Disagreement: Finding the Positive in a Negative

Disagreements play a significant role in interpersonal relationships where peace and harmony do not exist. Disagreements exist for divergent purposes. One predictable purpose is to achieve an objective that satisfies a person’s needs. Another could be to create changes that could bring the relationship to a higher level of intimacy.

Another positive contribution disagreements make to a relationship is working out a platform for discussing difficult issues and problems. It's important to realize this objective can be reached only by being willing to lay aside a compulsive need  to win every conflict and disagreement.

An important objective in effective communications is crediting each person's ideas as significant in the search for solutions to problems. You might be surprised in what you learn. The objective is to turn a dispute into an opportunity to understand the other person. Solomon, a very wise man, asked God to help him understand his people. This could be your most important request.  

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“Give me an understanding mind so that I can govern your people well and know the difference between what is right and what is wrong. For who by himself is able to carry such a heavy responsibility?” The Lord was pleased with his reply and was glad that Solomon had asked for wisdom.

~ 1 Kings 3:9-10 The Living Bible

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An Argumentative Attitude Deadlocks Communications

Difficulties with communication may evolve into a communications impasse if an argumentative attitude exists. Such a mindset attempts to disqualify a person’s beliefs, values, and ideas. This does not mean that debate should be avoided, but in its worst form debate’s objective is to discredit not only the person but their character.

Individuals deadlocked in a communications impasse must ask themselves this question: What is the payoff for me and my relationships if I maintain an argumentative attitude? One consequence is losing trust and intimacy, which leaves individuals isolated in a position of facing the future all alone.

It takes patience to inaugurate a different style of communication. A critical first step in dislodging an argumentative attitude is being willing to acknowledge the other person's point of view. Ask God for patience and wisdom to help you gain understanding. Then be resolute in applying what  you receive from the Lord God to your situation.  

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Your speech should always be gracious and sprinkled with insight so that you may know how to respond to every person.

~Colossians 4:6 Common English Bible

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Dead-end Communications Due to Arrogance

Troubles in communications arise from being reluctant to consider another person's point of view and by refusing to explore alternatives to crucial issues and problems. Conversely, healthy communications permit divergent points of view to be considered along with respecting other people’s experience and intelligence.

An impasse in communications may derive from arrogance or pride by positioning oneself above others. While in college I met a young man who could not read but was an interesting and talented individual. If I had discounted his ability to communicate on the basis of his education, then I would have been a poorer person for my arrogance. 

Remaining teachable regardless of educational accomplishments is an antidote to arrogance and dead-end communications. Proverbs offers this advice: "If you call out to the Lord God for insight and cry aloud for understanding," then you will be receptive to wisdom and will have courage to make necessary changes. Praise God for that. 

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Arrogant know-it-alls stir up discord, but wise men and women listen to each other’s counsel.

~ Proverbs 13:10 The Message 

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When Communications Collapse

Problems with communication are a phenomenon each individual will ultimately experience. Every relationship will eventually reach an impasse where communications break down.  An impasse occurs when a relationship becomes so emotionally charged, all motivation for rational discussion collapses.

When two strong-willed personalities are unwilling to admit bad judgement, a breakdown in communication follows suit. These individuals believe such an admission implies weakness or inferiority. Actually, honesty and truthfulness show integrity and strength of character, which prevent an impasse from taking place.

Proverbs 29:11 discourages permitting anger to evolve into rage, which destroys communications. Preventing a communication impasse begins with asking God for wisdom and applying that wisdom to accept the other person's perspective. As we seek forgiveness and reconciliation, the Lord Jesus Christ provides mercy for making that possible. 

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Deliver me, O Lord, from deceitful lips, from a lying tongue. What shall be given to you, and what more shall be done to you, you deceitful tongue?

~Psalm 120:2-3 English Standard Version

 Watch your words and hold your tongue; you’ll save yourself a lot of grief.   

~Proverbs 21:23 The Message 

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Barriers That Block Effective Communication

An obvious barrier to communication is erecting an emotional wall whenever some aspect of oneself is threatened. In this emotional state a person is capable of withdrawing from any attempt to communicate. Another barrier is regressing into rage to prevent appearing weak and helpless.

Barriers to communication prove to be stumbling blocks for growth and change and are detrimental to a relationship. Mood incompatibility is capable of blocking effective communication, which means being at two distinct levels of emotional intensity. Mood incompatibility can barricade harmony and goodwill.

Another barrier to effective communication is having well-kept secrets that keep others distant and confused about the actual problem. God's word is clear that what is hidden will eventually be exposed. Accept this as God’s encouragement for practicing honesty and openness, which provide hope for experiencing joy and peace in your relationships. 

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Someday everything in men’s hearts shall be brought to light and made plain to all. So be careful how you listen…

~Luke 8:17-18 The Living Bible 

May my spoken words and unspoken thoughts be pleasing even to you, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

~Psalm 19:14 The Living Bible

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Speak with Confidence

Limitations in communications may be caused by incompatibility of moods with another person. Mood incompatibilities can cause conflict, misunderstanding, and avoidance of other people. Emotional barriers can range from feeling grumpy to strong feelings of anger, fear, and anxiety, making communications seem impossible.

Mood incompatibility can be responsible for misunderstandings that create negative attitudes toward one another. These attitudes may create responses similar to, "You're always in a bad mood. You're never happy and this rubs off on me." It’s possible however to respond with, “Is there something bothering you that I can help resolve?”

Trying to communicate can be risky but holding back what needs to be verbalized may result in a crisis. Trusting the Holy Spirit to give you courage to do what is right is an alternative to emotional distance. There are times when trusting others to provide insight is God’s answer for help and encouragement.  

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…Never worry about how to defend yourselves, or what to say, for at that very moment the Holy Spirit will teach you what you ought to say.

~Luke 12:11-12 Williams – New Testament in the Language of the People

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Communications Limitations

Communication is often limited by prescribed rules. At school children learn to refrain from speaking until permission is granted. These limitations become more restrictive with age and maturity. At home a child is prohibited from speaking in a disrespectable tone of voice. These and other limitations will continue throughout life.

There are self-imposed limitations to communication. Members of certain families may go for days, even months, without speaking. These self-imposed limitations usually are anchored in some level of anger, or even hatred. Shyness grounded in anxiety and fear or in embarrassment can also diminish communication.

Moses believed he was handicapped as a speaker and would be a liability to God. When he realized what God could do with a handicap, his confidence improved. He later became God’s most distinguished prophet. The Apostle Paul declared, “I can do all things through Christ Jesus, who gives me strength.” Never doubt what God can do with you. 

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Moses replied, “I have never been a good speaker. I wasn’t one before you spoke to me, and I’m not one now. I am slow at speaking, and I can never think of what to say.” But the Lord answered, “Who makes people able to speak or makes them deaf or unable to speak? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Don’t you know that I am the one who does these things? Now go! When you speak, I will be with you and give you the words to say.”  

~Exodus 4:10-12 Contemporary English Version

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