to be true.

Stress and anxiety are created by what a person thinks and believes, regardless of the facts. Self-deception is a lie, so violence is dependent on distorted views that destroy relationships. Failure in communication can be responsible for faulty beliefs about a situation, oneself, and others.

The religious leaders of Jesus’ day believed they would lose their power if Jesus continued to live. So their solution was to kill him. One generation later, Israel was destroyed as a consequence of faulty beliefs. 

How do you find out the truth? Humble yourself before God in prayer and he will show you the truth.  

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“And I tell you this, that you must give account on Judgement Day for every idol word you speak. Your words now reflect your fate then: either you will be justified by them or you will be condemned.”

~Matthew 12:36-37 The Living Bible

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What Drives the Need for Violence?

Domestic violence is so pervasive, it’s a main topic for the evening news. in addition to child and spousal abuse, domestic abuse includes ex-spouses, siblings, and in-laws. Violence creates distrust that may never be restored. It changes the family from a place of security and safety to one of fear and anxiety.

Violence creates victims, whether they’re a woman, man, adolescent or child. A clear example of this is seen when an older sibling physically and emotionally abuses a younger sibling because the younger sibling has threatened the other’s intelligence and identity.

A person resorts to violence out of a feeling of failure to measure up, yet the Lord God gives a healthy sense of power and identity to all persons who put their faith and trust in him. 

Jesus heals the broken-hearted and repairs the crushed spirit through his love and forgiveness. Complete healing by Christ alone will eradicate the need for violence. 

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You, O Lord, have looked deep in my heart, and you know all about me. You notice everything I do and everywhere I go.

~Psalm 139:1,3 Contemporary English Version

 

God, create a clean heart in me and renew a right attitude within me…and let a willing attitude control me. Then I will teach transgressors you ways…

~Psalm 51:10,12-13 International Standard Version

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Why Does Violence Rarely Achieve Respect?

Domestic violence is not easy to discuss because it’s so shameful and degrading. The media in the past has focused on men as offenders, but women are currently gaining notoriety. The objective of domestic violence is to establish control through acts of physical aggression.

I once observed a mother of three young children threatening to slap their faces for misbehaving. In frustration she slapped each one with enough force to stun the child. Her use of physical aggression provided momentary control but failed to teach enforceable boundaries her children would honor.

While aggression may furnish a temporary means for exerting dominance and control, it rarely achieves respect and approval. Violence demonstrates a deeper level of impotence and powerlessness. Proverbs 16:32 has this advice: “It is better to be patient than powerful.” Patience is gained by being constant in prayer. 

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I offer you my heart, Lord God, and I trust you. …I always look to you, because you rescue me from every trap. …My awful worries keep growing. Rescue me from this sadness. 

~Psalm 25:1,15,17 Contemporary English Version

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What Defines Emotional Abuse?

Family life does not continually serve up happiness and joy, for no aspect of life is free of stress. Fortunately, moral and spiritual boundaries may prevent stress from evolving into physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. It’s apparent, however, that strife and violence in some families occur frequently.

Beyond physical and sexual abuse is emotional abuse, which consists of accusations, name-calling, withdrawal of affection and love, and physical abandonment. Bullying and threatening others by use of physical abuse is not what God intended, for it is the opposite of love and respect.

Curtailing emotional abuse is possible when there is a willingness to face the truth of its occurrence. Exposing guilt and shame to the light of God’s healing power is a necessity for healing. So remember that the Lord God is your source for courage and strength as you to seek healing for your body, mind and spirit. 

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My help will come from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

~Psalm 121:2 Good News Bible

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Does God Provide Cleansing from Sexual Abuse?

God designed the family to bring stability to each person and to society. He planned for love and affection as well as safety and security to dominate. Regrettably, stress and trauma created by violence in the family diminish or destroy the trust and security God intended.

Exposing children to sexually explicit material and activity fits the definition of sexual abuse. Symptoms of sexual abuse may be observed when the victim avoids individuals that remind them of past experiences. These include being vulnerable to places where abuse previously occurred.

Hope for healing comes from talking to a trustworthy person who has the capacity to understand, to comfort, to challenge and listen without passing judgment or creating guilt. God cannot be embarrassed or made to feel ashamed by what has happened to you, so he is able to bring refreshing cleansing to the body, soul, and spirit. 

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Dear friend, do not be bewildered or surprised when you go through fiery trials, for this is no strange, unusual thing that is going to happen to you. Instead be glad because these trials will make you partners with Christ Jesus in his suffering and afterwards you will have the wonderful joy of sharing his glory.

~1 Peter 4:12-13 The Living Bible

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In What Ways Are You Dependent on God's Protection?

A primary source of stress and trauma is in the home, where safety and security should be the primary stabilizing influence. Books, television, newspapers, and magazines have shown that violence permeates every strata of culture, creating stress and trauma in its path.

Domestic violence includes physical, psychological, and sexual abuse. Try to imagine the trauma each person experiences when exposed to the destructive force of violence in the home. The offender’s self-respect and integrity are destroyed, while trust for what should be a safe place is lost for the offended.

God never approves of family violence yet promises to be a shelter for those seeking him in the midst of the storm. Psalm 46:1 assures, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore I will not fear though the earth should tremble and the mountains tumble into the  sea.” 

Trust God to send his help.  

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The [godly,] righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

~Psalm 34:19 New Living Translation

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What Helps Relieve Tension Created by Stress?

No one is exempt from stress, regardless of economics, social status, or profession. All the uncertainties of life can never be completely erased. Fortunately, most individuals are able to adjust and accept an imperfect career, employer and colleagues, and even an imperfect family.

Suddenly being laid off or fired can be a traumatic experience, not only for the employee, but for the entire family. Although stress is not pleasant to discuss, talking about it frankly can surprisingly relieve some of the pressure, provided there is enough combined wisdom and insight to make needed changes.

2 Corinthians 4:8 provides encouragement: “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed.” The reason is that we have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ – faith which is a treasured resource for help in days of trouble. When trust and hope are present, managing stress is possible.

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These things I have spoken to you that you might have peace of mind and heart. In this world you will have many trials and sorrows but be encouraged for I have overcome the world.

~John 16:33 The Living Bible

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What Two Features of Communication Encourage Healing?

The dictionary defines trauma as a distressing experience that’s caused by severe emotional shock resulting in ongoing psychological distress. Response to trauma could include helpless feelings of stress or grief which resurface when events are re-experienced in dreams and invasive memories.

Trauma can have a negative effect on relationships by creating feelings of detachment, which are symptoms of continuing stress. Children who undergo trauma are often overlooked until behavioral changes require  attention. The inability to focus on schoolwork or acting-out in class are red flag behaviors.

God gave children the capacity to talk through issues and feelings when they feel safe and secure. Our job is to listen and understand. Safety and security are essential necessities for trust to develop so communication can take place. 

Staying in touch with God through prayer and worship help families heal and stay together.  

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Then God came and stood before him exactly as before, calling out, “Samuel! Samuel!” Samuel answered, “Speak. I’m your servant, ready to listen.”

~1 Samuel 3:10 The Message

 

“I, yes I, am the one who comforts you.”

~Isaiah 51:12 New Living Translation

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What Part Do Memories Play in Perpetuating Stress?

While stress is motivation for making needed changes, it can also fuel emotional outbursts and provide distractions for completing personal tasks. Ernest Hemingway was wounded in both legs during World War I and spent a month in a military hospital recovering. Years later, nightmares about that event still ruled his sleep.

The significance of trauma, regardless of its source, is ongoing related stress. Stress may show up as delayed grief over important losses associated with trauma. Trauma can be thought of as a wound or injury so shocking and emotionally disturbing that complete recovery seems never to be forthcoming.

Trust God to keep his promises to be present as a source of comfort for you when life’s sorrows and grief surface. Keep in mind that grief is God’s way for helping you heal as well as being an appropriate means to manage stress that is a normal part of life. Remember God loves you.                            

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Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal comfort and a wonderful hope, comfort you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say.

~2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 New Living Translation

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What Is the Purpose of Placating Others?

Stress has the potentiality of becoming toxic to the human spirit and relationships. Some people believe the only way to manage stress is by placating, which means giving in rather than being confrontive where conflict is a possibility. The goal of placating is to please others so conflict can be avoided.

It’s not whether conflict or stress exists, but how they are managed. Most people placate others at times to reduce normal stress. However, there is an essential difference between pleasing others out of love and affection and pleasing to avoid conflict. Placating just to avoid conflict chips away at your integrity and self-respect.

Jesus rarely placated others who sought out conflict with him, nor did he attack those looking for conflict. Rather, Jesus met conflict in an intelligible manner by discussing issues, pointing out the truth from God’s word, and providing answers to tough questions. You can incorporate Jesus’ example into your life.

     

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[Jesus answered the Jewish authorities,] I am not looking for human praise ... You like to receive praise from one another, but you do not try to win praise from the one who alone is God; how, then, can you believe me?”

~John 5:41,44 Good News Bible

 

Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, ... You have the words that give eternal life." 

~John 6:68 Good News Bible

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What Can Give You a Clear Conscience?

Stress and anxiety often parallel each other. Can you imagine the stress and anxiety Adam and Eve felt realizing they had triggered God’s disfavor? They immediately went into hiding. Here is the first account of a lapse in judgment and bad choices that resulted in a clash with God’s rules.

Anxiety creates a "fight or flight" reaction. Adam and Eve chose flight by trying to hide from God’s response to their disobedience. Imagine their anxiety and shame as they tried to hide from God. To their credit, they came out to face him, which eventually reduced their stress and fear.

God explained the future for Adam and Eve, and they accepted. All human beings are subject to moral failure by disregarding his boundaries and what is acceptable to him. Yet God comes looking for you and will never fail to find you. God will give you the essentials to help your recovery so you can have a new beginning and a clear conscience.  

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You will never succeed in life if you try to hide your sins. Confess them and give them up; then God will show mercy to you.

~Proverbs 28:13 Good News Bible

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Can Activating your Faith Neutralize Stress?

Stress is an issue that each individual must learn to recognize and manage. Stress is caused by past experience, by what’s happening now and what may happen in the future. Yet stress can provide opportunities to be creative in developing management skills for solving problems and making future plans.

Fortunately, the majority of stress can be managed rationally if care is given to preventing it from accumulating to the point where it becomes overwhelming. A negative attitude creates stress and perpetuates it by long established negative thinking.

God never intended for you to languish in negative attitudes and thinking. Even in the worst situations, hope for solutions is possible where faith exists for God’s intervention. When faith is activated, stress loses power to sabotage God’s plans for you. Hope centers on God to provide solutions while faith provides energy to press onward regardless of obstacles.                          

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May the hope-inspiring God so fill you with perfect joy and peace through your continuing faith, that you may bubble over with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

~Romans 15:13 Williams – New Testament in the Language of the People

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