Christ, an Anchor for Our Souls

Our strongest and most enduring drive is the will to live a healthy, long life. Paralleling the will to live is the drive to achieve and have children, who become our family and legacy. We strive to help our children develop character traits and values that contribute to the well-being of society and the good earth.

Achieving these goals often becomes the source for conflict. While it's difficult to understand what provokes conflict, we can certainly realize its presence and power. Conflict will frequently focus on unmet needs and expectations. Families typically expect each member to be thoroughly mature and responsible but disappointingly discover it isn’t true.

Time and change determine if expectations will be met. When expectations fail and discouragement abounds, our hope still can be anchored in the giver of all life, the Lord Jesus Christ.  He is “the way, the truth, and the life,” meaning Jesus will provide resolutions to whatever conflict you have to face. Attach your faith to this truth.  

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God cannot tell lies! And so his promises and vows are two things that can never be changed. We have run to God for safety. Now his promises should greatly encourage us to take hold of the hope that is right in front of us. This hope is like a firm and steady anchor for our souls.

~Hebrews 6:18-19 Contemporary English Version

Christ, Our Renewer and Transformer

Relationships suffer great sorrow when conflict is handled poorly. Bobby grew up in a family riddled by conflict not only between his parents, but also between the parents and their children. Although the family stayed intact throughout the years, it produced children who grew into adulthood unable to establish stable marriages.

What Bobby experienced growing up was a toxic response to conflict in which family members intentionally and aggressively inflicted suffering and pain on each other. However when problems of living are managed in a healthy, godly way, the joy that should be produced by a relationship can be realized. Eventually, Bobby learned he could avoid becoming defensive and reactive by accepting the fact that some conflict is unavoidable.

By re-framing issues like anger and frustration, you can create a nontoxic response to troubles. The Holy Spirit will give you godly insight regarding troubles you have to face. His word instructs you to be transformed by renewing your mind so you can know God’s will and purpose. 

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Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God – what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect.

~Romans 12:2 Good News Bible

Reset Priorities to Create Harmony and Acceptance

Competition exists in most loving relationships. Sibling rivalry is commonplace even though it fosters conflict. Marriage partners may compete for recognition, which can create discord within the marriage. Eddie and Joanne are high-achieving professionals driven to be successful. When they arrive home each evening, they continue working on projects, giving minimal time to their young daughters and each other.

Behavioral problems and dismal academic grades have forced Joanne and Eddie to seek counseling for their daughters. The two girls compete with each other for negative attention, which they consider better than being totally ignored and neglected. These sisters have everything materially. What is non-existent in their lives are expressions of love and affection and special time spent with their parents.

Remember, a husband or wife as well as children are special gifts from God to be cherished and loved rather than neglected. Realigning priorities is not only a possibility but a necessity, especially in a rushed and conflicted world. Ask God to help you be committed to this task.  

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Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift?

~Psalm 127:3 The Message

And now a word to you parents: Don’t keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves.

~Ephesians 6:4 The Living Bible

You must be very careful not to forget the things you have seen God do for you. Keep reminding yourselves and tell your children and grandchildren as well.

~Deuteronomy 4:9 Contemporary English Version

Breaking Down Walls of Confinement

A false sense of self-confidence builds a bridge to conflict when it includes an assumption that those with whom we share a relationship need to be dominated and controlled. Scare tactics and fear are the usual means for obtaining dominance and control. This form of leadership does not elicit trust and faith.

While every family needs boundaries as instituted by God’s word, special consideration must be given to individual differences as well as freedom of choice when appropriate. Creating dependency through an inordinate need to dominate will ultimately bring about the need to escape what is defined as emotional captivity.

Too much rigidity builds walls of confinement which stifle love and appreciation that should be freely expressed in a family. The Apostle Paul assures us that Jesus Christ, who is our peace, can break down dividing walls of hostility when we surrender to his plan and purpose for us. Jesus said, “Come to me you who are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest.”  

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May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

~ Romans 15:13 New International Version

Dividing the Power = Multiplying Harmony

Can positive benefits derive from conflict? Yes, if it brings about positive, healthy change that is acceptable to each person. There is little value in conflict designed to exert control over others, either directly or indirectly. Fear of appearing weak and ineffective is a major motivation for creating conflict.

A controller can be aggressive or hostile to those they purportedly care for and love. These behaviors ultimately instill disrespect, contempt and rebellion. The controller may switch to seeking pity or imposing guilt to get compliance, which may initially be effective but will fail to bring about lasting positive results.

Each person needs a healthy sense of power and control. In healthy relationships power and control are equally allocated. Husbands and wives are equally submissive to each other by choice, not by coercion. Divisions of power flow from mutual trust of each person's skills and talents. Love and respect give rise to harmony, peace and security.

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It is also true that we must love God with all our heart, mind and strength, and that we must love others as much as we love ourselves. These commandments are more important than all the sacrifices and offerings that we could possibly make.

~Mark 12:33 Contemporary English Version

Need to Control? Trust God

Individuals who are possessed with an inordinate need to control others do so from a position of weakness and fear. Soon after Bill and Kelly were married, choosing the church they would attend evolved into a major power struggle. Attempting to put the issue to rest, Bill told Kelly if she refused to attend his church, divorce would be her choice.

What Bill failed to understand is that submission can be given only where there is freedom to choose. Each time he imposed an ultimatum on Kelly, it left him feeling insecure and without peace. Defiance and sadness highlighted Kelly’s refusal to yield to Bill’s demands.

Both men and women may possess this need for dominance, but controlling others tends to alienate rather than create trust. Forced submission means imprisonment. An inordinate need to control is also a form of enslavement. Isaiah informs us that the Messiah would come to proclaim freedom for the captives. Jesus came to free you from the bondage of sin. 

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The book of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him [Jesus], and he opened it to the place where it says:

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me; he has appointed me to preach Good News to the poor; he has sent me to heal the brokenhearted and to announce that captives shall be released and the blind shall see, that the downtrodden shall be freed from their oppressors, and that God is ready to give blessings to all who come to him.”

~Luke 4:17-19 The Living Bible

Trust: a Bridge from Conflict to Freedom

Unresolved conflict builds a bridge to emotional distance that separates those who love and cherish each other. Conflict most often centers on the issue of control. In some marriages the battle for control begins immediately, not necessarily an aggressive striving for control but perhaps a subtle, indirect effort to demonstrate power.

The attempt to gain power may remain activated indefinitely. This is especially true where a healthy balance of power remains unnegotiated. Freedom of choice is a God-given privilege, but conflict attempts to negate the right to choose. Even God gives each person the right to choose or reject his grace and mercy.

Conflict driven by greed, fear or insecurity strives to extinguish the right to choose. According to Proverbs 29:25, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." Establishing trust in God and others diminishes fear. Trust builds a bridge to freedom from the bondage of conflict.  

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Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.

Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!

~Proverbs 3:5-7 The Message