Keep Crisis Out of Conflict: Confront

Some conflict in life is inevitable and necessary, for without conflict and struggle, relationships could become stagnant and sluggish. However, unresolved conflict can cause trouble when anger accumulates instead of diminishes. In addition, unattended conflict tends to create unhealthy levels of anxiety.

In 1776 Thomas Paine wrote in The American Crisis, "These are the times that try men's souls." Crisis created by unresolved conflict will test every fiber that holds a relationship together. Surprisingly, conflicts that often do the most damage are those which are left unattended because of fear and dread.

Thomas Paine also said: “Conflict, like Hell, is not easily conquered.” Jesus never flinched when confronting evil or unhealthy people. He never denied that his message or mission angered important leaders. Jesus cared enough to confront, so herein lies your challenge. Do you care enough to confront that which is unhealthy in your relationships?  

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If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him – work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend.

~Matthew 18:15 The Message

You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

~Matthew 5:9 The Message

Conflict at a Crossroads

Every person will eventually come to a crossroads in life. For some, it reflects a conflict over whether to stay in a career or activate the freedom to pursue something different. However this choice may mean facing the insecurity of the unknown.

When divorce identifies a crossroads, either the husband or wife may want to save the marriage while the other is determined to end it. Divorce should reflect a struggle within each person who made a commitment to God, their families and friends, to make the marriage last in sickness and in health, for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death do they part.

Most people desire freedom from conflict, for conflict characterizes failure in some aspects of a relationship. Conflict communicates change is needed when it begins to dominate the healthy functioning of life. Conflicts can be resolved when two people choose with God’s guidance to do all within their power to ensure that healthy change takes place. May God give you strength and wisdom to do so. 

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This is what the Lord says: 
"Stand at the crossroads and look; 
ask for the ancient paths, 
ask where the good way is,and walk in it,
and you will find rest for your souls.
But you said: 'We will not walk in it.'"
~Jeremiah 6:16 New International Version

If you listen to me, you will know what is right, just, and fair. You will know what you should do. You will become wise, and your knowledge will give you pleasure. Your insight and understanding will protect you and prevent you from doing the wrong thing.

~Proverbs 2:9-12a Good News Bible

Conflicted Within and Without

Conflict between individuals usually has its roots within one or both persons. When someone is troubled by conflict, it’s usually because of being forced to choose between different courses of action. After high school, I had to choose between a course of action that would please my parents or bring peace within myself.

One side argued for college and another for military service, which put me in conflict with my parents. This inner struggle represented distinct parts of my personality, each vying to be heard with their equally important viewpoints. This inner conflict eased when I chose the military, but tensions increased between me and my parents. 

Whether conflict is internal or external, decisions are demanded. The conflict with my parents subsided when they chose to honor and trust my decision. God does manage to “work all things out for good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose.” It was during my time in the military that I came to realize God’s purpose for my life.  

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Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

~Proverbs 19:21 New International Version

I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking to me about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!

Isaiah 65:24 The Living Bible

Jesus answered, “You do not now understand what I am doing, but by-and-by you will learn.”

~John 13:7 Williams – New Testament in the Language of the People

Where's the Value in Conflict?

Conflict can be a nagging aggravation that doesn’t ever completely go away. Although there are brief interludes of peace and serenity, conflict visits everyone and every organization including marriage and family life. Parenting invites conflict because it requires setting boundaries that act as guidelines for acceptable behavior.

STOP GETTING THE WRONG THINGS DONE!

So is there value in conflict that emerges from establishing rules and boundaries? Although conflict can be destructive, it’s possible for positive good to come from this ordeal. Certain levels of maturity are required to secure positive benefits from conflict, but gaining those benefits is achievable by realizing that quarrels are indicative of disputes within oneself and then addressing them.



Underlying feelings of inferiority fail to build a bridge to trust and security and thus hamper successfully managing conflict. Conflict may be managed by understanding its source for potential positive good. "God is my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble, therefore I will not fear,” proclaims Psalm 146:1.  

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We may think we are doing the right thing, but the Lord always knows what is in our hearts.

~Proverbs 21:2 Contemporary English Version

It is the Lord who gives wisdom; from him come knowledge and understanding. He provides help and protection for those who are righteous and honest. He protects those who treat others fairly, and guards those who are devoted to him.

~Proverbs 2:6-8 Good News Bible

Relationships 101: Keep on Understanding and Accepting

What soothes a distressed heart and mind are calm, understanding words that communicate acceptance. Understanding and acceptance dismantle emotional distance generated by conflict. By understanding another person's behavior, it is possible to choose a better way of responding rather than to construct an emotional barrier to communications.  

Relationships tend to follow specific stages. The first is the honeymoon phase. Feelings of acceptance, love and closeness produce an atmosphere conducive for commitment that promises to last forever. The next phase defines periods of disappointment and struggle where a true picture emerges of relationship compatibility.

If there are understanding and acceptance of imperfections, then the third phase of accommodation takes place. The realization that imperfections exist but can be tolerated defines accommodation. Understanding is the key to conflict resolution, and it takes place in this phase. “Although it costs all you have, get understanding,” advises Proverbs 4:7. 

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Understanding your word brings light to the minds of ordinary people.

~Psalm 119:130 Contemporary English Version

Listen to what is wise and try to understand it. Yes, beg for knowledge, plead for insight. Look for it as hard as you would for silver or some hidden treasure.

~Proverbs 2:2-4 Good News Bible

Please Understand...

Understanding another person's needs and being committed to meeting those needs with love and care dismantle barriers that separate people. The more sophisticated a society becomes, the higher the demand for our needs to be satisfied. In less developed cultures, survival needs like food, clothing and shelter precede personal happiness.

 

Because our needs are more sophisticated, this then becomes the source for conflict. A significant problem in understanding the needs of another person is the lack of communication. Misunderstanding each other’s needs leads to conflict, which constructs a barrier to intimacy.

It's not easy to understand how to communicate your needs to an intimate other. It's appropriate to get help when conflict is suffocating your relationship. Christian counseling is designed to help individuals understand each other's needs and learn appropriate and acceptable ways to meet those needs. "Understanding is a fountain of life," contends Proverbs 16:22. It is the bridge to intimacy, peace  and happiness. 

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Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them.

~Proverbs 4:5 New International Version

I ask the Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, to give you His Spirit to make you wise and reveal the truth to you as you learn to know Him better and to enlighten the eyes of your minds so that you know the hope He called you to.

~Ephesians 1:17-18 Beck – New Testament in the Language of Today

Fight or Flight OR a Better Choice

Conflict demands a response, and the most common reaction is to fight. Another is to take flight and run away. Fighting is characterized by hot verbal exchanges, and in a marriage relationship to blame each other for every bad experience since taking the marriage vows. Whatever form fighting embraces, rarely does conflict reach resolution within these conditions.

Taking flight to manage conflict can be observed in several distinct forms. Literally running away to avoid angry confrontations is not uncommon for those who hate fighting. The shy, reserved personality type who feels unsafe and threatened by angry outbursts may immediately withdraw emotionally or physically to avoid conflict.

Perpetual conflict is an indicator of dysfunctional relationships and a sure endangerment to the stability of a marriage or friendship. The Lord Jesus Christ came into the world so we could live life to the fullest, and that doesn’t mean a life full of conflict, but rather one full of peace and contentment. It is absolutely possible to choose these feelings rather than conflict.  

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A thief does not come for any purpose but to steal and kill and destroy; I have come for people to have life and have it till it overflows.

~John 10:10 Williams – New Testament in the Language of the People

And God’s peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 4:7 Good News Bible