Words Matter – Use Your Filter!

An essential principal for effective communication is recognizing the impact the choice of words has on others. Words spoken impulsively and inappropriately can damage another person's self-esteem and self-worth. Those speaking so thoughtlessly may never consider the emotional  impact of their words.

God designed each individual with the capacity to filter words before they are spoken. The key is being sensitive to warning signals that alert us to the danger and inappropriateness of our language. It is better to choose what you say rather than say whatever you impulsively think, especially when emotionally upset.

Our choice of words either builds a bridge to understanding and feelings of security or creates disharmony and alienation. If you spoke to others as if you were addressing the Lord Jesus Christ, would it make a difference in your choice of words and the tone of your voice? Is it possible for others to see Jesus reflected in how and what you communicate?  

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Words of wisdom come from the wise, but fools speak foolishness.

~Proverbs 15:2 Contemporary English Version

 Patience and gentle talk can convince a ruler and overcome any problem.

~Proverbs 25:15 Contemporary English Version

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Credibility – Essential for Effective Communication

Credibility is an essential principle for effective communication and is dependent on three basic components. First, what is spoken must be rational and believable. The second component of credibility is integrity and honesty, for these are not only interwoven into the spoken language but also obviously seen in the person’s behavior.

A third component of credibility is demonstrated by the willingness to be held accountable whenever failure is experienced. The importance of revealing temptations to a trusted accountability partner is apparent. Exposing temptations diminishes their power while giving us credibility not only as a person but also as a believer.

The Apostle Paul tells us to "make sure your conversations are full of grace” for then they reflect the character of Christ Jesus. Listen to Ephesians 4:29: “Let there be no more foul language, but only good words suitable for the occasion which God can use to help other people.” This is laying up treasures in heaven.  

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What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.

~Ephesians 4:25 The Message

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Regaining Lost Credibility

For communications to be credible, trustworthiness must be the dominant attribute in each person’s character. In the initial days of most relationships, credibility in what is communicated is taken as reality since there isn't cause for doubt or disbelief. Therefore effective communication is inherently dependent upon integrity and honesty.

  

Credibility is definitely lost through dishonest communications, which ironically reveal the truth concerning a person’s character. Every child will at times fail to tell the truth, especially if he or she is in danger of facing punishment. However, some people distort the truth simply because it’s become a habit in the way they communicate.

Peter, one of Jesus’ disciples, lost credibility when he was asked, “Don’t you know Jesus?” He denied ever knowing Jesus. Credibility must be protected for it will be needed in every area of life. Ephesians 4:25 states, “You must put aside every falsehood and practice telling the truth.” Always be ready to defend your credibility with the truth.

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Then take on an entirely new way of life – a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you.

~Ephesians 4:23-24 The Message

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Transforming Doubt and Distrust

Dark days in a relationship follow loss of trust and faith in a person’s  character. When a person is trustworthy, their character demonstrates it. Credibility in effective communication also relies on honesty and integrity, as seen in a person’s words and actions. These attributes are fundamental for relationships.

Since effective communication depends on a person’s word being trustworthy, a credibility gap evolves as doubt and disbelief take the place of confidence and trust. Distorting the truth eventually builds a bridge to an impasse, if not a complete breakdown in communications. Failing to tell the truth destroys trust and respect.

For credibility gaps to close, a transformation in character must take place. This can save a relationship. Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ along with repentance and forgiveness is essential for a change in character to be permanent. God has the power to transform doubt and distrust into faith and hope. He can do it! 

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Show mercy to those who have doubts.

~Jude 22 Good News Bible

The father said...“Oh, have mercy on us and do something if you can.” “If I can?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible, if you have faith.” The father instantly replied, “I do have faith; oh, help me to have more!”

~Mark 9:21-24 The Living Bible

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Building Bridges with Our Language

The language we use builds a bridge either to understanding and acceptance or to confusion and disharmony. Language, no matter how unrefined, is basic for creating and sustaining loving relationships. When language escalates into hostile accusations, damage to the self-image and character of each person is unavoidable.

Provocative language used to control a situation or attack another person is usually met with equally defensive language designed to protect one’s self-image. Provocative language complicates the prospects for solving problems because the willingness to consider another's feelings, ideas and needs fades away.

Most problems can be negotiated where respect is extended to each other's feelings and ideas. Giving others an opportunity to express their ideas demonstrates trust and respect. Jesus' command was that we love one another, for doing so opens the door to trust and faith for building security into relationships.  

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Stop lying to each other. Quit being angry, hateful, and evil. No longer say insulting or cruel things about each other.  You have given up your old way of life with its habits.

~Colossians 3:8-9 Contemporary English Version

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Self-Monitoring: Essential for Effective Communication

Discord eventually makes its presence known in every relationship. Differences in personalities create dissension, which interferes with effective communication that’s essential for addressing difficult issues. Personality differences in thinking patterns and feelings emphasize how easily conflict can be triggered.

The first principle of effective communication is self-monitoring. Being able to effectively communicate reduces tension and stress, especially when each person’s viewpoint is respected. This can be done by monitoring your thoughts and feelings so what is verbalized doesn’t evolve into conflict. Verbal and nonverbal feedback influence how problem-solving is managed.

Self-monitoring helps filter what to verbalize and when to remain silent. God's word discourages conflicts and chaos, but it confers blessings to those who make unity and harmony their primary objective. “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God.” These are words of encouragement from Jesus and are worthy of following.  

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You will say the wrong thing if you talk too much – so be sensible and watch what you say.

~Proverbs 10:19 Contemporary English Version

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Disagreement: Finding the Positive in a Negative

Disagreements play a significant role in interpersonal relationships where peace and harmony do not exist. Disagreements exist for divergent purposes. One predictable purpose is to achieve an objective that satisfies a person’s needs. Another could be to create changes that could bring the relationship to a higher level of intimacy.

Another positive contribution disagreements make to a relationship is working out a platform for discussing difficult issues and problems. It's important to realize this objective can be reached only by being willing to lay aside a compulsive need  to win every conflict and disagreement.

An important objective in effective communications is crediting each person's ideas as significant in the search for solutions to problems. You might be surprised in what you learn. The objective is to turn a dispute into an opportunity to understand the other person. Solomon, a very wise man, asked God to help him understand his people. This could be your most important request.  

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“Give me an understanding mind so that I can govern your people well and know the difference between what is right and what is wrong. For who by himself is able to carry such a heavy responsibility?” The Lord was pleased with his reply and was glad that Solomon had asked for wisdom.

~ 1 Kings 3:9-10 The Living Bible

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An Argumentative Attitude Deadlocks Communications

Difficulties with communication may evolve into a communications impasse if an argumentative attitude exists. Such a mindset attempts to disqualify a person’s beliefs, values, and ideas. This does not mean that debate should be avoided, but in its worst form debate’s objective is to discredit not only the person but their character.

Individuals deadlocked in a communications impasse must ask themselves this question: What is the payoff for me and my relationships if I maintain an argumentative attitude? One consequence is losing trust and intimacy, which leaves individuals isolated in a position of facing the future all alone.

It takes patience to inaugurate a different style of communication. A critical first step in dislodging an argumentative attitude is being willing to acknowledge the other person's point of view. Ask God for patience and wisdom to help you gain understanding. Then be resolute in applying what  you receive from the Lord God to your situation.  

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Your speech should always be gracious and sprinkled with insight so that you may know how to respond to every person.

~Colossians 4:6 Common English Bible

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Dead-end Communications Due to Arrogance

Troubles in communications arise from being reluctant to consider another person's point of view and by refusing to explore alternatives to crucial issues and problems. Conversely, healthy communications permit divergent points of view to be considered along with respecting other people’s experience and intelligence.

An impasse in communications may derive from arrogance or pride by positioning oneself above others. While in college I met a young man who could not read but was an interesting and talented individual. If I had discounted his ability to communicate on the basis of his education, then I would have been a poorer person for my arrogance. 

Remaining teachable regardless of educational accomplishments is an antidote to arrogance and dead-end communications. Proverbs offers this advice: "If you call out to the Lord God for insight and cry aloud for understanding," then you will be receptive to wisdom and will have courage to make necessary changes. Praise God for that. 

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Arrogant know-it-alls stir up discord, but wise men and women listen to each other’s counsel.

~ Proverbs 13:10 The Message 

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When Communications Collapse

Problems with communication are a phenomenon each individual will ultimately experience. Every relationship will eventually reach an impasse where communications break down.  An impasse occurs when a relationship becomes so emotionally charged, all motivation for rational discussion collapses.

When two strong-willed personalities are unwilling to admit bad judgement, a breakdown in communication follows suit. These individuals believe such an admission implies weakness or inferiority. Actually, honesty and truthfulness show integrity and strength of character, which prevent an impasse from taking place.

Proverbs 29:11 discourages permitting anger to evolve into rage, which destroys communications. Preventing a communication impasse begins with asking God for wisdom and applying that wisdom to accept the other person's perspective. As we seek forgiveness and reconciliation, the Lord Jesus Christ provides mercy for making that possible. 

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Deliver me, O Lord, from deceitful lips, from a lying tongue. What shall be given to you, and what more shall be done to you, you deceitful tongue?

~Psalm 120:2-3 English Standard Version

 Watch your words and hold your tongue; you’ll save yourself a lot of grief.   

~Proverbs 21:23 The Message 

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Barriers That Block Effective Communication

An obvious barrier to communication is erecting an emotional wall whenever some aspect of oneself is threatened. In this emotional state a person is capable of withdrawing from any attempt to communicate. Another barrier is regressing into rage to prevent appearing weak and helpless.

Barriers to communication prove to be stumbling blocks for growth and change and are detrimental to a relationship. Mood incompatibility is capable of blocking effective communication, which means being at two distinct levels of emotional intensity. Mood incompatibility can barricade harmony and goodwill.

Another barrier to effective communication is having well-kept secrets that keep others distant and confused about the actual problem. God's word is clear that what is hidden will eventually be exposed. Accept this as God’s encouragement for practicing honesty and openness, which provide hope for experiencing joy and peace in your relationships. 

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Someday everything in men’s hearts shall be brought to light and made plain to all. So be careful how you listen…

~Luke 8:17-18 The Living Bible 

May my spoken words and unspoken thoughts be pleasing even to you, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

~Psalm 19:14 The Living Bible

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Speak with Confidence

Limitations in communications may be caused by incompatibility of moods with another person. Mood incompatibilities can cause conflict, misunderstanding, and avoidance of other people. Emotional barriers can range from feeling grumpy to strong feelings of anger, fear, and anxiety, making communications seem impossible.

Mood incompatibility can be responsible for misunderstandings that create negative attitudes toward one another. These attitudes may create responses similar to, "You're always in a bad mood. You're never happy and this rubs off on me." It’s possible however to respond with, “Is there something bothering you that I can help resolve?”

Trying to communicate can be risky but holding back what needs to be verbalized may result in a crisis. Trusting the Holy Spirit to give you courage to do what is right is an alternative to emotional distance. There are times when trusting others to provide insight is God’s answer for help and encouragement.  

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…Never worry about how to defend yourselves, or what to say, for at that very moment the Holy Spirit will teach you what you ought to say.

~Luke 12:11-12 Williams – New Testament in the Language of the People

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Communications Limitations

Communication is often limited by prescribed rules. At school children learn to refrain from speaking until permission is granted. These limitations become more restrictive with age and maturity. At home a child is prohibited from speaking in a disrespectable tone of voice. These and other limitations will continue throughout life.

There are self-imposed limitations to communication. Members of certain families may go for days, even months, without speaking. These self-imposed limitations usually are anchored in some level of anger, or even hatred. Shyness grounded in anxiety and fear or in embarrassment can also diminish communication.

Moses believed he was handicapped as a speaker and would be a liability to God. When he realized what God could do with a handicap, his confidence improved. He later became God’s most distinguished prophet. The Apostle Paul declared, “I can do all things through Christ Jesus, who gives me strength.” Never doubt what God can do with you. 

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Moses replied, “I have never been a good speaker. I wasn’t one before you spoke to me, and I’m not one now. I am slow at speaking, and I can never think of what to say.” But the Lord answered, “Who makes people able to speak or makes them deaf or unable to speak? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Don’t you know that I am the one who does these things? Now go! When you speak, I will be with you and give you the words to say.”  

~Exodus 4:10-12 Contemporary English Version

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