Fighting Words Aren't Wise Words

I’m consistently reminded how quickly children learn to defend their possessions. This demonstrates their first primitive act of setting boundaries. During the toddler stage, children use imperatives such as, "No!" “Stop!” and "That's mine!"  They've also learned to coach others into play activities by means of persuasion.

When situations become tense, children blame others and fight to force change in their flavor. The objective of “fight language” is to create  fear and force compliance with what is demanded. Fighting words are a communication style used to assert power and make intentions known.

No one likes to lose an argument, so aggressive language is used as a defense against being vulnerable and exposing weaknesses. Proverbs 15 gives us a better way. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.” Also, “The tongue of the wise brings healing as a tree of life.” This communication style can save a relationship. It’s worth the effort.  

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A quick-tempered person starts fights; a cool-tempered person stop them.

~Proverbs 15:18 New Living Translation 

Good judgment proves that you are wise, and if you speak kindly, you can teach others.

~Proverbs 16:21 Contemporary English Version

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Shaping a Toddler's Communication Skills

It's incredible how much communication skills increase during the toddler stage of child development. They learn their language from their culture, which enables them to be social and capable of elementary boundaries. The toddler stage gives birth to expressing emotions and defining their needs.

The toddler learns from parents, siblings, and their peers ways to direct and manage others in activities like play. If given the opportunity, some in this age group demand control by insisting all others meet their needs and wants even when it's disastrous to the child’s emotional and physical well-being.

Out of frustration, children learn to fight physically. They also learn to fight verbally, which gets refined through each stage of development. The good news is, children also learn the language of love, compassion, and forgiveness, when given the opportunity. It's essential to model and teach children these attributes so they will be equipped to have successful relationships. That is God's plan for children.  

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Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love him with all that’s in you, love him with all you’ve got! Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night.

~Deuteronomy 6:5-7 The Message

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The Communication Bond

From infancy onward communication becomes the link for bonding with one’s parents, siblings, and significant others. The touch of a mother's hand, her soothing voice, and the way she responds when her baby cries communicate that love and acceptance are a priority. Communication is a major bonding force at every stage of life.

The toddler stage has been dubbed the "terrible two’s" because of defiance associated with the child’s first critical step toward independence. This struggle towards independence is aided by the ability to communicate with words like "no" and "mine". The toddler operates under the assumptions that "All I have is mine,” and “All you have is mine."

This mindset may continue into adulthood, which blocks the creative means for bonding. God communicated that, instead, we are to love others as we love ourselves, which is made possible by loving God with our total being.  Loving God this way creates a spirit of generosity that enhances bonding and communications.  

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Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ These two commands are pegs; everything in God’s Law and the Prophets hangs from them.”

~Matthew 22:37-40 The Message

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Out of a Critical Pit

“Why do I always get blamed for all of our problems and troubles?” Could that be your predicament? Or perhaps you’re the one blaming and criticizing. Either way, your relationship is destined for trouble. A creative step for freeing yourself from this type of communicating is to realize it’s a habit that can be broken.

Criticism is defended by insinuating incorrectly that it's beneficial. Accusations and criticism portray a person who feels threatened, but it takes honesty and integrity to admit this is true. Criticism is used to deflate another person's self-esteem, but hurling criticism damages one's own integrity and self-respect.

It's possible to move creatively beyond this type of relating by seeing others as being created in God's image and deserving kindness and respect. In Psalm 40 David gives his testimony: "The Lord God lifted me out of a slimy pit. He gave me a new song to sing." God will lift you out of that same pit if you ask him. Why not do it?  

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Love must be completely sincere. Hate what is evil, hold on to what is good. Love one another warmly as Christians, and be eager to show respect for one another.

~Romans 12:9-10 Good News Bible

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Curb Criticism with Creativity & Self-control

Effective communication requires more than spontaneously speaking your mind. Thinking through an issue and understanding what should be conveyed takes creativity. If an issue is sensitive and potentially conflictual, then planning what needs to be communicated is essential. The objective is to avoid a collapse in communications.

Everyone is capable of blaming and criticizing, but this form of interaction is destructive. It diminishes trust and respect. Realize that damage is inflicted on yourself as well as the other person by digressing to this level of relating. Conveying criticism and blame ultimately destroys the will to be emotionally connected. There is a better way to communicate.

It takes creativity and self-control to be kind and forgiving when all that's within, wants to criticize and blame. Creative thinking includes praying and petitioning God for insight that enables you to pursue what is helpful for the other person. Remember to “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”  

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Trust in the Lord. Be kind and good to others; then you will live safely here in the land and prosper, feeding in safety. Be delighted with the Lord. Then he will give you all your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him to help you do it and he will.

~Psalm 37:3-5 The Living Bible

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Resolve Conflict with Communications

Definitions of communications abound from simply talking together to describing a complex system of digital sounds and symbols. Failure to communicate is often based on assuming the sender and receiver are ready for information to be transmitted either verbally or nonverbally, but this is frequently a false assumption. 

 A primary cause for attempts to communicate digressing into criticism and blame is the presence of anger, jealousy, and fear. These are responsible for breakdowns in communication, for it's almost impossible to receive blame or criticism without reacting in a way that causes conflict to escalate. There is a better way.

God's word gives us a method for talking together that’s anchored in respect and care for the other person. "Make plans to do what is right not only in the eyes of the Lord, but also in the eyes of men." This is possible by seeking wisdom and understanding that can be provided only by the Lord God. Make this your primary desire and objective.  

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Patient persistence pierces through indifference; gentle speech breaks down rigid defenses.

~Proverbs 25:15 The Message

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Communication Builds a Bridge to Joy

Communication builds a bridge to happiness because it paves the way for resolving conflicts that every relationship experiences. Successful marriages are not conflict-free, but these couples have devised a system of communication that considers differences in personality, intelligence, and feelings without alienating one another. They have learned to honor their differences by acknowledging them as assets rather than liabilities. 

Providing unsolicited solutions for another person's problems, however, is usually a dead-end for communications. This approach provides an air of superiority that threatens the other’s self-esteem. At this level of communicating, the other person's ideas are not considered important.

Jesus was consistently aware of each individual’s needs. He often put aside his role as teacher, preacher, and healer to listen and address the concerns and needs of the people. Communication can build a bridge to enjoyment and fun as well as managing differences and conflicts. Effective communication transforms conflict into understanding and trust. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do good.”  

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Words satisfy the mind as much as fruit does the stomach; good talk is as gratifying as a good harvest.

~Proverbs 18:20 The Message   

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